Page 42 of Bearly Hanging On

“Mum, just send me a shopping list and I’ll head around her place now,” I said. “Love you. Bye.”

I stared at my phone once I’d forcibly ended the call, sure Mum would ring back. She had to have the last word, but thankfully I just got a text notification. I glanced down the list, then jumped in the car, heading over to the shopping centre closest to my gran’s.

“I hearsomeone needs some more teabags?” I said as I walked into Nanna’s place. “And matchsticks? Please, for the love of god, tell me you’re using them to bet with rather than actual money.”

“So your mother did palm the job off to you.” Nanna’s sly smile made clear we’d both been played. “Thought she might.” She patted the chair beside her, while her friends perked up. Each one of them looked like a vulture, hovering around, waiting for their turn at a lion’s kill. “So, how did your date with the animal men go?”

“Do they have spiky dicks?” Sally asked, holding her cards close to her chest.

“Or corkscrew ones?” Gladys grinned at that. “Apparently ducks have one that’s three times their body length.”

“OK, I did not come here after work, stinking of grease and meat, to hear you guys talk about animal dicks.” I plopped down on the chair, then poured myself some tea from the pot in the centre of the table. “If you wanted an update, you could’ve messaged me, Nanna.”

“Messaging…” She waved a hand in disgust. “What’s the point of that? In my day?—”

“We sent letters and spent time with people,” I finished for her, grinning before taking a sip of tea. “I remember.”

“So spill,” Sally said, then laid down her cards. The others made sounds of disgust, the matchsticks in the centre of the table all pushed towards her.

“I’m giving you the G-rated version,” I warned. “I get you’re a bunch of horny old biddies?—”

“The rates of sexually transmitted infections is highest amongst senior citizens,” Nanna said. “Just because we’re old doesn’t mean we’re down for the count.”

“And you’re going to use condoms and keep the make up of your harem of octogenarian hotties to yourself,” I replied. “But…” Each woman made a show of consulting the next deal of cards, but I knew where their focus was. “I did go out on a couple of dates.”

“So spill the tea,” Nanna said, looking meaningfully at my cup.

So I did.

“Fated mates…” The ladies had given up all pretence of playing cards right now. “So does that mean you’re destined to be with them?”

“Are there any older single shifters looking for a mate?” Sally asked, patting her hair. “I wouldn’t mind a bit of grr…” She made a show of turning her hands into claws.

“They’ve never been with anyone else and they’ve been waiting for you their entire lives.” A small frown formed on my grandmother’s face. “I want to meet them.”

“We are not in the meeting family part of the process yet,” I said. That had her frowning further. “But as soon as it looks like this is turning into something serious?—”

“But it is serious.” As she stared at me, her hand reached over and squeezed mine. “At least for them it is. Harper, they already think of you as their girlfriend, no, wife. You need to be sure that this is what you want. Can they find someone else if you reject them?”

All good questions, but I didn’t have an answer for them, not yet.

“I know.” I drank the rest of my tea. “And I don’t know about that last bit.” She was watching me steadily, the other ladies instinctively having gone quiet. The only sounds were the slurp of tea and the shuffle of cards. “And I don’t know what I want either.” I shrugged. “I’ll let you know when I do.”

“I know what I want.” Her hand was liver spotted and gnarled now, but I remember those hands rolling out dough, mixing delicious cakes up for us. Her fingers pushed my hair behind my ear. “I want you to be happy, darling.” She shook her head. “With a man, or men, that sees your worth, takes on some, if not all, of your burdens and gives you a softer life.” There was a loud sigh. “I don’t care if his penis has spines or barbs or maybe one of those fluttery things on the end.”

“Like a rabbit vibe!” Sally exclaimed.

“Maybe with some pearls that roll around,” Gladys said. “With realistic thrusting action.”

“You ladies are disturbing,” I said as I got to my feet. “And I am never looking in any of your bedside drawers.”

“Might learn something,” Sally said, consulting her cards before laying them down again. Like clockwork, the other ladies threw theirs in with sounds of disgust.

“I’ll keep that in mind, and if I meet any silver-haired literal foxes, I’ll send them your way. Love you, Nan.”

I bent over and pressed a kiss to my grandmother’s face.

“Love you too, darling. Be good, and if you can’t be good, be careful!”

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