Page 149 of The Alternate Captain
She’s pissed.
But I’m on autopilot. I hit the light and undress before slipping into bed next to her.
“Did you tell him yet?”
“Kel—”
“So that’s ano, then?”
I feel so fucking disappointed in myself, because I had the chance to tell him earlier. I just needed to come out with it and worry about the consequences later. But I couldn’t do it—not after the news I learnt today.
“I told you, I will. I just need to find the right time.”
She shifts in bed, turning herself away from me, and I can feel the tension in the air.
Should I tell her what I know? Would it make a difference?
“This is hurting me, too, beautiful. You know that, right?”
I’m desperate for her to understand how much this is killing me, too. Because I wanted her there at the party this evening. I wanted people to see us together, and witness how fucking amazing she is—and how she makes me come alive like no one has done before.
I wanted to kiss her at midnight.
But I’m met with a wall of silence.
Silence.
But she shimmies back into me and pulls my arm around her waist.
Okay, so she still wants to cuddle. Which is something, at least. And I bury my face in her neck, breathing her in, letting her scent settle the anxiety flaming through me.
But the silence is so abnormal for us, I can’t handle it.
“Talk to me, please,” I prompt.
“What do you want me to say?” she says. “Because I don’t know how many other ways I can ask you when you’re going to tell him.”
“And I will, I just—”
“—need to find the right time,” she says, finishing my sentence.
I let out a heavy exhale and pull her just a little bit closer.
“Is this about what your mom said? Are you worried about the judgement we’ll get from everyone?”
I close my eyes—now burning with the threat of tears, but I can hear the hurt in her voice. And I’m doing this to her. This is my fault.
“No, it’s not. I honestly don’t give a shit what she or anyone else thinks.” Pathetic. “Look—if I tell you something, you can’t tell anyone, okay?”
She reaches up and flicks her lamp on, then rolls over to face me, concern etched over her face. “Johnny—is everything okay?”
“Yeah. But you can’t say anything, right? Promise me, please.”
“Okay, I promise,” she says.
“Coach had a call about the preliminary roster for Team GB. And two of our guys have been listed. Your brother being one of them.” I wait for her expression to change but it doesn’t. She just stares at me, waiting for me to say something else. “And honestly, it’s a fucking huge deal, as you probably know—so I’m just really fucking anxious about telling him now and then having him flip out and cause a drama before they officially announce anything. To be honest, I don’t even think Coach should have told me.”
“So that’s the reason?” she asks after what feels like the longest stretch of silence.
