Page 133 of Loving the Legend
“When a loved one dies,” he explained, “it's normal to experience grief. We tend to see those painful thoughts and feelings improve over time. But for some of us, the feelings can persist and become hard to control, especially if the death of a loved one is sudden and violent or experienced in adolescence, which, in your case, it was. It becomes hard to control emotions and troubling thoughts, sleep can be impacted, and symptoms that resemble depression can occur, disrupting a person’s ability to function.” He explained that the symptoms I’d described point to a disorder where grief is prolonged.
"Disorder?" I winced at the world.
"It simply means something that disturbs the normal functioning of the mind and body," he replied.
I thought about how my sleep is disturbed by nightmares and the word kind of resonated.
He went on to explain that prolonged grief and depression aren’t the same thing, and it can be hard to know what’s wrong despite our lives being impacted. At the end of the session, he gave me a diary to monitor my grief by tracking its highs and lows every day. Specifically, I was instructed to document my experience during those moments for us to review together. I told him it might be hard to find time between traveling to different cities for road games and my practice schedule. He said it’s okay if I miss a day or two, but it would suffice if I could just make a quick note on my phone. It’s apparently important to create a practice of observing and reflecting on my grief.
"When people desperately try to move on, they tend to ignore their grief, but it helps with healing to pay attention to it."
I reluctantly agreed.
We went over what to expect over our next few sessions together. While it isn’t required, he encouraged me to invite a loved one to a session. He said it could be helpful for a loved one to know about my experience and what’s involved in treatment. They could also add their perspective on how grief has impacted me, which could be useful. I immediately thought of Sid. He’d agree to come in a heartbeat.
“Er, is everything shared by that person also protected by confidentiality?” I asked.
He nodded. “Absolutely. Why?”
I wanted to delay revealing Sid’s identity, even though Sid told me he was cool with me disclosing it. His therapist knows about us.
“I mentioned I have a boyfriend…uh…since I’ll most likely invite him to the session, we may need to attend virtually. We aren’t out publicly.”
“Oh, thanks for telling me. That’s fine. It's important we establish a consistent cadence, so I’m happy to be flexible and work with your schedule. We can do a hybrid of in-person and virtual sessions. We can also explore how being in the closet impacts you. I imagine it isn’t easy.”
That made me scoff. “It requires spy-level deception tactics at times. It’s exhausting, but I love him, and I’d do anything to protect what we have.”
That first week, I journaled every day. Just a few sentences. I noticed my grief was lowest when Sid and I made love, or he held me as we both melted into the couch after a stretch of road games. My grief was highest in the middle of the night when a nightmare jolted me awake. Sometimes, it hit when I was at home with Sid, but most of the time, it was in a hotel room while on the road. My grief was most intense during our last therapy session together. I shared this with Jaden in our second session.
“How does that make you feel?” he asked.
I shrugged. “I hate talking about how my parents died.”
“It makes sense that your grief was at its highest level then, doesn’t it? Part of why you feel stuck could be because it’s excruciating to think about it. Remember, losing a close loved one is one of the most difficult things we’ll ever encounter.”
His words pressed up against a festering wound.
“Can you tell me what’s coming up for you?”
Everything. I shrugged again. “I’m sick of feeling this way.”
“It’s really hard stuff. But, I find it hopeful that you journaled and made these observations,” he said, pointing to the diary. “You came back, and that required a lot of courage. It may be during our work together, your grief feels like it’s at peak levels. That’s part of how healing works. To heal, we have to make space for the pain. Can you share where you are experiencing tension in your body right now?”
I released my clenched fists and pointed to my head, throat, chest, and stomach.
“Thanks for showing me. There’s a technique I use to help release tension in my body. If you are open to it, I’d like to show it to you.”
I nod. Anything has to feel better than this.
He walked me through a technique where I tap different acupressure points along my body, starting with the top of my head down to my chest while repeating words of affirmation. I noticed my tension reduced from a nine to a six after. He said it helps the longer that you do it.
“Part of our work together will involve not only revisiting the past and accepting the painful reality of their deaths but reimagining a future where you move forward without your parents in your life. A future in which you can thrive and experience contentment. We’ll take it one step at a time and only do what you're comfortable with. If you say ‘no’ or ‘stop,’ we stop. If I think we’re moving too quickly, I’ll help slow thingsdown to keep you safe.” He asked me how that sounded, and I agreed reluctantly. The reluctance wasn't because Jaden wasn't capable of helping me. It just felt like a lot of work on top of ball. I can't be the best if I don't focus. Therapy, or healing, or whatever, felt self-indulgent.
Sensing my reluctance, he asked me about it. I told him I couldn’t let anything get in the way of ball. I explained the promise I made to my parents. He made a note in his notebook.
“The goal in healing isn’t to take anything away from you except for the beliefs and behaviors that no longer serve you. There’s so much happening underneath the surface that we’ll carefully bring into awareness to explore. Based on what you’ve shared with me, I know basketball is an important part of your life. It’s even helped you through difficult times. We will respect and honor that. Maybe through our work together, you’ll discover an alternative way to think and be in relationship with it. We’re going to move slowly here. And from time to time, I’ll encourage you to think about all you’ll gain from this journey, however hard it may be at times.”
His clear and careful way of speaking lowered my defenses. I agreed to see it through as long as my game didn’t suffer. But suffer it did. The more I focused on my grief, observing it, and writing about it, the harder it became to contain its impact on me. I’d wake up depressed and out of sorts. And no matter how much Sid tried to convince me it was normal, I couldn’t handle it. I found myself spacing out at practice. I saw a father and son at a game one night, and it reminded me of when Dad and I used to watch the Choppers play. I was hit with an ache so intense that I almost lost it on the court. Back in the locker room at halftime, I emailed Jaden to tell him I needed to pause. Maybe someday, years from now, I’d have the time and space to do the work, but I can’t right now.
