Page 90 of Trusting Tanner
“You have to know I never wanted this,” he whispered. His words caught, and that’s when she knew for sure—he was crying, too. “I can’t stand to see you like this, to know I’m responsible for hurting you.”
Something inside of her snapped. She scrambled off his lap and pushed him away. “I don’t care what you can or can’t stand, Tanner. What about me?” She stood. “What about whatIcan’t stand?”
He got to his feet and hung his head. He shoved his hands in his pockets and refused to look at her.
“I can’t stand knowingshewas in your arms last night. Christ, I can’t even fucking look at you right now without seeing those pictures of you two.” If she could’ve found something to throw at him, she would have. “And to make it worse, you keep saying you don’t remember what happened.” She huffed. “At least be man enough to admit you messed up. Hell, even Zach had the balls to look me in the face and tell me he’d been screwing around.”
“That’s not fair.” He slowly lifted his head. His eyes were red, his face tearstained. “I’m not lying to you. I don’t fucking remember.” He approached her, and she stiffened, meeting his gaze head on, refusing to back down, refusing to let him hurt her any more than he already had. “And I’m not Zach.” The muscle in his jaw pulsed. “You’ve done nothing but compare me to him. It’s getting old.”
She momentarily closed her eyes, fighting back another round of tears.
“Stop making me pay for his mistakes,” he said. “I’m not him.”
“You’re right. You’re not him.” She shook her head. “You’re worse than him.” Juliana walked to the door and opened it. She’d resorted to saying things that were downright mean just to hurt him, and she didn’t want to do that. “He at least respected me enough to be honest, which is more than I can say for you. And for the record, this”—she waved her hand between them—“is you paying foryourmistakes.”
“Jules, please. You have to believe me. I didn’t do anything.”
He moved closer, and she stepped back, opening the door even wider. They were locked in a silent battle of wills. Her wanting him to stay, to find a way to believe him, while at the same time wanting him to leave her alone so she could try to mend her broken heart and work on accepting the fact that he’d lied. His dark, sad eyes pleaded with her, begged her to understand. Her grip on the door handle tightened even more, making her knuckles turn white.
He closed the distance between them and gently caressed her cheek. “I’m so sorry I’m not the man you deserve.”
“Tanner…” Her voice gave out, and her lips trembled. Even after the horrible things she’d said to him, he was still as sweet as ever. An entirely new wave of soul-searing pain crashed over her.
Fresh tears pooled in his eyes as he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. But all she could feel was the pain, the salty taste of their tears the last memory she’d have of his kiss. When he moved away, she let out a strangled gasp.
He ran this thumb over her bottom lip. “All I want is for you to be happy.”
“I was.” She sniffled and shook her head.
His eyes fluttered closed as if she were the one breaking his heart. She placed her trembling hand on his chest, and his eyes snapped open, blazing with that familiar burning desire. He grabbed the door and closed it.
“Fuck,” he muttered, stepping closer to her. “I can’t do this, Juliana.” He shook his head. “I can’t walk out of here knowing you’re hurting like this.”
“It’s over, Tanner,” she blurted, knowing she’d never have the courage to say those words any other way. “We’re over.” Once again, she opened the door. This time, she pushed him out of her apartment. Then she swung the door closed in his face.
She went to her room, settled down in bed, and yanked the covers up over her head, intent on staying there for as long as she could.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Juliana stayed locked up in her apartment all weekend, ignoring every call and text message, only getting out of bed long enough to use the bathroom. Early Sunday morning, she’d texted Devon to let him know she still wasn’t feeling well and was quarantining herself. It wasn’t a total lie. She felt like shit. But by Monday afternoon, he wasn’t buying it. Grumbling, she answered her phone. “What?”
“You’d better be dead or being held captive by the CDC.” There was no humor in Devon’s tone. “You’ve been ignoring me all weekend and haven’t been on campus at all this morning. What the hell is going on?”
Juliana groaned. She hadn’t told him about Tanner, and she didn’t want to. Mostly because she didn’t want to relive the pain any more than she already was, but also because she knew how Devon would react.
“Seriously, do you need to go to the hospital or something?” His words were heavy with concern.
She sat up. “No. I…overslept.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“I’m fine. I promise. In fact, I’m getting ready to go to my next class.” She flung the covers off and got out of bed. There was thirty minutes until her next class, which would give her barely enough time for a quick shower.
After a moment’s hesitation, he said, “I’m heading back to the house. Come over as soon as you’re out of class. We need to talk.” He ended the call before she could respond.
Devon wasn’t stupid. He knew something was up, and if he’d run into Tanner at all… A dull ache throbbed in her temples. She couldn’t avoid the world forever. After calling for a cab, she gathered some clean clothes and rushed through a shower. Forgoing any makeup, she pulled her hair into a ponytail and slipped on her favorite sandals then snatched her backpack.
Juliana stepped out of her apartment right as the cab pulled up. She was in no mood to take the bus and be around a bunch of people. Her eyes were still bloodshot and swollen from all the tears she’d shed, and her sunglasses did nothing to mask the sun’s stinging burn. Now, the increasing pressure in her temples made even the slightest movement painful.
