Page 31 of Loving the Legend
“Hmm. Well, okay, let’s put Sid aside for a second. I promise we’ll pick him back up soon. Have you felt anything romantic or sexual before for another man, or rather, how does it feel when you’re with women?”
My shoulders relax as his voice does its calming thing. “It's okay, I guess. I mean, I’ve never gone crazy for it like other dudes.”
“It, meaning, sex with women?” he asks.
“Yeah, and it’s never felt intense enough for me to want to keep seeing them.” Of the handful of women I’ve been with, Bianca, the girl I lost my virginity to, comes to mind. Brilliant, gorgeous, thick in all the right places. I was waiting for the train home one day when she approached me out of nowhere. I pretended it was normal for one of the baddest girls in school to strike up a conversation with me. Being on the basketball team had its perks, but she waswayout of my league. For one, I was a junior, and she was a senior with a college boyfriend, or so I had thought. It turns out she’d broken up with him and was interested in me for a reason I never quite figured out.
Our first conversation was awkward as fuck. I almost pretended I left something at school just to escape it. I couldn't get past the fact she knew I existed. So I stood there like a dud—a monosyllabic dud. I was low-key relieved when the train arrived jam-packed because it meant we had to squeeze into different train cars. After that day, Bianca started appearing at my games, rooting for me louder than anyone except my parents. Then, one day, she said her parents wouldn’t be home until late and invited me to her house. We hung out in her room, listening to music and pretending to do homework. She casually traced linesalong my arm as we talked. I debated leaning in for a kiss when she beat me to it. It wasn’t my first kiss, but it was the best I’d had. Things got hella awkward once clothes started coming off. I think she could tell I was a virgin, but she didn’t make me feel weird about it. She took the lead, and it was over in less than two minutes.
I remember telling my dad about it later that night, after dinner, when he’d stopped by my room to chill. He sat on the floor, legs outstretched, facing my bed, and listened attentively. He asked me how I felt about having sex for the first time. I told him I didn’t know. He said that not knowing was okay because it’s a big step and that it can take time for us to make sense of the big things that happen to us. It wasn’t the first time he and I talked about sex, but it felt different since I was no longer a virgin. He asked me if I wore a condom. I did. Then he asked me if I sat with Bianca afterward and if I asked her if she was okay. I did. We talked a lot that night about the responsibility that comes with having sex, like how it’s important to keep the intimacy shared between two partners private. I remember thinking about how my loose-lipped teammates definitely didn't believe that. I don’t know what I thought about sex before our conversation that night, but after, I felt like it wasn’t something to be careless about. I guess that's why I didn’t hop at every opportunity to hook up in college or even now. He told me Washington men love hard and how he had an entire plan to marry Mom and build a family, but she needed some convincing. She wanted to finish college first. She made it clear she wouldn’t accept his proposal until graduation. Iasked him when he proposed, and we laughed when he told me it was in the parking lot after her graduation ceremony. I told him I wanted to propose to a girl by twenty-five but wait until I was thirty to get married. I asked him if that was too young, and he said “For Washington men, no way.”
“That’s important to make note of. What about with men?” Adam asks, reeling me back in.
“Never…but it felt like a door opened in college. There were a few guys around campus I was kinda into, but it never felt safe to pursue. I didn’t want to jeopardize my shot at making the league, and hooking up with women was just easier.”
“I’m honestly relieved to hear that you dated at all. You never mentioned anyone.”
I shrug. “Not really much to share.”
“So the attraction that you feel for Sid is more intense than you’ve felt for any other man or woman, but you aren’t sure if it’s mutual. I have that right?”
“Yeah, fuck, it feels intense every time I’m around him,” I groan. “It’s indescribable.”
“Do we know if he’s straight or not?”
“He’s only been with women publicly.”
“That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s straight. Has he said or done anything to make you think he could feel the same way as you do?”
“That’s the thing, it’s hard to tell. It’s not like I have a lot of friends to compare his behavior. He flew me out here to spend the holiday with his closest family. Asked his mom to make my favorite pies. I’m staring at a gift he picked up weeks ago for me after our interview in New York. But maybe I’m reading too much into it, and he’s just a generous dude?”
“Possibly. What if he isn’t straight? What would it mean for you?”
A coil of tension twists in my abdomen as the enormity of the question settles in. “God…I don’t know.” I scrub my hands over my face. “Maybe we could hook up casually? Does it need to be more than that?”
“Hmm,” Adam hums quietly.
“What? You think I’m full of shit?”
“Hey, I didn’t say that, but I have another question. How do you feel about possibly being queer?”
I sigh.The million-dollar question. “Real talk...kinda terrified. I only want to be known for being a great basketball player. If it got out that I’m not straight, I’d be reduced to being known as onlythat gay playeron the Knights. Some dudes already talk crazy to get in my head, like that Lucas asshole I told you about. I can only imagine the bullshit I’d have to deal with on the daily.”
“Yeah, it won’t be easy, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile.”
I think about that. More athletes are coming out, though few of them look like me.
“On the flip side, I can’t front, the idea of exploring this…itchthat I have, especially with someone like Sid, feels...” God! How do I explain what I barely understand? “When he’s near, something inside me comes online—parts that I didn’t realize had switched off. Or maybe I did, but I moved on because I didn’t know how to fix it. And there are new parts that I’m discovering.”
“About yourself?”
“Yeah, and it’s both exhilarating and terrifying.” I’ve never experienced this intensity of desire for anyone. But it isn’t just desire, is it? I sense that whatever this is—it’s immense.
“I imagine that if we did this—if he felt the same…” I blow out a breath.
“It would be significant?”
“Yes…for me, at least.”
