Page 98 of Hold Still

McKenna

I DISCONNECT THEcall and write down the names of the nurses from Elaine’s agency who will be coming here to be interviewed for the second shift position. Even though the decision about the national competition isn’t for another month, I want to be ready to jump if the exposure itself brings in new clients.

Wandering into the living room, Mom’s watching the soap she’s been hooked on ever since I was a kid. “Monica looks so old. Why did the makeup people do that to her face?”

I glance at the screen. “What do you mean? I think she looks the same.”

Mom shakes her head. “No. It’s like they aged her at least twenty years. And why isn’t she with Rick? Who’s this guy? I don’t understand.”

But I do. My body sags, recognizing her mind has regressed decades. I’ve been spoiled for the past week, when she didn’t have any “incidents.” Guess she’s about due.

“You know how these soaps go, Janice,” Elaine says, placing a cup of tea on the coffee table. “They always have to mix things up to keep people interested.”

Mom sips her tea and sighs, “Yes, you’re right. Have to keep us viewers on our toes, I guess. But, I don’t like her makeup one bit. If I were the actress, I’d complain.”

Elaine sits in a chair opposite, watching Mom as she drinks the hot tea and replaces the teacup onto the saucer. “I bet you would,” she chuckles. Elaine’s been a godsend. When Mom retreats into herself, I don’t know how to handle her. Elaine never flinches.

“Thanks,” I whisper. In response, the nurse smiles and nods, then turns her attention back to Mom.

A jogger catches my attention and I walk to the bay window. He’s wearing a pair of shorts and nothing else, and both of his arms are tatted. His abs are cut just like Ozzy’s, yet neither of his nipples is pierced.

I picture Ozzy jumping out of the pool, naked. His tattoos and piercings on full display. My body yearns for him, but I know that part of my life is over. My eyes follow the jogger as he turns a corner and only then do I realize I’ve been holding my breath. Exhaling the stale air, I close my eyes and let the raw feeling of loss shower over me.

He seemed to be well over me, by the looks of him yesterday. Two bimbos on his arms, drunk and high, yet able to express exactly how he felt about me. He was so wrong. I would still be with him but for Matt. All I meant to do was keep him safe.

Opening my eyes, I notice Matt driving by, stopping in front of my house. When he sees me looking at him, he honks the horn and waves, then takes off leaving squealing tires in his wake.

“What’s that racket?”

I turn around. “Some jerk driving like a maniac, Mom. He’s gone now.” If only he’d stay gone, for good. Or, stick around long enough for me to get the police here.

“Don’t know what’s wrong with your generation. When your father gets home, I’m going to have a talk with him about what we can do.”

My eyes meet Elaine’s. I say, “You do that, Mom,” knowing full well she’ll forget her outburst within the hour.

Sighing, I leave the two of them and return to my bedroom. My journal catches my eye and I pick it up, opening it to a random page. One that’s filled with all sorts of amazing details about a tryst with Ozzy. When I wrote it, I knew we wouldn’t last, which is why I wanted to capture every single moment. So I’d never forget. As if I could, even if I become like Mom.

I flip the pages, skimming over memories of being taken by him in all sorts of places—the stairs, the patio, his music room—and open up to a blank page. Picking up a pen, it stands poised to take down my innermost thoughts. Only, I don’t have any. I’m as blank as these pages.

All because of Matt. Everything flows back to him.

The doorbell sounds, followed by Elaine’s voice. “McKenna, there’s a gentleman here to see you.”

Ozzy! Dropping my journal on the bed, I rush out to the front door. My shoulders droop when the lanky journalist from the Big Reveal stands in the open door. Shit! I forgot all about him.

Tucking my hair behind my ear, I welcome him into the house and usher him to the kitchen before Mom engages. “Would you like something to drink?” I motion for Jeremy to sit while I prepare his requested cup of coffee.

“I hope you don’t mind, but Felicia gave me your home address. When you didn’t show up at the coffeehouse, I figured our meeting had slipped your mind.”

I purse my lips, mentally berating myself for forgetting such an important interview. “I’m so sorry, Jeremy. With all the fuss from yesterday and, uh, things, I totally forgot all about it.” I put his coffee down in front of him, in a mug that saysI’m Silently Judging Your Font Choice.

Jeremy takes out a notebook. “No harm done. Is it okay with you if we run through the questions here?”

Not really. “Sure thing.” I grab another mug—this one saysI’m a Graphic Designer. What’s your Superpower?—and set my coffee to brew. “Give me a sec, okay?”

He nods and I take my time walking out to the living room. Can’t let him see I’m panicked. Smiling at Mom, I bend down to Elaine and whisper, “The guy’s a journalist. I was supposed to meet up with him but forgot, so he came here to do the interview. Can you please keep Mom out of the kitchen while I do it? I’ll try to be quick.”

“I’ll do my best. Sometimes she gets a thought in her head and I can’t control her, but I’ll keep her entertained out here. Or, maybe we’ll go for a walk.”

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