Page 163 of Scoring the Player
What she said. You can go now.
“Open your eyes when you’re ready.”
I minimize my reflection in the small square in the corner, wiping my eyes on the shoulder of my T-shirt.
She does the thing where she smiles at me with her eyes before they close, giving me permission to close my own eyes and take a second to breathe.
After, she asks, “Would you like to take a minute to get a sip of water, stretch, or just breathe a little longer before we talk about what came up?”
“I’m okay,” I answer.
“Okay. How was that for you?”
“Peachy,” I huff into a tissue as I blow my nose.
“Mm. That was really hard work. You know how we talked about how complex PTSD can lead to these fragmented selves or parts due to chronic trauma experienced during childhood or over long periods?”
I nod.
“And all of those selves of the psyche hold different, at times conflicting, memories, emotions, and behaviors?”
“Yeah,” I reply. “You said part of the trauma work is to integrate those parts.”
“Yes, that’s correct.” She pauses as I take a sip of water. “We just did some of that work today. I am so proud of the way you showed up.
“Our brains separate overwhelming experiences to keep us going. And these separate parts don’t always speak to each other, which makes it hard to know what’s in there and, in turn, how to regulate our emotions. The abuse you suffered when you were young points to a wounded child inside of you who is now getting the healing he needs and deserves. How did it feel to be in his presence?”
I rub my ear. “Gross.”
“Gross. Hmm. You know, you felt angry that he was so afraid. I think what you were really tapping into is his helplessness. He was forced to hold so much pain and fear.”
My knee bounces under the table as pressure bubbles up in my throat.
“And no adult showed up to help protect him. He is so brave for holding it all. It’s not easy. The relational and developmental trauma that he—you—experienced was complex. You were punished for needing safety, connection, and love. Your pain is not dramatic. The work that you have been doing to process it all is really difficult work.”
“Isn’t there an easier way than this? Like a pill?” I ask.
“This is part of the work. Unfortunately, there isn’t a magic solution out there. But work is being done to explore supportive avenues. For example, I just read about a nonprofit that’s helping PTSD survivors access plants and other medicines, with the help of trained medical professionals, to revisit traumatic moments. It isn’t FDA approved here in the United States, but there are clinical trials in places like Mexico and Peru that have had encouraging results. I offer that to say, with more resourcing, we’ll continue to learn more ways to approach trauma work.”
“Plant medicine?”
She nods. “We’re seeing funding for private clinical trials to treat post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, and addiction, using psilocybin and MDMA. Again, it’s just an example. It won’t be for everyone, and it will be critical for this kind of work to be facilitated by trained professionals.”
Wild.
“What do you think about us visiting him again in the future to help him feel safe and less alone? Of course we’ll move slowly here.”
I don’t know.“Can I think about it?”
“Of course. I want to know what else comes up for you after leaving here. We’ll do a check-in, but if you need additional support before then, you can call me.”
“Thanks.”
“You bet. Well, we started our session by discussing Aiden. Based on the exercise we just did, it is not surprising that feelings of rejection trigger core wounds. He reenters your life, pressing right up against them, triggering very painful feelings of shame, rejection, and unworthiness. What do you think?”
I scrub my hands over my face as the thought settles in. “So, you think it’s really not about Aiden? It’s about my parents?”
“I think it could be both. I don’t deny that he hurt you. He was the first man you fell in love with, and when he turned you down and stepped back from your relationship, it was deeply painful. You found a connection with him, and when you went to explore that connection, you lost it. It may have triggered a core wound that love is not safe. I am also following the thread of rejection and shame that started before him, and yes, with your family.”
