Page 60 of Love Letters to Christmas

Brian scoffs. “Don’t talk to me like that man doesn’tpurelysmoke things over apple and cherry wood chips. He demands a high flavor profile for his queen.”

How in the world does Frank accept being pampered like that without constant guilt that she’s imposing herself on her loved ones and becoming a burden that will inevitably be tossed aside? Brian made one meal for me yesterday, and I’m still worried that he’s going to realize how useless I am if he can dowhat I can better.

Peaceful, Frank smiles. “Fair enough.” Rising with her ice cream, she yawns. “I guess I’ll get back to it, then. But only because nice list people might get wood chips instead of coal.”

“That’s the spirit.” Brian grins.

Is thatreallythe spirit?

Wait. No.

Stop it, Amelia.

We’re beingpositive, remember? We’re taking up space and not crumbling under the awareness of it. We are seeking and accepting help in order that we might grow and thrive. Like sourdough. Because it has the shortest prep-time, and I’m ready to be healed. Obviously.

“How…” I begin.

Brian’s attention shoots to me, hitting me hard between the brows, and I choke on my words. “How?” he prompts.

Chest tight, I focus my energy on scribbling my name onto my slip of masking tape. “How is Frank so confident?”

“Because she’s Frank.”

What…does that mean?

The cluelessness must reflect on my face, because Brian clarifies, “She’s not always confident. Sometimes, when her graphics or art don’t turn out exactly the way she wants them to, she isn’t very confident. I’m not sure anyone can be confident all the time, but everyone does seem to have a few things they’re confident in. For Frank, it’s that her husband loves her.”

Imagine being confident insomeone else. “I don’t… How do you get that?”

“Get…that?”

“Confidence in another person like that.”

“In Frank’s case, I’m pretty sure Norman brought her food every day for months, wrote her love songs, and just loudly and obviously built his life around her for a long and consistentperiod of time. It takes time for confidence and faith in someone to blossom.” Brian rises with his ice cream tub. “Norman made her a priority and showed her. That’s all.”

Once again, I’m hearing that all good things in life take stupid amounts of time. Discouraged, I rise with my ice cream tub, too.

“It’s the same with you,” Brian says as we’re heading to the elevator to put our mixtures in the mailroom’s breakroom freezer.

I find his eyes. “What’s the same with me?”

“I’m confident that you’ll do a good job. I’m confident that if I need help with something, you’ll be there to offer it. I’m confident that you’re a good friend and a kind person.”

I’m not sure a good friend or a kind person would need to physically guard against wincing when told they’re a good friend and a kind person by the guy they’d like to be more than friends with.

“Even if it doesn’t seem like it, your actions prove it.” He presses the call button on the elevator.

“I’m always relying on other people. It feels like I’ve spent most of my life trying to repay a debt I never knew I signed up for.”

“That’s what happens when you’re raised by parents who make a point of forming transactional relationships. It’s hard to understand that sometimes people just do things and don’t expect anything in return if you’ve only experienced self-serving behavior. All you’ve seen is that the moment someone becomes unable to perform their part, they’re cast aside.” He flicks a finger between us as we load onto the elevator. “There’s no transaction here. And, actually—” He settles against the wall, tucking his free hand in his pocket. “—I’d like you to test it from now until the masquerade ball.”

“Test what?”

“What happens if you stop cleaning up afterbothof us, stop making my breakfasts and dinners, stop trying to make sure you have worth, and start learning that your worth is innate and not based on anything you do. Allow me, for these next two weeks, to take care of you.”

My heartthuds. And I accidentally say what I’m thinking, “I would rather die than experience last night’s stress for two weeks.”

“I’ll have to do better to not stress you, then.”

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