Page 86 of Friendzone Hockey
“Maybe I’ll ask the other guys, see what they think. It’s about time Rhett, Mercy, Mitch and I had our own chat.”
“You’re outnumbered.”
“One of me was all it took to take down one of you. I’m sure we’ll be fine.”
Yeah. Unfortunately.
“S-So, is the chat over before it started?” Fuck, am I stuttering? But he’s just so big, and good-smelling, and on top of me. Is he gonna kiss me again? I’m staring at his lips.
He shakes his head. He’s staring, looking into my soul, reading my mind. The rhythm of Stacey’s diaphragm has changed. It’s slow and unsteady like mine.
There’s a knock on the window. I jump. “Fuck. Please tell me the windows are tinted.”
“The back ones are,” he says pulling away quickly. “The front side isn’t supposed to be tinted—illegal—but the last owner didn’t care. We’re good.”
I’ve never been so grateful for something criminal. But only because no one could see. Apparently, that’s what Stacey and I have become. Criminal. Illegal. Every touch is something secret.
“But we’re fine. We weren’t doing anything.”
No.
No.
Fucking Christ, no.
It didn’t feel like nothing, unless that was just me. Was it just me? Fuck, am I hallucinating now? Or worse, did I say something to make him back off again? It’s happened before. I know it has. A few times over the years we’d gotten close enough that I thought something was going to happen, but then I’d say something, and he’d retreat like I had the fucking plague.
In the other instances, it was usually something hinting to my past—that’s a sure-fire way to get Stacey to metaphorically set me down like I’m a dangerous python he had the misfortune of picking up. But that didn’t happen just now. It didn’t. I matched his energy this time. I unfortunately—in this case—know the man too well to deny it. He’s afraid of his reactions to me, and I’ve got zero defense against that.
Stacey told me a long time ago that he’s his own man. He lives and dies by his own set of values. No one can change them, not even me. If he’s faltering—a-fucking-gain—I’ve learned the hard way that there’s nothing I can do about it.
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe I let myself fall for it again. The wintry frost of panic brushes over my skin like a warning. I almost dived into the same painful abyss I did that one awful summer when I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me, but that it was never going to happen.
So what is this, then? What the fuck’s he doing? Living out a ‘what if’ fantasy? Maybe that’s why he wouldn’t turn the car around. It would have made it too real. It’s too late, though. Hope had already sprouted its first seeds.
It feels like losing him all over again. I’m gonna puke.
Worst hangover of my life.
Stacey starts the vehicle to roll down the window, talking to the man outside while I have an internal conniption. I know better. I know so much better. Stacey does too. He’d never do this to be cruel intentionally. At the very least, he must be experiencing the same fears I am—that we’ll lose the “us” we are, that we’ll have to make a new “us”.
Neither of us knows how to do that, but it doesn’t mean him marrying me instead is the solution.
“Parking lot security,” he says, rolling the window up. “They don’t see too many vehicles like this. I explained about the appointment. C’mon.”
I’ve never hopped out of a vehicle so fast. I don’t want him to see my face until I’ve had the chance to distract myself long enough to plaster on a smile.
I flex and extend my hand. Functional. No scars on the outside. Haunted hallways within. That’s me.
“Wait.”
Dammit. I spin around, smiling, hoping it’s enough.
He yanks me toward him and because I’m a fucking fool for him, I can’t help myself. I let my arms wrap around his thick torso, let my body mold against his. I close my eyes, inhaling his scent as if I need it to survive. All the ghosts inside me are scaredaway. They won’t dare come out when he’s around. That’s what it means to have your very own mercenary angel—full protection from evil, ultimate safety, the best arms in the world.
My heart beats a calm and steady rhythm, and the word fear ceases to exist, obliterated from my lexicon.
I can live.
