Page 64 of Chasing Xander
Nammy Joyce had once told her that she would know when she’d found the one. It probably wouldn’t make sense, but there wouldn’t be any doubts, and she would feel total peace where it mattered the most—in her heart. And that’s exactly how she felt with Xander. At total peace. But as the days passed, she was more and more convinced he didn’t return her affections.
“Joyce and Hank married when they were only eighteen, and soon after, she learned she was pregnant with what would be her only child. A son. Her life was on the path she’d always imagined, but God had different plans for her. Tragically, she lost her husband to the war. During our last talk, she told me her heart never fully recovered from losing Hank.” Pastor Bruce cleared his throat as if he were having trouble keeping his emotions in check. “I wish I could stand up here and tell you she found another true love, but she didn’t. She’d made a vow to Hank, and she swore to keep that promise to him until they were reunited again in Heaven.”
Kylie’s throat burned with tears. She’d seen firsthand how hard it had been for Nammy Joyce all those years. Even though she’d never said it, Kylie knew her grandmother had been lonely. There was only so much companionship a young girl could give to a woman who grieved daily for her husband.
Pastor Bruce tilted his head upward. “Give Hank a hug from all of us, Joyce.”
The first tear slipped down her cheek. Xander reached into his suit jacket, pulled out a tissue, and handed it to her. She took the tissue and dabbed at her eyes, unable to look at him, knowing if she did, she’d deteriorate into a blubbering mess. Did he realize how sweet he was? How much she needed him?
“Despite losing the great love of her life, Joyce carried on. She knew she had a purpose on this earth, and nineteen years ago, that purpose became clear.” Pastor Bruce glanced in Kylie’s direction. “Joyce was given the most precious gift of a beautiful granddaughter. Kylie, would you like to say a few words?”
Kylie momentarily froze. She wanted to honor her grandmother with something sentimental and profound, but she wasn’t sure she could form the words. Xander brought her hand to his mouth, kissed her knuckles, then released her, an encouraging look in his eyes. Her lips trembled as she tried to smile at him. She stood, nervously wiped her sweaty palms on her dress, and then approached Pastor Bruce.
He embraced her in a warm hug. “Speak from your heart.”
She looked out at the crowd. It was standing room only, which confirmed what she’d always known—Nammy Joyce had touched a lot of people’s lives. Except for her own son’s, apparently, because he still wasn’t there. If she dwelled on that too long, she’d never get through this, so she shifted her gaze to Xander, who was staring at her intently as if trying to give her the strength she so desperately needed at that moment.
“I lost my mother when I was six,” she began, her voice low and hesitant. “Nammy Joyce stepped in and filled the hole my mother’s death had left in my life. And when my father started his…” She frowned. “Suffice it to say, my father was a source of both joy and disappointment in Nammy Joyce’s life.” She cleared her throat, refusing to tarnish her grandmother’s funeral with talk of her lowlife father.
“Nammy Joyce took me in and raised me. She taught me everything I know.” Kylie smiled at all the things she’d learned from her over the years. “She taught me to read and write. She taught me how to tie my shoes, how to dress myself, how to cook and clean, how to drive. While all that is useful, it’s the life lessons I will remember the most. She taught me to never be afraid, to go after what I want, to speak my mind and not let anyone tell me I’m not worth listening to.”
From the corner of her eye, she saw Xander smile and nod as if he were agreeing with the way she had been raised. Seeing him smile encouraged her to keep talking.
“Shortly before I left for college, she made me promise her a few things. First was that I’d graduate college and get a job doing something I loved. Second was that I’d live every day to the fullest and not spend all my time trying to take care of others, which she was always yelling at me for when I was here. Boy, did that woman have a sharp tongue.”
That earned her a few laughs, and even she chuckled.
“But it was her third request that has stuck with me. She told me I needed to find my own Hank.” Kylie inhaled a shaky breath and purposely kept her gaze away from Xander. She was afraid what sort of expression she’d see on his face, and she couldn’t handle the rejection she knew would be there. “We’d had a lot of talks about Hank, and I remember asking her once if she regretted falling in love so young. She looked at me like I was crazy and said, ‘Now why on earth would I regret something like that? My years with Hank were some of the happiest of my life.’ Of course, I couldn’t let it go.”
She shook her head. “I said, ‘Yeah, but that love also gave you years of sadness. Was it really worth it?’ She smiled at me and patted my hand, then said, ‘Child, someday you’ll find your own Hank, and then you can ask me that question.’ At the time, I had no idea what she meant. Still not sure I do.” She laughed nervously. “But I do know that the love she shared with Hank made her able to open her heart to me and to so many others. She was an amazing woman, and I wouldn’t be standing here as the person I am today without Nammy Joyce. She made me who I am, and I will never get the chance to show her how grateful I am that…” Her voice gave out. “That she loved me and…and cared for me when…”
Her throat clogged with tears. “She loved me and cared for me when no one else did.” Her words hitched on a sob, and she hung her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. Her shoulders shook, and she was powerless to stop the pain tearing through her. This was all some horrible nightmare, a bad dream she’d wake from any moment. Nammy Joyce wasn’t dead. She wasn’t. Kylie covered her face with her hands and cried.
Xander approached and hugged her. She clung to him, her tears coming harder and faster until she was on the verge of wailing. She gripped his shirt and looked up at him, desperation consuming her. Everything inside of her hurt, raw and bleeding and threatening to destroy her. Without a word, he ushered her out the side door. He sat on the steps and pulled her down onto his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face against his shoulder.
“Shh,” he whispered, stroking her hair and back. “I’m here, Ky. You’re not alone.”
His words only made her pain sharper. He might be here now, but how long would he stay? Would their relationship ever move forward? Or was she destined to be stuck here forever, spinning her wheels, never moving or evolving, doomed to die a virgin? She had no idea how long they sat like that, but eventually, her tears stopped, and she pried her arms from around his neck. “I’m sorry.” She forced a smile and wiped her cheeks.
“Don’t apologize.” He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his hand lingering on her face. He stroked his thumb across her cheek, catching a few of her lingering tears. “Are you ready to go back in?”
She shook her head. “I don’t think I can.”
“We can stay here as long as you want.” He put his arms around her, clasping his hands around her waist and pulling her a little closer. “All those things you said about your grandmother… She’d be proud of you.”
She chewed on her bottom lip and fought back more tears. After everything Nammy Joyce had done for her, that was all she wanted—to make her proud. Her grandmother would’ve loved Xander. The two of them would’ve butted heads, but they would’ve had fun doing it. She could see them laughing and joking and teasing her. How she wished he could’ve met Nammy Joyce.
More tears pooled in her eyes and streamed down her face, and she wiped them away the best she could.
“I think I’m ready to go back in.” She wasn’t, not really, but she couldn’t stay out here any longer.
She headed toward the door. Inside, the memorial service was over, and people mingled. She wasn’t in any mood to stick around and be social, but when Pastor Bruce came over and hugged her again, she knew she needed to stay a bit longer.
“Your words were beautiful, Kylie.”
“Thank you.”
“Some of the women from Bible study have put together refreshments in the main hall. Stay as long as you’d like.” Pastor Bruce put his hand on her back in a gesture meant to be comforting, and then he walked away to speak with some of the guests.
