Page 129 of Friendzone Hockey
“Or just cuddle us. Either way,” Alex says.
I'm thinking about it for the first time in the two weeks I’ve known them. Dash isn’t going to be mine. I have to accept that. If I really love Dash, I’ll let him move on from me. I need to take a step, however small, to move on from him, too.
I lean into the dynamic with Alex and Trent a little, smacking Alex’s juicy round ass. “I’ll think about it, darlin’. You two head to the bedroom and unpack. I’ll be right there.” I point out where they should go, and they bound away like happy bunnies.
From my bag, I take out Mom’s journal. I don’t know if I can read this. I don’t know if I ever want to read this. I slip it into one of the storage bins in the garage. Dash labeled and organized these bins for me when he moved in.
Fuck. It’s a punch in the gut all over again. I can’t think about him. I toss the bin back where it belongs, the still-locked journal sealed inside.
Iwas proud of myself for about twenty minutes. For every second of those twenty minutes, I let myself believe that, yeah, I can move on. It’s fucking essential that I do. If it were just heartache holding me back, I’d shut the hell up forever, but there’s something else, and I saw it on Dash’s face last night.
Trent and Alex drive a hard bargain. They know about the Dash situation, and they want to help me.
“You be our director, Hockey Daddy. Just watch us, tell us what to do, and maybe let us kiss you a little?Tryus. We’ll make you feel good,” Alex had said.
I wanted to feel good. Fuck, I needed it. I was beyond my breaking point, and last night I broke. I let them try. It wasn’t bad, but that doesn’t mean it was good either. Nothing to do with them, I’m just not ready for anything beyond a little friendly cuddling. But I was glad I’d tried. Then Dash came home.
I reached for my robe to cover up. Trent stopped me, shaking his head. “Don’t you want to know?”
“Know what?” I said.
“We haven’t even known you that long, but we know what that man’s done to your heart.”
I frowned. “Not his fault.”
Alex sighed. “No, but trust us. Go out there without a robe. You need an answer. This is how you’ll get it.”
The question I can’t articulate. The one burning for an answer. The one that without it, I’m in fucking limbo.
But something else flared up, too. Indignation. Why can’t I enjoy a little sex? He’s getting married, I’m the one getting left behind. We’re going to have to let each other go. What better way to start than to show him I’m trying?
I walked out and immediately regretted it. His face was enough to convince me I needed to find a monastery to join, like, fucking yesterday. Sex isn’t worth that look on his face. Another partner isn’t worth that look on his face.
So, fuck it. No more boyfriends. No more trying to hook up.
I’m his, however he’ll have me.
Trent and Alex were right, I did get my answer, and my question.
Question: How do I move forward with Dash?
The answer: However he fucking tells me to.
But I’m also laying it on the table for him. I won’t hold onto this feeling anymore. If I’m his, I’m gonna live that, even if it’s unrequited. But in order to do that, he has to know how I feel.
If there’s ever an opportunity, even the slightest window open for me to reach in and snatch him away from Syd willingly, I won’t hesitate ever again.
Chapter
Twenty-Three
NOW
Dash
Cool morning light greets me when my eyes pry themselves open. My body jerks. Where am I? My hands slide across a fuzzy white blanket, there’s a window, I’m on a couch. Fuck. I’m still at Syd’s apartment. I must have fallen asleep.
I move carefully, sensing that someone’s on the floor just below me. Syd. The longer strands of his hair fall across his face. There’s a slow rise and fall of his chest as he peacefully breathes. I watch him for a while. He’s covered in a blanket, too. He must have slept out here with me.
