Page 17 of The Tape Job
“Really?”
“I’m doing my job. That’s it.”
He lets out a breath and straightens his cap.
“I do know how to be professional, you know,” I say, but Johnny shakes his head and looks directly at me.
“You’ve been different since you came back,” he says.
“Where did that come from?” I ask.
“Just thinking out loud.” He stands up anyway to make room for me to squeeze into the corner.
Before I ready my camera, I turn to look at Johnny, and there’s a moment where it feels like we’re both kids again and I feel like sharing.
“Going home was a complete mess,” I start. “And it just made me realise that mom and dad probably won’t care if they never saw me ever again.”
“That’s not true,” he says, digging his hands into the pockets of his jacket. The same team jacket that Liam is wearing, except this one is marked with a ‘C.’
“Isn’t it? Because I’ve always been a spare part—actually, it doesn’t matter. Everything was perfect for you.”
“Is that what you think?” he scoffs and looks out onto the ice.
“I don’t even think they wanted me.” It’s the first time I’ve ever said it out loud, and I wait for something to come—tears, anger—I don’t know, something. But it doesn’t.
“You’re being ridiculous.” There it is, typical Johnny.
“Am I? Because that’s how I feel.” That’s how I’ve always felt, even before our parents got divorced.
I don’t resent Johnny, but I was envious of the attention he got from our dad. It was always all about Johnny. Even more so when he made a Triple-A team, and the focus was entirely on him. What we did on weekends, what we ate,how we spent any time as a family; it always revolved around hockey. And it was horrible. That was until Liam came into the picture. He made things more bearable, even if he ignored me for a long time. I used to count down the days until I’d see him next. And that first time his mom, Lois, invited me over for dinner along with Johnny, I thought I was going to explode.
“Well, they don’t feel that way,” Johnny says, staring at me for a moment before he nods and walks away.
I can’t say I’m surprised since Johnny’s immediate go-to reactions are to punch a wall or run away. Unless he’s dishing out advice. I know he’ll avoid this conversation for a while, and I’ll let him since I’m exhausted with it myself. It’s all I’ve been thinking about. But now, I need to concentrate on what I’m supposed to be doing.
I busy myself with my camera. As soon as the junior team file onto the bench next to me, I get a few shots of them setting up. Ryan paces behind them, giving them a pep-talk. Then Liam is there, leaning against the wall next to where Ryan stands. I can feel his eyes burning into me.
I spend the first half of the period taking shots from the corner, building up the courage to squeeze past them to change my angle. But I’m forced into action when I hear my name called.
“Vic, can you get some from centre ice?” Ryan waves me towards him and pushes himself up against the wall to let me pass, but I swear Liam keeps himself as jutted as possible, forcing me to touch him.
Just as I think I’m clear, I feel a hand settle on my shoulder, causing me to halt. “Can we talk?”
“Use your legs, boys. Let me see those feet moving!” Ryan shouts at the top of his lungs, and the bustle of the kids moving on the bench forces me to step away. I get into position and finish up my shots there for the rest of theperiod. Ryan’s juniors score the opening goal, and I capture the all-important celly in action.
Stepping aside to let the juniors pass as the buzzer goes, I’m convinced Liam’s waiting to pounce again. Instead, he disappears into the secondary dressing room with Ryan. I slump down onto the bench and flick through the shots I’ve got so far, the slushy water under my feet causing me to regret my choice of footwear.
I don’t even notice Liam sit down next to me until he says hello and it’s like he’s transported me back in time. To a time when I thought we were okay, just before we went into that equipment room. My mind is working overtime, and I’m replaying Christmas Eve morning all over again. I’d woken up in bed with Liam, his arms wrapped around me, and I thought there was nowhere else I’d ever want to be. I liked it, and I got emotional and called Jen, all good. Then Liam went to the gym with Johnny and Ryan.
“What did Johnny say to you on Christmas Eve at the gym?” I blurt it out before I can fully think about what I’m asking him.
“What?”
“The morning before we went skating. We were fine and then you went to the gym. And then—what did Johnny say?” I look down at my camera as I talk, afraid of crying if I look directly at him.
“Oh, so you’re talking to me now?”
“No.” I stand up and slip past him, making my way over to where Johnny leans against the boards. He’s facing away from me, but I catch the conversation he’s in the middle of.
