Page 54 of Devil in Disguise

“Are either of you familiar with bipolar disorder?” Dr. Walker’s question hung in the air, heavy with implication.

Danny’s retort was sharp. “I’m not crazy.”

Dr. Walker responded with unwavering assurance. “No, you are not. Bipolar disorder is a complex mental health condition marked by drastic mood swings—intense highs, termed mania or hypomania and debilitating lows, characterized by depression. During a depressive phase, a person will experience profound sadness, hopelessness, and a loss of interest in life’s pleasures. Conversely, manic or hypomanic states are defined by euphoric elation, boundless energy, or extreme irritability. These fluctuations significantly affect sleep, energy levels, behavior, judgment, and cognitive function. Does any of what I said seem familiar to either of you?”

A profound realization washed over me. Her description mirrored Danny’s reality. She had captured the essence of his existence—the unpredictable oscillations between ecstatic joy and crippling despair, a pattern I’d witnessed since our first encounter.

“These mood swings, from depression’s depths to mania’s heights, can occur sporadically or repeatedly throughout the year. Each episode typically lasts several days. Some individuals experience extended periods of equilibrium between these episodes. Others, however, navigate a relentless cycle of mood extremes, sometimes experiencing both depression and mania simultaneously.”

“You keep mentioning mania,” I interjected, needing clarification.

“Mania represents the severe end of the bipolar spectrum, causing significant disruption in professional, academic, and social spheres as well as hindering interpersonal relationships,” Dr. Walker explained. “It can even trigger a disconnection from reality, a condition clinicians refer to as psychosis. In such cases, hospitalization may be necessary.”

“So, you suspect Danny has mania?” I asked, apprehension tightening my chest.

“I’m not ready to diagnose Danny yet,” Dr. Walker responded calmly. “Today, I am here to get to know each of you and learn what I can, so I can plan the best treatment plan.If and it’s a significantif, I determine Danny exhibits manic bipolar disorder, I’ll seek a second opinion and collaborate with a colleague to devise the optimal course of action.”

“What’s the next step?” I asked, the weight of uncertainty pressing down.

Dr. Walker offered a reassuring smile. “We talk.”

The room fell silent as we absorbed the implications of Dr. Walker’s words. I felt a surge of protectiveness toward Danny as my mind raced with more questions and concerns.

“How did I not see this before?” I wondered aloud, my voice laced with a mixture of wonder and worry. “It’s like I was blind to the obvious.”

Danny remained silent, his gaze still averted, as if he were processing this new revelation through which his life was being viewed.

Dr. Walker’s expression was compassionate as she addressed us both. “It’s not uncommon for bipolar disorder to go unrecognized, especially in high-functioning individuals like Danny. The very nature of the condition can make it difficult to identify, with periods of normalcy and high productivity interspersed between the mood extremes.”

Her words made a strange kind of sense, fitting the puzzle pieces of Danny’s life together in a way that reflected his reality. I thought back to the times when Danny’s energy and enthusiasm seemed boundless, fueling his creative endeavors and social engagements. Then, without warning, he would retreat into himself, becoming despondent and reclusive. It was as if we were dealing with two different people and yet it was always undeniably him.

“The first step is understanding,” Dr. Walker continued, her tone gentle but firm. “With proper management and treatment, individuals with bipolar disorder can lead fulfilling and stable lives. It’s a matter of recognizing the triggers, managing the symptoms, and developing strategies to navigate the highs and lows effectively.”

As she spoke, I felt a glimmer of hope amidst the uncertainty. This explanation provided a framework for understanding Danny’s behavior and offered the promise of a path forward.

My back stiffened. I didn’t want to talk about that.

I wasn’t ready.

I didn’t know if I would ever be ready to talk about that shit.

“I know,” I replied softly, my eyes never leaving the sizzling pan. “And I’m still here.”

A heavy silence filled the room as I stirred the bubbling sauce, the aroma of garlic and basil wafting through the air. I could feel Danny’s eyes on me, his hurt and confusion hanging between us. “I’m not going anywhere,” I added, my voice steady, hoping to reassure him. “I love you, and we’re in this together.”

I heard the soft pad of his footsteps as he approached, and then he was standing behind me, his presence comforting despite the tension in the room.

“I know you love me,” he seethed, his voice a harsh whisper against my ear. “I want to know why?”

I turned off the stove and faced him. Taking a steadying breath, I met his gaze directly. “I love you because you’re passionate and intense. Your creativity inspires me, and your enthusiasm is infectious. But I also love you because you’re sensitive and compassionate. You feel things deeply and that includes your pain. I’m here because I want to help you manage that pain and find a balance where you can embrace all the wonderful parts of yourself without being overwhelmed by the lows.” I paused, searching his eyes for any sign of understanding.

Danny’s expression was unreadable as a mix of emotions played across his features.

Finally, he spoke, his voice hoarse. “I don’t want you here.”

“Too bad,” I replied, standing my ground.He was spoiling for a fightandI refused to engage.“I’m not leaving you.”

“You don’t know everything I’ve done.”

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