Page 149 of Loving the Legend
Sid is the first guy I could fathom showing my whole self to. And even when I try to hide certain parts of myself, he won’t let me. I’ve been raised by people who taught me to be true to myself. Dad was tender-hearted, affectionate with his love, and ferocious when it came to protecting his loved ones, similar to Sid. Mom was brilliant, tough as nails, and very loving. Adam is the bravest, toughest, and warmest man that I know.
“I think part of the reason that I’ve been struggling with coming out is that I know that our bond is special. I guess I’m afraid that if I let the ugliness of people’s judgments and wrongthinking in, it’ll somehow ruin it. My instinct is to keep Sid safe and protect us with everything I have.”
“Well, that’s just it—you fight hard to not let it in. You remember who you are. I think that’s a challenge all men face. How to affirm and embrace the things that make us special even if they don’t fit the notion of what it means to be a man. How to break free of the straightjacket and anemic definition of what manhood is. True freedom is being who you are and loving with joy. You gotta know, kid, that I love you as you are. You deserve to be happy. You haven’t been happy in years, and it breaks my heart. You and I both know how short life is.”
I rub the ache behind my sternum. Sid makes me happy…the happiest. It’s just my brain mucks things up.
“You still there?” Adam asks.
“Yeah. Sorry.” My voice comes out hoarse.
“If you dream about expanding your family with Sid and exchanging vows, then do it! You and Sid won’t let the ugliness into your home and your hearts. You’re both too protective of each other. Also, if we give ignorance and ugliness so much power over us that we are afraid to live our lives, then it has won. There will be so much love for you both. Also, you don’t have to make a public statement. You can just choose not to hide and let everyone figure it out on their own. You can include a clause in your contract that when interviewed, no one is to ask about your relationship. Don’t celebrities do that often to separate the personal from the professional?”
“Yeah, and I wouldn’t answer anything I wasn’t comfortable with. Sid wouldn’t either,” I reply.
“The thing is, everything we’re talking about only works if you take care of your mental health first and foremost. I know you don’t want to hear it, but you must go back to therapy, son.”
“I know. Quitting therapy was a mistake,” I admit for the first time out loud. I can’t be a dad, husband, or athlete who’s outin my current state. Sid wasn’t wrong...things have been getting worse for me. I’m slipping deeper and deeper, and it’s taking more energy than ever before to stay afloat.
“You’ll resume sessions then?”
“Yeah. I can’t afford not to.”
“Glad to hear it.”
“How’s Ishan?”
“He’s good. Working tonight. It’s funny, you think being a firefighter your entire life will prepare you for a partner in the same line of work. I worry about him when he’s on the job. I know our unit is tight, and we protect each other, but it ain’t easy.”
“It’s frightening. I’m thankful every day that you’re retired. I know that’s selfish,” I admit.
“I get it. I kind of wish Ishan would retire too. Then I think about all the lives we can save, and I try to pray away my fears instead of pestering him with them. Alright, let me run. I love you, kiddo! Do the inner work to get grounded and clear-hearted, then it’ll become clearer what you need to do.”
“Thanks. I will. I love you too.”
After we hang up, my phone vibrates. I pick it up, and it’s finally a text from Sid.
My love: I’m good, babe. Crazy night. OMW home now.
Me: Travel safely
I’m too wiredto sleep, so I’m wide awake when Sid gets home.
“Hey,” I greet him, scanning his face.
He looks exhausted.
“Hey. Didn’t think you’d still be up.” He leans down and brushes a kiss against my lips.
“Waited up for you. You’re doing okay?”
He taps my legs and I tuck them in. He stretches them across his lap and sinks into the couch, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. I frown, zeroing in on his right hand covered in gauze.
“I missed you,” he murmurs after a few moments of silence.
“I missed you too...I can tell you’re wiped. Let’s get some sleep.” I’m dying to know what happened tonight, but it can wait ’til morning.
He remains still with his eyes closed, leaving me unsure whether he heard me or not.
