Page 136 of Covenant

I blink at him, my eyes swimming with unshed tears.

I know he’s mad now, but Jackson will get over it. We’ll make our own way. I’ll try and heal. We’ll be okay.

I’ll make sure of it.

* * *

We find a fully furnished apartment on the other side of town far too easily. Rent is month-to-month and it’s in a safe area. Part of me wants to call Matthias and ask him if he had a hand in this, but I don’t. I can’t. I can’t hear his voice without breaking down. I vacillate between wanting to scream at him and wanting to hold him. I want to accuse him of manipulating me and I want to fall to my knees and beg him to give us another chance.

Most of all, I’m fucking furious he made me addicted to him. Made me need him.

Only to shove me out the door once again.

Truly, I hate that I don’t hate him. Not even a little bit. It’s like the night I burned his clothes, knowing I’d forgive him for anything because I love him.

That’s what I hate. Because I know if Matt calls, I’ll go running. And I can’t. I can’t be in a relationship built on secrets and lies.

Not even for him.

Even if not being with him eventually kills me.

So, I just move forward, trudging through the darkness, trying my best to keep my head above water.

But it’s hard to tread water when I’m drowning.

It doesn’t help that Jackson is upset with me as well. I thought he’d be over it by now, but I can tell he’s pissed.

I’m revising my CV, trying to look for a job, while Jackson’s nurse, Koa, walks Jackson through some physical therapy exercises. I don’t know how much longer Jackson will need a nurse, but for now, I want to make sure he’s well. That he doesn’t grow sick like he did before. And I like Koa, he’s good with Jackson, and he takes no shit from me or him.

There’s enough money in my account to last me a long time without needing to work, but I don’t want to touch it if I can help it. I’ll use it for Jackson’s care and a roof over our heads for now, but I can’t bring myself to use it for much else.

It was different when The Firm was some faceless entity. But they aren’t now. They’re Wylder, Samson, Cade, Dalton, and Harley.

And Matthias.

Let’s be real. It’s Matthias. All of this was his doing. I doubt the others had any involvement in it. That knowledge makes it both better and worse. Worse, because I can’t shift the blame onto the rest of them.

But better because I suspect Matthias was doing it to protect me. Because he wouldn’t want any of his siblings involved at all.

He wanted it to be all him. I don’t need him to confirm that. I know it as well as I know the color of his eyes and the exact pitch of his voice.

Matthias orchestrated everything.

I just wish he’d told me about it. I wish everything we’d built hadn’t been destined to fall.

What had he planned to do when the contract was up? Was he just going to let me walk away? Or was he hoping I’d never learn the truth and stay with him?

I’m not sure which theory I hate more.

Fuck, I wish I could stop thinking about him, just for a second, long enough to draw in a deep breath, to feel the oxygen finally reach the bottom of my lungs.

But I can’t.

This is the other reason why I’m updating my CV. Maybe if I have something else to occupy my mind, then Matthias won’t take up as much space.

I haven’t sent any CVs out yet. I can’t bring myself to do it. Somehow, I know Matthias will have his hand in whatever job I get. I suspect he’s already put out feelers at every law firm in St. Dismas, guaranteeing I get a position the second I apply.

The Firm controls St. Dismas, after all.

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