Page 27 of Aries

I’ll try.He nods, though he knows the circumstances are so brutal that nothing will take the pain out of what’s going to come next in that bed.But how can anything about this be gentle? How can I touch you without becoming one of them?

As I watch the pair in the memory inch their way to the tiny bed, narrower than a twin, I hear snatches of his thoughts.

She’s a pretty thing… face shaped like a heart.

He turns his head as I disrobe and climb into bed. I recall feeling like a condemned woman going to her death, but now as I see myself through his eyes, I hear,Her hair shines even in the low, red light from the exit signs.

He’s focusing on details, I see now, to avoid the enormity of the big picture.

He turns his back and pulls off his loincloth. I remember shivering at that, terrified of the power and strength those slabs of muscles held. Fearful that he could choke me with barely a squeeze of one hand.

I can’t take her in the normal way. Can’t look at the pain on her face. Can’t watch the emotional effects of what I’m about to inflict.

“Turn over. It will be easier.”Yes. Easier for me… I’m such a coward I don’t deserve to breathe air.

As I turn, I catch how his eyes slam shut, not simply closing, but clamped hard against… what he must do.

You’re adracker, Aries. You should burn in pain for eternity for doing this.

As he grips my hips, so softly I barely feel it, a thought flies through his mind:Her skin is soft as flower petals.

His disgust at himself strikes me as hard as a storm wave crashing onto shore, just as I hear his present-day sigh and feel his hand clutching mine like a lifeline.

He took me gently, just as he promised, though his cock was huge. He did his business, whispered, “I’m sorry,” and rolled off me. After putting on his loincloth, he sat on his haunches against the metal wall at the back of our cell for the rest of the night.

His self-loathing is so bitter, it’s as though I can taste it as he berates himself all night, even as the other part of his mind feels empathy for what he imagines that was like for me.

Past-me didn’t realize she was crying until a big, fat tear rolled down my face and plopped on my breast.

“I’m sorry,” he breathes, the words inadequate against the weight of what happened. “I’m so sorry.”

Past-Aries’ thoughts spiral:Should have found another way. Should have fought harder. Should have died rather than hurt her. But they threatened to kill us both if we didn’t complete the act.

The walls begin building then—thick barriers of ice between his heart and the world.

Better to be cold, distant, unfeeling. Better to become someone she couldn’t possibly care for than risk her developing feelings for someone who hurt her—and was sick enough to enjoy it enough to release inside her.

Let her hate me,he thinks as the barriers rise.Better hatred than the alternative.

The memory ends, returning us to our cottage. Neither of us speaks for long moments. Spark wraps us in waves of soothing light, its color a deep, understanding blue.

“You didn’t hurt me,” I finally admit, my voice rough. “You were so careful, so gentle—”

“Don’t.” His hand goes rigid in mine. “Please don’t make excuses for what I did.”

“It’s not an excuse. It’s understanding.” Turning to face him fully, I see pain flaring behind his eyes. “You thought being cold would protect me, but all it did was leave us both alone with our pain.”

“I couldn’t bear it,” he admits, voice breaking. “Seeing you try to be brave, knowing what they were forcing on you. Knowing I had to… had to…”

“Had to survive,” I finish gently. “We both did. And maybe that’s what we need to remember—we survived. Together. What happened in that cell wasconsensual.”

That last word popped out, but now that it’s been said, it feels so right, so true, that I repeat it. “Consensual. Two people agreed to participate in that act. The only difference was that I could lie there and try to fly away in my mind, and you had to perform. Out of the two of us, you got the worst end of the deal.”

“No, I—”

I interrupt him and let my thoughts hurtle out of my mouth rapid-fire before he manages to take more of the blame or say he’s sorry one more time.

“Your attempts to protect me locked your heart away. For five years,” I say with such vehemence it shocks me, “I vilified you, hated you for your callous behavior. And all along, it came from the…”

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