Page 160 of Friendzone Hockey
He closes his eyes and takes a breath. Then another. I make him take a few more.
“If I wanna chose a shitty husband, I get to. It’s a free country.”
“Stacey,” he whines. He whines because he knows me well enough to know what I’m doing. He knows—when he’s not upset—that I married him because I think the world of him. That the idea of him being a shitty husband is absurd. Plain saying it won’t help.
“Tell me what happened to them.”
“I will, but I might cry again.”
“And I’m right here if you do.”
He sniffles, nodding. “Your parents were in love—honest to god fairytale love. You met your dad, you know? You and Casey were born before he left, and there’s a reason you’re so good at hockey.”
A raw form of breathlessness catches in my lungs. “Dad’s a hockey player?”
“Yep. He wasn’t an Alderchuck, though—that’s your mom’s maiden name.”
“You just said was.” He nods. Dad must be dead. The first knot in my chest forms. I never knew him, I didn’t think I wanted to know him, but having him back for a second like that … maybe I would have liked to know him after all.
“He sounds so much like you, it makes my chest ache, Stace.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Your mama loved him so much.”
“What happened?”
“It sounds like things were hard that first year you and Casey were born. He was drafted to the juniors, she had giant twins sucking her tits dry—her words, not mine.”
I laugh. Sounds like Mom.
“A lot was going on. It wasn’t any one thing. A gasoline can of problems thrown onto the fire of them missing each other like limbs. Lots of emotions, post-pregnancy hormones. Your momwas the one to end things. She pushed for a divorce, but he didn’t want it. He wrote her letters while he was away for hockey. He told her she was coming back for her and you and Case.”
“And then?”
“It worked.” He smiles. “But she wanted to tell him in person, so she told him to come home and they’d talk.”
It’s just like climbing to the top of a rollercoaster track. I know the drop’s coming.
“He wanted to see her so bad—your mom didn’t say that, I’m speculating—so instead of coming home with the team, he rented a car after the last game and planned to drive home from Kelowna that night.”
“H-He didn’t make it home, did he?”
Dash shakes his head.
Fuck, that’s a real punch in the gut. And I see what Dash means. What if I hadn’t gotten my head out of my ass and something had happened to one of us?
Not gonna voice that thought out loud. I tighten my grip on him, though.
“The combination of pain and shame was overwhelming for her,” he says as if he’s right there with her. “That’s why she couldn’t bear to tell you. She was so afraid you’d hate her, and even if you didn’t, she hated herself for it.”
“I could never have hated her for this.”
“She probably knew that logically, but shame twists your thoughts. She sent him away, ergo, she blamed herself. It’s the same for me, Stace. That’s why no matter how far I get from the Robin event, I can’t seem to forgive myself all the way for letting him do what he did. And look, I even said it again—lethim. I can already hear Billy’s voice taking me through the chain of thinking that would lead me away from the story that I ‘let’ him. He manipulated me. Consciously, I know that. But somewhere deep inside I hear that nasty little echo saying,you could havedone something, Dash,but you didn’t.That’s what shame does for me. From everything she bled onto those pages, it sounds like shame twisted her thoughts too.”
“Oh, Dashie.” His pain is my pain. My mom’s pain is my pain.
“Don’t look like that. You know my motto about this stuff. It might force me to pause sometimes, but it’s not going to stop me.”
