Page 86 of Silas's Sweetheart

“What question?” Silas asked when he couldn’t recall what he’d not answered.

“About tattoos. Would you ever get one?”

Silas considered it as he plucked up a cob of sweetcorn slick with butter. “I’ve never been tempted.” He glanced sideways at Ziggy. “Who designs your tattoos?”

He wasn’t going to admit that Popi had told him about his designs because he didn’t want to slip up and let Ziggy know his plans.

“I do.”

Silas aimed an interested smile at Ziggy, settling in to learn about him. “How fucking cool.” It was. Silas meant it. “What was the first design you knew you wanted on your skin? And did you always know you’d want to design tattoos?”

Ziggy shifted on his seat so he was facing more towards him, holding another chicken wing. He eyed his arms, then lifted the right one, turning it to reveal his inner forearm. There was only one tattoo there, and it now struck Silas as odd when he considered how many he had on the other arm. “This one. It’s my snake wrapped around a lotus flower.”

“What does the lotus flower represent?” Silas asked around a mouthful of sweetcorn, a sense of unease lifting the hair on his neck.

“The lotus flower means freedom,” he replied quietly, focusing on his chicken wing like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

Recalling something that nagged at him before, Silas placed down his half-eaten corn on the cob and grabbed a serviette to wipe his fingers and lips. He picked up his beer, which he’d not yet touched, and took a sip to wet his lips, watching Ziggy closely.

“Why freedom?” he asked tentatively, sensing the reply would shift things between them again.

The silence lengthened and Silas considered maybe Ziggy wasn’t going to answer, but he finally glanced at Silas. Misery had replaced the amusement and wasn’t something he was used to witnessing from Ziggy. He reached out and placed a hand over Ziggy’s, uncaring of the grease.

“Why did you need to remind yourself you're free?”

Ziggy heaved a sigh. “It’s not really about freedom in the sense of being free of someone or something, more about having the freedom to choose what I want out of life.”

What he said made the food Silas had enjoyed take an unpleasant spin in his guts. “Why was that important?”

Ziggy dropped his gaze to the half-eaten wing and Silas’s hand. “My parents… they never wanted me.” His shoulders jerked as he shrugged. “I was an inconvenience to their lives, so I got passed around like an unwanted toy to family members who didn’t want me either. They had to hire a nanny because I was still too young to be left alone. They severed all ties when I was a teenager.”

It was too much. Silas couldn’t image how that must have felt, but it must have been fucking awful. He let go of the hand he’d held, which had started to tremble, to get off his seat. Ziggy made a squeaky noise as Silas scooped him off his seat and carried him through to the living room. The fact Ziggy held a chicken wing and wore a shocked, wide-eyed look didn’t stop him.

He sat and hugged him close. Ziggy stiffened for a moment, then let out a strangled sob that made Silas’s temples pound at how heartbreaking the noise was. When Ziggy buried his face in Silas’s shirt and wept, he wrapped his arms tightly around him.

While uncertain what to say to make it better, Ziggy’s earlier words ran through his mind.I just want you to love me.Hereconsidered the context of them now.Had anyone ever shown him love? Affection? If Silas didn’t already feel bad for the way things started for him and Ziggy, he felt like utter crap now.

Popi had said something that stuck with him.You can’t change the past, only move on and change your actions in the present.He clung to that when all he could think about was all the positive things Ziggy did for others, expecting nothing in return. Despite his upbringing, Ziggy had forged his own path and was a wonderful, caring person.

“I’ve smeared grease on your shirt,” he mumbled, sniffing when he went to shift away, using his empty hand to scrub at his face.

Silas plucked the chicken wing from Ziggy’s fingers and threw it on the glass-topped table in front of the couch. It rattled and bounced off onto the floor. Silas didn’t pay it any mind, already rubbing Ziggy’s greasy fingers against his shirt. “It’ll wash.”

Ziggy looked up from under wet eyelashes, his uncertainty crippling to Silas. The shuddery breath he released before he pressed back in close to Silas caused a surge of love that left him with a catch in his throat.

“Sorry ‘bout that.”

Silas kissed the top of Ziggy’s head, wanting to display the love inside him. “Never be sorry about sharing your feelings. You never blamed me when I lost it, did you? Your feelings are as valid as mine.”

“I… yes… you’re right. I’m just not used to anyone seeing them as valid.”

Silas tipped Ziggy’s head back with a finger under his chin. His nose was bright pink, his eyes rimmed red, yet he was precious to Silas in every way.

“Your feelings are valid to me. It might not have seemed like it when I was being a dick. Just know they always were, and I’ll make sure, from here onwards, that you know it. Do you want totalk some more?” He didn’t want to push, just for Ziggy to know he was interested in everything about him.

They sat quietly and Silas soaked up the closeness, needing it as much as Ziggy while he waited for him to decide what he wanted to do. Eventually, he shook his head and peeked up at him. “There isn’t much else to say. They aren’t part of my life, haven’t been for more than a decade. They aren’t interested in me, and I’ve come to terms with that. For some reason, it caught me off guard tonight after…”

“After you asked me to love you.” Silas held Ziggy’s stare. “I do, love you.”

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