Page 119 of Covenant

“Because he hurt me once,” I confide quietly. “I can’t let him back in like that, not fully. It…fuck, it broke me the first time. If he did it again, it’d ruin me completely.”

Jackson mulls that over for a minute and then asks, “All right, that makes sense, but what if he doesn’t?”

I sigh, rolling my head to the side to look at my younger brother. When he falls in love, I pray he has an easier time of it than me. “It’s not as simple as that. Matthias is a man with secrets. How can I be with him when I don’t know a significant part of him?”

“Can I be honest? It feels like you’re overthinking all of it. If you like each other, just give it a go. Unless…” His lips pinch as he thinks about something. “Actually, before I tell you to go for it, tell me what happened when he hurt you.”

“Why?”

He shrugs. “So I can decide if I want to root for him or not.”

I drum my fingers on my leg as I consider it. I’ve never told anyone. Not my mom. Not Jen. Certainly not the fucking cops.

Maybe telling Jackson will help leech some of the poison out.

“Matt and I were friends a long time ago,” I begin quietly. “We met when we were eleven.”

Jackson’s mouth falls open. “Oh shit. I had no idea.”

“Yeah, I don’t tell many people. It was…it feels like a lifetime ago.”

“Yeah, all right. Go on. Tell me everything.”

So I do. Over the next hour, I tell my brother countless stories from my formative years. The summers spent outdoors with Matthias. The winters on the phone with him. How Matthias was my best friend. My confidant. The one person I trusted above any other.

My soul. My light.

“Fuck. Me. I had no idea,” Jackson murmurs. “You never mentioned him. Like ever.”

I give him a tight smile. “I know, but you were young. We were friends before you were born. Only four when it all went to shit. There was no reason for me to bring it up.”

Jackson’s silent for a beat. “What happened? It must’ve been pretty catastrophic given how close you were.”

Leaning forward, I pick up my beer again. It’s warm now but I glug it down anyway. I need the liquid courage as well as a few more seconds to collect myself.

When the bottle is empty, I say, “When we were in high school, I wanted to go into law. I worked my ass off in school to get a scholarship. Graduated top of my class. Got accepted into Yale and everything.”

I stare off into the distance, picturing myself as I’d been then. Filled with naive, youthful optimism. “I just had to get through the summer and all my dreams would come true. Matt got into Yale as well. I was looking forward to being able to see him every day, not just during the summer. He was excited too, or so I thought. We talked about it constantly. Our plans, what we were going to do together.”

Live together, wake up in the same space, spend nights watching movies. It was a dream. A fucking dream that turned into a nightmare.

I close my eyes as the memories ofthat nightwash over me.

My phone vibrating with a message.

Panic and confusion rushing through me.

Running through the woods.

“One night that summer, he messaged me,” I explain. “He was frantic. Said he was in trouble with some fucker at his school. A dealer. That he was being bullied and was made to carry out some sort of job.”

“That sounds shady as fuck.”

I grunt in agreement. “Yeah. I was fucking terrified. He kept messaging me, each text getting more desperate. He was supposed to collect some package and deliver it to the guy, but his dad had come home early. Was refusing to let him leave the house.”

“Shit. You offered to do it for him, didn’t you?”

“Of course I fucking did,” I reply. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done for him.”

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