Page 131 of Friendzone Hockey
Don’t know if Stacey’ll still want me when I tell him that, when I admit that I can’t live without him, but I’d rather work our way back to friendship than ever hurt someone like I’m about to hurt Syd again.
Other relationships don’t work for me, and this is the solid proof of it.
“But even if none of his magical healing properties existed, I’d love him.” I don’t know how to convey my love for Stacey in a way Syd will understand. It’s all the little moments we’ve spent together, the big ones, the fights, the grocery store runs, Frappuccino and sushi, late nights working bar together.
It’s also my complete and utter adoration of the man. No one will ever measure up to him, and that’s even when he has his head up his ass. Even when I hate him—maybe especially when I hate him. Even when I want to pound on him a bit.
“I’m, fuck, I’m so sorry.” The tears finally boil over. I hate that I did this to him, but I’m not gonna run from it. I’m gonna take responsibility for being the worst.
Syd stands up. He pulls me out of my seat, and I let him comfort me, even though maybe I should be comforting him? I don’t know that he needs it. Maybe he didn’t get my meaning?
“Shhh, it’s okay. I forgive you. What happened to you was awful and you’ve bonded to Stacey because of it. Those sorts of codependent relationships never work out in the long run. Over time, all that will fade away, and I’m willing to wait it out. That’s how much I fucking love you, Dash.”
Ask me how tired I am of hearing Stacey and I are nothing but a trauma bond.
It makes us sound so bad. Like we were never real. Like our friendship is something to be ashamed of. I’m ashamed of a lot of things, but not what I have with Stacey.
Guess I can’t blame Syd for an assessment like that, but that doesn’t stop the grain-of-rice-sized pebble of resentment fromsprouting to life. My friendship with Stacey means everything to me. I wish Syd hadn’t reduced it to the equivalent of poison.
“I’ve left you alone for way too long. That’s my fault.”
That’s … I don’t like that. He can’t be for real.
“It’s so not your fault, Syd.” More people blaming themselves for my failings as if I can’t possibly fuck up on my own—just what I need. “But I can’t marry you when I have these kinds of feelings for my best friend. I’m sorry.”
Syd’s fingers grip around the back of my neck tightly, so fucking tightly, I’m sure he doesn’t intend on letting me go. Does he know he’s doing it? My heart rate kicks up. My mind races with ways to put him on his ass.
You’re a big strong hockey player now. You’ve kicked lots of asses of men stronger than Syd. You can kick his too.But I’m frozen. Can’t move, can’t speak. Can barely convince myself to inhale. His fingers dig deeper, till they hurt. My brain races, searching for things I might have missed about him. Syd’s never been violent, hell, I’m more violent than he is. It’s gotta be shock. Please say it’s shock.
“I need you to let go of me, Syd.”
He takes a deep inhale, but steps away. His eyes glisten, and his lip trembles. Watching a man as strong as him fall apart like this is enough to convince me never to date anyone again.
“I didn’t mean to do that. I … fuck, I’m sorry, bright eyes.”
“I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know. That’s not who you are, Dash. I know you care about me. But are you sure? Sure you won’t think differently in a few days?”
I shake my head. “I’ve been in love with that man for a third of my life. If he rejects me a third time—no. Know what? It’s not happening. I’ll stage a fucking intervention. I’ll have Sutter and Rhett drag him to a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and we’ll all knock sense into him.”
Syd gives a weak smile. “What’s a Sutter?”
“A hockey player with shady-ass friends.”
Ipush the heavy door to Syd’s condo building open with a sinking feeling in my gut, itchy eyes, constricted chest. I’m a wreck. He tried to convince me to let him drive me to where I was going, but I lied and said I had an Uber on the way. I needed to get out of there. Breaking up is so fucking hard.
But even with all that, there’s a lightness in my step. My heart’s beating just a bit easier. Syd can be with who he truly deserves. And I …
… well I can return to my pining. Or something.
All I know is that it’s clouding over already. So much for the sunny day I woke up to. Everything’s spiraling, transforming into the same murkiness shrouding me.
I walk to The Wicklow, which is a considerable distance from Syd’s condo. We don’t open for a few hours, so color me fucking surprised when I turn up and see Stacey’s hideous canary yellow Hummer in the parking lot. Fuck me. I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to him yet. Wonder if I can sneak up to Dad’s for a quick pep talk? Tugging the hood of my hoodie over my head, I slip inside.
Yeah. Guess who’s already at a fucking table with his brother and Thing One and Thing Two perched on either side of him? Yeah, it’s Mr. Fucking Alderchuck. Why does he gotta be here so early?
I’m surprised to see Casey without Sutter, though. They’ve been attached at the dick. They could be having a spat, knowing them. We never truly know if they’re flirting or fighting.
