Page 89 of Friendzone Hockey
“Tell them?—”
“Yep. It’s me. I’m at Newlands. You need a picture ID or something?” Guess they don’t. He’s off the phone and it’s a done deal.
“Stace, what did you do?”
Chapter
Seventeen
NOW
Stacey
What did I do? I made sure that I’d spend the rest of my life in hell is what I’ve done. But for Dash, I’ll live in the fire.
Chapter
Eighteen
NOW
Same Day
Dash
I—very apologetically—cancel the other appointments I’ve made, since I have a wedding venue now. I have a wedding venue. This is happening.
Oh god, this is happening. I don’t think I’m supposed to feel dread. Why do I feel dread?
A warm hand quickly takes mine, holding it tightly. Stace. “Take a slow breath, sweetheart.”
Stacey sounds the most Canadian whenever he says sweetheart. Or maybe it’s just when he says it to me.
“I’m fine. Just the hangover,” I lie. “Today was a lot.” It’s all a fucking lot. I spent forever convincing myself I was delusional. I could feel him. I still feel him. But now the signals are muddled because I can’t trust what I’m feeling.
He did that. And he meant to do it in the beginning. Clearly, it changed, but he didn’t fucking tell me.
“And I didn’t make it easier. I’m sorry, Dash. I … well the truth is, I was the one getting jealous. The Nolan-Smith thing set me off.”
“It did?”
“Yeah. I couldn’t help remembering our pact. You know the one.”
“If we weren’t married by the time I turned thirty we’d marry each other?”
“Yeah, that one. I couldn’t help picturing it for just a second—especially with everything about to change. I didn’t want to lose you. In a way, you’ve kind of been mine. Now, I’ll have to share you with Syd.”
I rub circles into his hand with my thumb.
For the longest time, I vowed I wasn’t gonna marry anyone else, and as soon as I turned twenty-nine, I’d finally snatch him up. I’d aimlessly date people to prove to myself and Stacey that I could date more than just Stacey. When we were finally together, he’d know I wanted him, that it wasn’t just the broken parts of me who did.
But then something awful happened. The more men I dated, the more I realized Stacey was right.
I need Stacey in a way that’s beyond what’s considered normal or healthy.
I didn’t want anyone else but him. I couldn’t want anyone else but him. Know what I did? I compared them to Stacey, is what I did. It messed with my head. I replayed every interaction with Stacey, I analyzed my actions. I depended on Stacey way too much. Last season away from him was hell. The further I felt from Stacey, the more I withered. I almost broke up with Syd because of it, but breaking up with yet another man because I couldn’t get over Stacey was the last thing I wanted to do. I had to make things work with Syd. He was the only man I’d ever felt anything close to love for. I knew I’d be happy with Syd.
I need to forget this fever dream we’ve indulged in. I need to move on. Just like with everything else, I’ll heal away from this crippling codependence I have with Stacey. It’ll hurt like fuck, but over time, with some distance, these intense feelings for Stacey will finally fade away.
