Page 68 of Shameless in Vegas

A pang of excruciating loss is threatening to hammer at the inside of my chest, but I can’t be distracted by that right now. Crossing the room, I take a deep, therapeutic breath, sit down on the edge of the bed, and slide the note out from under the ring.

I unfold it, and my eyes do a quick skim over the whole thing, and I can already tell my assumption from mere seconds ago was wrong.

Itisa confession.

Joaquin,

Based on a number of things, I have reason to believe you already know what I am about to tell you. However, even if you already know, I am still bound by my conscience to admit to all of it.

You know me by my given name of Natalia Esposito. The name you do not know is the one given to me by Los Dolorosos early in my adulthood. I was christened through violence and subjugation, “La Viuda Negra,” and I became a specialized living weapon of the cartel with whom your family cut ties, and who is now in the process of exacting revenge against all of you. I am the tool of their choosing to carry out the retaliation against you specifically. They refer to me as the Black Widow because of the specific manner in which I am ordered to take out targets. For years, my job has been to seduce men, convince them to marry me or simply claim me as their possession. Shortly thereafter, I would silently end their lives while they slept. I have murdered twelve men. You were to be number thirteen.

In Las Vegas, the cartel staged a situation in which a man posing as my abusive ex harassed me in a location where they knew you would witness it. They also knew you would intervene. They know this because they have been spying on you for your entire life and know that you have a reputation to not only entertain many female companions, but also behave with utmost chivalry. You have a protective streak, they informed me. That protective streak compelled you to murder your own cousin when he threatened the life of your sister and parents. And that is why they sent me to you.

After you rescued me from the man you thought was my ex, I slipped a drug into your drink and then fed you an elaborate as hell sob story of how awful my life was. True to your nature, and in your mentally-altered state, the idea to marry me was actually yours. Because of that and a number of other things, this job was supposed to be the easiest one I’ve ever had.

It was also supposed to be easy because you are not violent. You would not inflict physical injuries on me as a result of intoxication or being under the influence of drugs. You would never raise a hand to a woman. You are docile, and kind, and considerate. These characteristics would allow me to wrap you around my finger and effortlessly lead you to your own death, and while I did that, you would lead me to your father’s fortune so I could turn it over to the cartel.

However, all of these characteristics that were supposed to make this the easiest job I’ve ever had are the reasons I cannot go through with it. I have lived at the mercy of these violent men for as long as I can remember, and they forced me into submission and trained me to be an assassin by way of unspeakable acts of terror. Rage and indignation for such treatment of not only me, but of my mother is the lifeblood running through my veins. They raped and murdered my mother as a means to break my spirit, strip me of all hope, and motivate me to retaliate against people of the cartel’s choosing. It worked for a while. But it was the contrast of your treatment of me compared to theirs that lifted the veil off my eyes and made me realize I am fighting the wrong battle.

In preparation for this assignment, I was informed of the murder you carried out in defense of your sister. It was intended to motivate me. It did the opposite. I went into this assignment with an honest respect for you because of that. However, I am abandoning this assignment because of who you showed me you are.

The day I fell at the beach, Xavier dared to visit this home and punished me for slacking on this assignment by way of violence that I will not speak of. I hid the evidence by intentionally throwing myself down the steps. You comforted me amidst pain you thought was a mere flesh wound. But the comfort you offered was a salve that I didn’t even know my battered soul needed. You were also correct about the injuries you discovered yesterday. I didn’t fall. Xavier sent one of his soldiers to confront me at the bridal boutique. He was there to inform me of my deadline to carry out this assignment.

I’m sure your mind is reeling from this information, but you must pay attention to the following:

First, I was ordered to carry out your murder on the first night we were to be living in the new condo. They know where it is. They’ve already visited it. And they are expecting me to call them once I’ve finished the job.

Donotgo back to the condo, Joaquin. Stay at your family’s estate. Xavier is too paranoid to attempt a second attack on you and your family here. He was counting on the two of us being alone, unarmed, and vulnerable, which he knows would not be the case at your family’s home.

Second, the other aspect of this assignment was to track down the investment firm that manages your father’s wealth. I purposefully obtained the information from him so that I could send Xavier on a wild goose chase in order to buy myself some time. It won’t be long before the breadcrumbs I tossed to him lead nowhere, and then I will be exposed as a traitor. They will come after me, but they will also come after you, however I have a plan to beat them at their own game. Xavier deserves retribution that only I can deliver to him. All you have to do is stay at your home. That is the one place you are truly safe. Absolutely, under no circumstance, leave your home. I will take care of them myself, and all of this will be over forever.

That is all the vital information I can provide you with. I pray you heed my words. The less vital information I will leave you with is of a more personal nature, but I hope you read it anyway. This marriage was, from its inception, based on lies. However, there is one truth that emerged, and it is this:

I love you, Joaquin. I have never experienced love of any kind before. You are a good man; the only one I have ever encountered. You have cared for me in ways that you did not even realize. Without even knowing it, you comforted me in the aftermath of egregious atrocities that I have suffered my entire life. Because of these things, I could not help loving you. You are unspeakably better than all the ugliness in this world. You possess such innate goodness in your heart that, coming from the world I know, I would not have believed it if I had not seen it firsthand. I would not have believed it if I had not felt it in the depths of my own heart and soul.

So, in this web of lies and deceit, I hope you are able to take to heart this one truth. That I do love you. That this love grew effortlessly despite me fighting tooth and nail against it. I cannot help loving you. And that is one half of the reason I’m going after Xavier myself.

I will kill him for every act of violence he committed against me, and also so that I can ensure that he will draw his last breath before he ever comes near you.

The world would be a better place with more people like you, and fewer people like Xavier, and his mafiosos, and me.

De mi alma, mi amor.

Natalia

I stare at her words on the page, hand clasped over my mouth.

“God damn,” I mumble into my palm.

So, she’s not a double agent, she wasn’t trying to get Papá’s money for herself, shewasfully prepared to kill me in my sleep, but she’s now refusing to because—

“She loves me.”

There’s a lot to process here, but I can’t stop coming back to the parts where she references the violence inflicted on her. I remember with perfect clarity her scary-as-fuck fall at the beach, and she did that onpurposeto hide what Xavier did to her right here at my own fucking house. And whatever he did to her wasso badthat she refused to say what it was even while spilling the damn beans about everything else.

I’m so angry that I can barely see straight. Rage is causing my hands to shake and my fist to grip the paper so hard that it’s crumpling in my palm. That same carnal possessiveness is surging through my veins and flushing my extremities with so much cold that I’m physically numb.

Fuck literally everything else about this situation, because I’m going to figure out how to kill that mother fucker myself.

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