Page 70 of Replay

“Who are they?”

“Oh, Fitch was traded in over the summer. He had nothing to do with last season and he’s playing solidly. Petey is our goalie. He wasn’t in net when we lost last year. He’s playing well this season, but he’s not getting a lot of support.”

“How are you responsible for last season?”

Hockey was a team sport, but it did depend on everyone doing their best. “I didn’t score. Like, if I’d scored in regulation in that last game, we wouldn’t have gone to overtime, JJ wouldn’t have slid into Petey, and Crash and Mitch wouldn’t have been on for that last shift.”

“Hmmm. Could all the players have that same concern, that they should have scored in regulation?”

“Maybe? Not the goalies, obviously. Some of the guys don’t score a lot, but any of us could have put the biscuit in the basket and that would have been it.”

She scribbled something down. “And your responsibility for this season?”

I chewed on my lip. “I dunno. I mean, I started out okay, but now I don’t know if I’m getting worse, or if it just seems like that since nothing is working?”

“Like the yips are catching?”

I considered. “Hockey is a team sport. You need the other guys for a team to succeed. So, I guess it could.”

“Is there someone who could have started this cycle?”

“I’m not blaming anyone!”

She shook her head. “It’s not a matter of blame. But if one person was affected, it could have spread. So, similarly, maybe there’s one person who could get over that insecurity, and it would expand to everyone else.”

“I suppose.” I looked over her shoulder at a blank wall. Could it be that easy? If so, I wasn’t the person who could do it. I’d been sure, back in Seattle. “I don’t think it’s one person. I think it’s most of us. Maybe all of us. We were a really tight group. The way teams are when they’re playing well. I think it’s all of us or none of us.”

“That’s an interesting perspective, Josh. Thank you for sharing it.”

I focused on her again. “Hey, I don’t really know. I’m just saying stuff.”

“You don’t have a lot of confidence in yourself?”

“I can play hockey, and I know that. But this other stuff, the stuff that’s in our heads? I don’t know that.”

“Do you think your teammates would understand that better?”

I shrugged. “Probably.”

“Why is that?”

“Some of them are really smart. I didn’t even go to college. I needed a tutor to get through high school math.”

She nodded slowly. “There are different kinds of intelligence, Josh. Not all are measured on standardized tests.”

“You sound like my tutor.”

“Would you say your tutor was smart?”

“Oh yeah. She’s brilliant.”

“Maybe you should listen to her.”

Katie

Josh’s team was not doing well. I sympathized, because I was also struggling with my research project. I was so frustrated with my advisor.

He nitpicked at my proposal, but when I asked for ways to improve he was vague and told me that it was my job to figure it out. Some of my peers were getting into their research projects, and I couldn’t even get approval on my topic. He was dismissive, and though there wasn’t anything I could clearly identify, I definitely felt he’d be happier with a male student.

---