Page 63 of The Tape Job
“Oh, my fucking Christ!” She sits up and there’s a scramble before the lamp next to the bed comes to life. “You almost gave me a fucking heart attack! What the hell are you doing?”
“I needed to talk with you.”
“How did you—”
“I stole your key.”
“You stole my key?” She’s acting like this is the first time I’ve snuck into her bedroom; but I guess it’s fair, considering how things are between us. I’ve not seen the inside of Vicky’s room properly, only ever half-exposed during the video calls we’ve had in the past. It’s full of memories, most of which we share, and it doesn’t take long for me to spot a photo of my mom on the wall.
“Lee?”
“Sorry, yeah.” Without paying it much thought, I kick my shoes off and take my jacket off before laying on the bed next to Vicky.
“What’s happening?” she exclaims.
“I fucked up.” I briefly gaze at the ceiling before turning to look at her. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…” I pause to compose myself, unsure of what I am apologizing for. “Look, I don’t know why I was so blunt earlier, but fuck, Vic. What the hell are we doing?”
“I don’t know,” she says weakly, slipping down the headboard, so she’s laying down, then she turns towards me. We lock eyes in silence, only the fan breaking the stillness. “Where do we go from here?” she finally says.
“Nowhere. Johnny told me to keep away from you, and Ryan agrees that’s the best plan. I know it’s not their decision but…”
“Do you want to keep away?” she whispers.
I swallow hard. “No. But I have to. I can’t go through that again.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to—”
But I lean in towards her and press my finger to her lips. “Please, don’t.” I know as soon as she starts, she’ll cry, and then I’ll cry. She understands, nodding and silencing herself.
I originally came here wanting to have it out with her, to demand answers. But it doesn’t feel like that’s the right thing to do anymore. We continue to stare at each other. And afraid I may want to lean forward and kiss her, I change thesubject drastically. “Hey, do you think Johnny has a secret girlfriend?”
“A secret girlfriend? What?” Vicky laughs—the hushed, silent sort of laugh that she perfected back when we were kids, and it’s like fucking music to my ears.
“He’s acting shady. Holding his phone close, dropping everything and disappearing as soon as it goes off. I made a joke about it the other day, and he stonewalled me.”
“Johnny’s too much of a douche to have a girlfriend,” Vicky says, taking a deep breath in to stop herself from sniggering.
And before I know it, we’re here, right in each other’s space, whispering back and forth. The light from her lamp is enough for me to get lost in her eyes. It’s just like old times. It’s dangerous territory.
“So, why didn’t you tell me you were back in Canada?” I ask her when we pause again.
“I just needed some time to think.”
“Did you see your folks?”
“Yes, but I shouldn’t have bothered.” Sadness fills her eyes as she tells me about her dad sending a taxi to pick her up, and then the shit attempt at a nice father-daughter dinner. “Going back made me question where I belong, Lee. Like, I was excited to go home, but it didn’t really feel like home anymore. Do you know what I mean?”
Sadly, I did. “I don’t really know where home is either, Vic,” I say, but then I realise I do because I feel at home right now. Part of me wants to tell her, but I’m already crossing the line by still being here. “I guess, if I had to pick where to go next, I’d go to Vancouver. But I don’t know.” I really didn’t know. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with myself when I retire, and I hadn’t paid any thought to where I’d end up.
Vicky reads my mind. “Have you decided on your post-season plans?”
“No.” I roll onto my back. “And I’m supposed to figure it out soon. I need a plan.”
“Why are you putting so much pressure on yourself? You don’t have to figure anything out immediately. If you wanted, you could take a year off and do whatever you liked. But it seems obvious to me,” Vicky says, and I feel the bed shift as she rolls over, too. “You shouldn’t quit. Think about it,” she says. We fall silent again.
“What’s your plan once your visa expires? Are you planning to renew it?” I ask.
“I guess it depends on what Johnny’s doing. It’s weird, Lee, because Johnny’s Johnny, but I’ve sort of gotten used to him being around, and I—” she stops and shifts on the bed again.
