Page 121 of Loving the Legend
She nods. “Oh, I knitted you a sweater and socks. I’ll bring them to you when I get back.”
“Thank you. That’s really kind.”
She grins and then returns to her list.
I imagine a young Sid and Paul as I drift off to sleep. Sid’s my first love, but I’m his second. I never want to lose him. I wonder if anyone heals completely after losing a loved one, especially when it’s a sudden and violent death.
The next few days pass almost identically. I decided to ration the sleeping pills that I had left, reserving them for the mornings so that I could sleep through the day. The nightmares tend to stay away when I sleep in the daytime. To the outside, it looks like I’m vacantly staring at the wall, but inside, my thoughts are a haze of choppy memories, fears that my brain won’t ever get back on track, and self-disgust for being so fucking broken.
It’s a little after six o’clock in the evening when I hear Lily’s footsteps approach my room. It’s been five days since she arrived. She lets me sleep so long as I eat two meals a day. I never finish the plates, but she’s satisfied I get down half.
She knocks on the door. “Time for dinner.”
“Okay.” I slowly drag myself to a sitting position.
She hands me a plate of baked chicken, brown rice, and sautéed spinach.
The smell of chicken makes my stomach turn. “It looks great,” I say. I know Lily’s cooking is amazing, and it’s me that’s off.
“Made with extra love.” She pulls up a chair to sit with me.
This is our evening ritual. We eat dinner together in my room. She talks, and I listen.
“Adam thinks you’re experiencing depression. What do you think?”
I freeze mid-chew, avoiding her gaze. I swallow the lump of food. “It’ll pass.”
She studies me. “You know the shitty thing about depression? When you realize you’re in it, you’re already waist deep.”
I nod, wondering if every illness feels this sneaky.
“I don’t know what you’re feeling exactly, but the last few weeks put you through the wringer. What happened to Adam was scary. For him, but for you too. It’s okay for you not to feel okay.”
I stare at my plate. Adam lived…for now, at least. I clench the fork against my palm and remind myself that he can live a long and full life with lifestyle changes and medicine. I don’t know why my brain can’t accept that.
“Adam and Sid mentioned that you’re reluctant to go to therapy.”
I push the food around my plate. “Thinking about it.”
She continues studying me but doesn’t push me like Sid and Adam. “We beat France.”
“Oh,” I clear my throat. “On to the gold medal game.”
Sid will be home in a few days, then. Tension creeps into my stomach. He’s never seen me like this. I have full faith that the US will earn the gold medal. Sid will probably want to celebrate when he gets home. He deserves to be with someone who is carefree and easy. He’s probably loathing coming back to me.
A few days ago, Lily mentioned that the US Men’s Basketball team beat Australia and progressed to face off against France. Lily changed the subject when I asked how many points Sid scored in the match. I looked it up online and almost didn’t believe the poor stats. I watched the highlights to see for myself. He missed wide-open shots that I know he can make in hissleep. He also turned the ball over a reckless amount. It’s shitty knowing his concern over my health interfered with his game. I only ever want to be good for him.
He calls every day. I don’t always catch it if I’m sleeping or too out of it. The calls are short because I don’t have much to say. I ask him about the Olympics, but he always brings the conversation back to me. I hear the concern weighing in his voice and the careful way he speaks, like the wrong word might send me over. I hate it. I’m honestly relieved he’s out of the country. I just need to disappear for a while. I don’t want him or anyone to see me like this.
“Sid said he tried to reach you earlier.”
I sent him to voicemail every time he called today. “I was asleep. I’ll call him later.”
Once I force the food down, she collects our plates and returns with a sci-fi novel. She started reading to me after dinner the day after she arrived. Her voice is comforting, though I don’t have the energy to follow the story. She stretches her legs and rests her socked feet on the edge of my bed as she picks up where she left off. I catch the first few lines of the chapter before my thoughts trail off. My mind travels back to Sid. I wonder if it’ll be tense or awkward between us when he returns home.
Two days later,I’m lying in bed awake when the front door opens. I tap my phone to see the time. It’s a quarter past three in the morning. Lily went to bed hours ago. I hear a chirp, indicating the security system’s been disarmed.
He’s home.
