Page 95 of Trusting Tanner
She collapsed on the couch and held her head in her hands. “I deserve better than this, Tanner. I deserve a man who’s going to make me the most important person in his life.”
Oh God. He knew where she was going with this. “Jules…” He crouched in front of her. “Please don’t do this.” It was like a freight train barreling toward him while his foot was caught in the tracks, making it impossible to save himself. He took her hand and held it over his heart. “You’re right. You do deserve so much better than this, but I can’t imagine my life without you. Please, give me another chance. I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life showing you how sorry I am.”
“I have spent my entire life waiting, hoping, begging people to love me. To want me. I never thought I’d have to do that with you, too.” Her lips trembled, and tears pooled in her eyes.
“You don’t,” he said. She tried to pull her hands from his chest, but he held firmly. She was finally talking to him, and he wasn’t going to let her stop now. “I havealwaysloved you. Even when you thought we were nothing more than friends, I loved you. You haveneverhad to beg for my love, and you don’t now, either. I’m right here, giving you my heart and soul.”
She inhaled sharply, the sound like an angry hiss. “I’m sorry, Tanner.” She slipped her hands from beneath his and headed for the door.
He reached for her again.
“Don’t. Please. Don’t make this any harder than it is. Just go.”
“Please, baby, give me a chance to make this right.” He shook his head, and fear clutched every part of him. “Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”
“No.” Her whole body trembled, almost like she was shivering, but he knew better.
“I messed up, and I will live with this mistake for the rest of my life.” He took her face into his hands and gazed into her eyes. “I love you, Juliana Shea. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.”
She averted her gaze and blinked rapidly. He caressed her cheeks with his thumbs, wiping away her tears. She shifted on her feet, edging closer to him.
“Please say something,” he whispered.
“I told you things no one else knows.” She slowly returned her gaze to his.
“I know.” He squeezed her hands and tugged her closer.
“But you don’t. Not really.” She frowned. “My entire life I was made to feel like I wasn’t worthy of love, that I was a problem, something easily thrown away.” More tears streamed down her cheeks. “If I didn’t fit in, if I wasn’t good enough, if something better came along, I was sent away.” She sniffled. “But then I met you, and you made me feel safe and loved. You made me want to believe the world and everyone in it wasn’t cold and uncaring. I trusted you, Tanner.”
His face was no longer dry, either. There was so much pain in her voice, her words raw and gut-wrenching. “All of that is still true. I’ve never stopped loving you.” He licked his lips. “You can trust me.”
“But I don’t. Not anymore.” She clutched his wrists and removed his hands from her face. “We had one argument, and yeah, in hindsight it was stupid, but it doesn’t change the facts. You tossed me away when things got a little hard. You turned your back on me like everyone else in my life.”
“No,” he said firmly, shaking his head. “That is not what I did. I would never toss you away.” God, he couldn’t believe she’d even think that.
She wiped her face. “I can’t let you back in, because if I do and you cheat again, I won’t survive it.”
“Jules…”
“I need you to leave now. Please go.”
He closed his eyes. “If this is what you want, then I’ll go.” He stepped up to her and took hold of her waist, his touch firm but hesitant at the same time. “But I need you to know when I walk out of this apartment, it’ll be the single biggest regret of my life.” Then he lowered his head and kissed her softly on the lips. “I love you, and I’m not giving up on us.” He opened the door and walked out.
He’d meant that, too. He wasn’t giving up, and he had one final Hail Mary. Pulling out his cell phone, he called Xander.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Juliana stood in the living room of her apartment and looked around at the furnishings. Every single time she sat on the couch, she could feel Tanner’s arms around her, hear his voice whispering in her ear. The scent of his cologne still lingered in her bed, making it impossible for her to sleep there.
The day they’d gone shopping together was seared into her mind. Foolishly, she’d thought they were buying stuff for an apartment—and life—they’d eventually share. How naïve.
As much as she hated the idea, she was going to have to dip into her trust fund again so she could buy some furniture that didn’t have Tanner’s stamp of approval. Not an entirely new set, but a new piece or two she could sit on without being bombarded with his memory. She sighed and went to the refrigerator, which was a waste of time because she hadn’t been to the grocery store yet. Then again, she really hadn’t been eating much lately.
There was a knock on the door followed by Devon’s voice, pitched to sound like a girl. “Yoo-hoo! Pizza delivery.”
She rushed toward the door and yanked it open. Her stomach growled, and she wanted to kiss him she was so happy. That was the thing about living off campus—all the normal sounds of life in the res hall were gone, and things were much too quiet. “Hey.” She grabbed the pizza box from him and carried it to the kitchen.
“I brought beer, too.” He held up the twelve-pack and grinned. “Oh, and these two.”
