Page 29 of Friendzone Hockey
“I don’t want to lose you,” I finally manage.
That. That right there is why I’m a selfish, selfish, leech. I want Stacey to stay forever mine no matter what else happens. That’s fucked up. It doesn’t stop me wanting it.
“You’re never gonna lose me, okay? I’ll get over my feelings in time. I promise not to make this weird for you. I know how to be respectful, and I know how to be your friend above all else.”
“Oh, god. I asked you to be my best man. I’m the worst.” All the little horrors wash through me. Me going to him with every Syd problem, me telling him I was getting married. If he was already aching, these things had to be ripping him apart. I’m not an innocent party just because I was an ignorant party.
“You’re not the worst, but it’s stuff like being your best man that made me see I had to tell you. How can you be an authentic friend if you don’t know how I feel? You probably wouldn’t have asked me had you known, but I’d still like to be your best man if you’ll let me.”
I don’t know what I want right now, but I do know that whatever it ends up being, I won’t be able to do it without him. “You sure you’re gonna be fine with it?”
“I’m not saying I won’t have days, but I won’t let it affect you. Trent and Alex help.” He winks.
My stomach lurches.
“Unless … should I take them home?”
I shake my head. “No. I’m just not used to seeing you with someone like them. I’ll be fine.” Am I fine, though? I guess I’m doing a good job of looking fine. Just like I always do. Showing how not fine I was never boded well for me.
He leans back. “This is already a relief. It’s a weight I’ve been carrying around for years.”
What the fuck?Years?
“But now that it’s out there, it’s not so heavy. I can move on now, I think,” he finishes.
Move on? I didn’t know there was an on and now he’s moving on from that on? Inside, I’m drowning, which is stupid.
“Plus, you’re so in love with Syd that I figured this wouldn’t be a big deal.”
I force a nod. “Yeah.” I do love Syd.
But not like I fucking love you, you fucking idiot.
Stacey’s the only person on earth I can love like I do while wanting to pound on him at the same time.
I can’t stave off the tick any longer. I let my right hand cup the left, I let my right thumb smooth over the phantom ache. It’s the second-best feeling in the world.
Stacey doesn’t miss what I’m doing. He frowns, biting his lip and trying not to let me see that he sees.
“I just…” My voice comes out all croaky. “What changed for you? What made it finally okay?”
He wants to touch me, wants to reach out and stop my hands from what they’re doing. I can feel it in the air. He doesn’t.
“It was something Casey said to me. You haven’t been in the state Robin and your mom left you in for a long time. You’ve done the work, and it would be so unfair for me not to acknowledge that. You’ve moved past it.”
The elation that was on standby, that I haven’t let out of the box yet, snuffs out of existence. It’s a damn good thing I wasn’t stupid enough to let myself go there. Stacey’s wrong. Yeah, I’ve moved on, but it’s not as pretty as he’s making it sound. The damage Robin and Mom did isn’t gone. It was permanent. But just like my thumb, you can’t see the scar because I don’t let it come to the surface. I keep those parts of me on lockdown because when people see them, they think I’m still injured.
That’s the difference. The injury’s gone, I can function again, but the phantom pain remains.
I’m not as vulnerable or skittish as I was, but I’ll always be just a little dependent on him, or maybe a lot. Stacey doesn’t want that. He made it clear that needing him like I do was only fine as friends. Anything else would be a breach of morals for him. And while Stacey and I have very few boundaries, that’s not one I’m willing to cross.
If anything, this is the final nail in the coffin for us. I want Stacey, he wants me, but my past will forever keep us apart.
I let go of my hand and that seems to relax him. Wouldn’t he like to know that I’ve simply opted for pain today? Pain is a good teacher.
“I’ve definitely done the work. And, yeah, Syd’s pretty great, so I’m happy.”
“Good. Okay. That’s fucking good. I didn’t know how this was gonna go over, but I think it went well?” He lifts a single brow to punctuate the question mark of that sentence. He needs to know from me, needs my okay.
