Page 24 of Asher's Answer
Mine just fell into my lap, or, rather, I guess I fell into his, but I know there are groups online, or munches, and The Grove apparently holds ‘adoption’ nights for unattached littles and caregivers to meet and mingle and play.
“I tried,” Matt sighs and topples the tower we were building. “The last Daddy I met said I was too big and too old to be little.” He looks at the carpet, his voice sounding smaller and more vulnerable than I’ve ever heard it before. Hurt seems to radiate from him. “They all do.”
“Assholes.”
Daddy pipes up from the couch, “Language, Ash.”
Whoops.
Still, I’m kind of incensed right now, so instead of heeding the warning, I turn back to Matt. In my rage, I’ve slipped further out of my little space, though I’m still not big. Not with Matt still little, too. “No, seriously, fuck that guy. Fuck them all.”
“Asher!” Daddy’s standing up now with his arms folded and a stern look on his face.
I pout. “But, Daddy…”
“What are the rules?” He holds firm.
Matt’s looking between us with wide eyes because not many people get to hear Daddy’s cranky voice. And, usually, I don’t push my luck with him. The last time was over not eating my peas -because, eww, peas- and I’d had to stand in the corner for five minutes. But this time, I’m too frustrated over the pain some random douche-canoe has caused my friend.
Ignoring Daddy, I turn back to Matt. “All those guys are fuckheads, and they’rewrong.”
“You’ve been warned, bud,” Daddy’s pulling me to my feet and marching me to the naughty corner. “Tenminutes.”
I had cried over the pea thing, sniffling in the corner because I’d been bratty and I knew it. But this? Nope. I’m in the right.
I’m fidgeting after five minutes, but I’m not even close to feeling sorry for swearing.
At the ten-minute mark, when Daddy comes to ask me if I’ve thought about what I’ve done, I nod. But instead of apologizing like he expects, I fold my arms across my chest and say, “I’m not taking it back. The guys who said that to Matt can kiss my ass.”
I’m pretty sure he looks amused -and even a little proud- for a moment, but then he schools his expression and says, “You’ll be writing lines if you’re not careful, Ash.”
I roll my eyes. That’s not going to change anything, and we both know it.
“Asher,” he sighs heavily, and now I start to wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have been quite so bratty about it, “whether I agree with your assessment or not, the rule is no swearing when you’re little.”
Uh oh.He’s right.
“It’s about behavior and limits. And I’m disappointed that you blatantly ignored me and continued to do the wrong thing. That sort of behavior isn’t appropriate for little boys, and you shouldn’t have said those words to Matteo while he was also little, even if they weren’t directed at him.”
My brain is stuck on one word.Disappointed? Oh no.
Guilt begins to churn in my gut. He’s never been disappointed in me. It hurts.
“Do you understand? I’m not happy with the way you chose to behave or the fact that you intentionally ignored me when I reminded you of the rules. You were deliberately naughty.”
My sinuses sting with impending tears and my throat goes tight. I hate disappointing Daddy. Hate it. I want him to love me. I want him to be proud of me. My bottom lip quivers. I can’t look him in the eye. The word ‘disappointed’ is still echoing around my head.
“Oh, baby,” he says softly, and then I lose it, flinging my arms around his neck and apologizing through heaving, messy sobs. It’s been a long time since I last lost it like this.
When I tell him that I’m sorry for being a disappointment, he shakes his head next to mine. “That was a poor choice of words on my part, baby.Youwill never be a disappointment. The choices you made to break the rules and ignore me? Yeah. Butneveryou.” He holds me and rubs my back until I’m calm, and then surprises me by adding, “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear about why I was disciplining you, little lamb. And we’ll talk about that properly when you’re big.”
Communication is a big thing for Charlie. We ended up adding it as an afterthought to the honesty rule. It’s important to him that we learn from any of these little stumbles as we go, and I love how seriously he takes that…how seriously he takesus, whether I’m little or big or somewhere in between.
* * *
Another addendum to the honesty rule? Lying by omission or deflection is still lying.
This isn’t something we stumble upon through play. It’s an issue that builds because I still find it difficult to voice the things I’m interested in trying. Like bottles. Charlie made it clear at the very beginning that he’s waiting on me to set the pace on new experiences, and I appreciate that so much…but sometimes I just want him to make the decision for me.
