Page 114 of Covenant

I stare at it, wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into. Just who is Matthias? What exactly are the Buckinghams wrapped up in? Are they assassins or some shit? My mind whirls and then in a moment of pure insanity, I wonder if he works for The Firm.

No. That’s crazy and it can’t be true. Matthias is in debt to them just as much as I am. He told me. It’s a fact. He couldn’t work for them and be indebted to them—that’s not a thing. Right?

The gun safe snaps shut, and I swallow sharply, my hand shaking as I reach up to touch him. “Hey, please talk to me. You’re scaring me.”

He shrugs me off. He can’t even look at me, so he misses the devastation I know is written on my face. “I’ll be late. Don’t wait up.”

His cool lips brush my cheek. Shock at what I just witnessed stops me from following him. Stops me from calling after him. Stops me from running down the stairs and lying in front of his car so he can’t go do whatever he’s about to.

What the fuck is he involved in? Why did he never tell me? What is this fucking secret he’s been keeping from me?

I don’t know, don’t understand it. All I can do is just stand there, surrounded by the shattered remnants of the bubble we’ve been living in, trying like hell to make sense of it.

The illusion we’ve been hiding in was nice while it lasted, but it’s time to wake up.

It’s time to face what I’ve been avoiding all along.

It’s time to figure this shit out.

* * *

Matt is gone for four hours and twenty-seven minutes.

I mark them all out on the floor in the hall, pacing away the seconds, phone in one hand, sanity in the other.

I fucking hate that he’s left me here. He took a gun for fuck’s sake. The situation, whatever it was, was obviously dangerous.

And I can’t even go after him. I have no idea where he’s gone. I curse myself for freezing earlier. For not chasing after him.

He’s out there now, in danger. And I’m here like the proverbial fucking mob wife, anxiously awaiting his return.

Jules tries to speak to me once, offering to bring me some cocoa. I’m curt with him, too curt when he doesn’t offer me any explanations as to why my husband is out at night with weapons.

He leaves me alone after that.

When headlights finally shine through the front door, I almost collapse with relief. I’m out of the door and running toward the car before Matthias even turns the engine off. I don’t wait for him to get out before wrenching the door open. “Where the fuck have you been…?”

My voice trails off. When I find it again, there’s a tremble that wasn’t there before. I grow faint, my pulse thundering in my ears. “Please tell me that’s not your blood.”

Matthias doesn’t acknowledge me. I’m not sure he knows I’m here. He’s staring ahead woodenly. His hands are clean, knuckles white around the steering wheel.

That’s the only part of him that is. He must’ve worn gloves.

I step back, letting the familiar numbness take over. “Get out of the car.”

My command seems to unlock something in him. His movements are jerky as he gets out of the car and marches toward the house. I see the butt of his gun peeking out from under his waistband and my stomach flips.

I follow him inside, wondering what the fuck I should do now. As a lawyer, I know what the answer is supposed to be. I should call the police. Preserve the crime scene so a prosecution can be brought.

But this is Matthias. My Matt.

I’m not letting anything or anyone hurt him. I don’t even give a fuck if he’s the one in the wrong.

During law school, I was fascinated by the wives of criminals. How did they live with the knowledge of what their husbands did? Did they feel guilt? Shame? Fear?

Suddenly, I understand what I’ve been missing. Turns out, if you love the person, you’ll turn a blind eye to pretty much anything.

I freeze, one foot in mid-air as I process that thought.

---