Page 148 of Loving the Legend
“Me neither,” me and Tommy say simultaneously.
“God, imagine if Paul saw a message like that from a pro football or basketball player. Who knows what kind of difference it would have made,” Lily says, voice shaky.
“And not just from any player, one of the greatest players in the history of the sport. Unbelievable,” Tommy adds.
“Think of all the closeted pro players too,” I say.
Including myself.
God. Try as I might, I’ll never fully comprehend the depths of Sid’s courage. He’s a natural-born leader.
“Thanks for checking on me. I’m going to try to hit him up again,” I tell everyone, the weight of the last hour bearing heavily on me.
“Okay, love, call me if you need anything,” Lily replies.
“Us too,” Tommy adds.
Instead of calling Sid again, I sit on the couch and think about what this will mean for us. On the one hand, I am so proud of him for speaking up tonight. I know how important this is for him. On the other hand, the next few weeks will be insane for him. No one has ever spoken out like this in the sport. Reporters will poke into his sexuality, dating history, and motives for speaking out. I want to support him, but I meant what I told him about wanting to keep my head down and focused on my game. I know there are things more important than ball, but I made a promise and need to see it through.
My phone vibrates against the table.
“Hey Unc,” I answer.
“Hey, kiddo! I just saw Sid’s interview. How are you?”
I huff out a breath. “I’m proud of him, you know, but also nervous about what this will mean for us.”
“Ah, well, what do you want it to mean?”
“Man, that’s an enormous question.” I pause and think about it. “I don’t really know. I know we can’t stay the way we’ve been. I guess I want it to be good for us overall.”
“Tell me more. What does a good thing look like for you?”
I think about what I ultimately want. The answer comes easier than I imagined.
“Him happy, me happy, us moving forward. I want to be out. Get married one day. God, I’ve dreamed about our kids. It’s crazy how real they seem. I want our friends to accept us. I want a day where we can, like, have a barbecue or something with ourclose friends and family. It’s been lonely being in the closet. I want to keep ballin’ until I’m ready to retire. I don’t want to have to deal with ignorance because of who I am.”
“Let’s unpack that. I can tell you that being out gets easier, but I won’t lie to you and say that for someone in your position, it’ll be a walk in the park. Now, I was never a world-famous basketball player, but being a firefighter and Black and gay was brutal at times. I was in the closet at work for a long time before I finally came out. Fire departments are traditionally all white and hyper-masculine spaces. And there’s still a lot of ignorance when it comes to people’s ideas of what masculinity and manhood are and how that shows up for people who aren’t straight.”
I know that he’s protected me a lot from knowing the full extent of the bigotry that he faced, but I caught whiffs of it when I was growing up. He’d come by after a shift and sit with my dad. He seemed both sad and angry at times. Dad looked like he wanted to burn the world down.
“The thing is, there's no shortage of ignorant and miserable people in the world who will go out of their way to spread their misery and ignorance. You have to fortify yourself every day so that their attempted blows roll off you. Because they will try to come at you. Maybe it’s a slur spewed from a coward with their window rolled down, driving by while you’re on the street, or someone in the stands at a game. I remember the first time someone called me one. It was like the air was sucked out of me. Fast forward to now, those words hold way less power over me. It just tells me the person who spewed it is a miserable piece of shit, and that ain’t my problem. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. At the end of the day, I get to spend my life being me, loving Ishan, and being loved in return. And I see that for you and Sid.”
“How did you strengthen yourself?”
“Fortifying yourself is inner work. You need to be clear about who you are and work to love all of the aspects that make you, you. Then, no one can make you feel bad about yourself. They can try, but you’ll remember who you are and that will give you power. Shame is something I had to unlearn on my journey. You also have to heal and release what isn’t yours to carry. It’s why I am so persistent about you taking care of your mental health.”
I can’t imagine what it must have been like for my uncle to come out all of those years ago. So many people have fought for the right to be who they are. Every generation that fights makes inroads for the next generation, as Sid is trying to do now.
“I know it probably doesn't amount to much, but I’m sorry for all of the hatred that you’ve faced, Unc. You’re my hero. Real talk.”
“That means the world to me.”
“The league has a hyper-masculine culture too. I think if I was, like, a dentist or something, I’d have come out already. I don’t know. It’s like there’s an unspoken code—to be a man, you have to be void of any emotions—”
“Invincible,” Adam interjects.
“Yes, exactly. You can’t admit that you need to be loved. You can’t cry, be sad, lonely, afraid, or tender-hearted. Those are all considered weak emotions, even though I know they aren’t.”
