Page 94 of Radar

“I was betrayed,” Elyssa said, liking that they were holding hands, liking the warmth and gentleness amongst the cold and cruel. “I feel betrayed. I’ve been in therapy since I got sick to deal with that subject.”

“And that’s helping you through this?” Xander asked.

Radar jumped down from his seat across the aisle and pushed into the space at Elyssa and Xander’s feet, where he lay down and curled up.

Elyssa thought that Radar wanted to be with Mom and Dad and immediately pushed the thought away.

“Help me draw the parallel, here,” Xander said.

“I was angry at my body for betraying me. My strength and my physical abilities were things I always counted on and believed were core parts of me. If my body could turn on me, then so could everything and everyone else. I took my butt to therapy because I was spiraling. There, I came to the conclusion that every aspect of my life that I perceived as solid could suddenly shift without warning. If I can’t manipulate circumstances to make myself safer, what could I do? I have to own my responsibility for what my life looks like on the other side of the betrayal. I have to believe in my core that whatever gets thrown at me, I can handle it. It doesn’t matter what the betrayal is, I can survive it and find a new way to thrive within the boundaries of my new reality. Orest Kalinsky is a betrayal of my love and esteem. I am pretty damned angry at the manipulation. And I hate this topic, so I’m going to change it to something else.” Elyssa drummed her fingers on her knee. “Okay, got it. Let’s play a get-to-know-you game, so I can be distracted from the takeoff. I want you to know that I’m being incredibly brave by getting on another flight in D.C. on the same day as the tip-over. We both are.”

“Without a doubt. You’ve been brave for days on end.” Xander lifted the back of her hand to his lips and kissed it. “How do you play your game?”

“You get a question, then I get a question. It has to be open-ended, and it has to feel intrusive if not downright embarrassing to ask.”

“Wow. You really are a rugby player at heart. You grab the ball and drive it down the field, huh?”

“I said you get to go first,” Elyssa shifted in her seat so she could better see him.

“Okay, today strangers came in and upended your life. Has it ever happened to you before that a stranger made a difference in your trajectory?”

“Yes. I left my husband because of a woman at the gas station,” Elyssa said without hesitation.

“He was having an affair?”

“Not at all. Glenn was a good person. Good enough. But the scientific team I was leading had just received this major award. Huge. Something I had dreamed of and worked toward for years. And my team won. This is the article that White put on the table earlier.”

“Congratulations! I read the article. That’s amazing.”

“Thank you.” She smiled, then took a breath. “I told my family, and they did not say congratulations. They said nothing at all. When the article came out, I searched all over town trying to find the paper, which wasn’t that easy. I finally found some at a gas station. And in case the other members of my team had trouble finding one, I purchased all five of the available papers. The counter lady pointed out to me that I had purchased five of the same paper, and I told her that that had been on purpose, because my name was in an article. She leaned forward and said under her breath, ‘Uh-oh. What did you do?’”

“She thought you’d committed a crime or something?”

Elyssa shrugged. “I opened the paper and showed her my picture, then pointed to my name. ‘That’s me!’ I told her.” Elyssa’s gaze fell to Radar as she remembered the scene. “This woman at the cash register picked up the paper and held it over her head, announcing my award to everyone in line. She said, ‘This calls for some dancing.’ And then she started singing. What a beautiful voice she had. As she danced behind her cash register, and the whole line of strangers was dancing too, all in celebration with me.”

“Wow,” he whispered.

“It was very wow. I was sobbing, I was so grateful. I am still so grateful.” She pulled her hair to the side, tucking it neatly behind her ears. “But as I drove home, I realized that strangerslifted me up higher than my husband did. And I couldn’t undo that in my head. As much as I love that woman in the gas station for her generosity of spirit, I guess I was also grateful to her because I was tired of trying to get Glenn—my then-husband—to tell me I was enough. That he was proud. I kept working for it, striving for it, and it was a waste of energy.”

“What did you want to happen?” Xander asked.

“Honestly? I wanted him to sweep me into his arms and spin me around, throw back his head, and laugh with joy. I wanted him to set me on my feet and gaze into my eyes and say, ‘You are amazing. What you’ve accomplished is incredible and will change lives.’”

“It is, and it will,” Xander said with conviction. “What did Glenn say instead?”

“He said, ‘Okay, good. I’m going to mow the lawn.’”

Xander just sat there and imagined what a gut punch she’d taken.

“Don’t look at me with pity.”

“This is incredulity with an overlay of aghast,” Xander countered.

She pursed her lips and nodded. “The end wasn’t a bang, it was the hum of a shutting garage door, and the buzz of the lawn mower. I went into town, found the newspapers, had my dance party, and then went home to pack a bag. That was pretty much that. Now, I live a poorer but very rich life with friends I love, doing things I love, both at work and for fun.”

“Tell me about the fun things.”

“No. It’s your turn. I told you my sad story. You owe me something of equal weight. Or I am left as the pitiful one.”

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