Page 74 of Broken Vows

We lay still for several long minutes, my decision making a mess of my stomach. It twists and turns as often as Mikhail does as he endeavors to get comfortable.

His breathing, slow and steady, makes the quiet even more unbearable. The room feels colder than usual, or maybe it’s just me. Building the courage to face your fears head-on is as chilling as it gets. It makes sense as to why Mikhail never finalized the last dozen miles to Lidny.

As time slowly ticks by, I stare at the ceiling, blinking back tears. The room is dark and silent, incomparable to the cluster of confusion in my head.

Scenarios race through my mind, each one more troubling than the last. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m in over my head, that I don’t have what it takes to help Mikhail move past his hurt anymore.

It used to be so easy to talk to him. There was a time when there was nothing I couldn’t share. We would sit for hours, talking about everything and nothing, our conversations effortless. But now, it feels wrong. The words get stuck in my throat, and I can’t bring myself to say anything, not even an apology.

Even though I can’t see Mikhail’s eyes, I know the pain they hold and the hurt I caused them. But his suffering isn’t solely my fault. Andrik played a part in this too. I’m just the only one capable of picking up the pieces.

Or so I thought.

The guilt is overwhelming, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.

Several long blinks later, I roll onto my side, trying to find a comfortable position, like the pain in my chest will eventually leave me alone.

What if Mikhail never forgives me? What if he finds out the truth and hates me even more? The fear is paralyzing, and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

The anger and betrayal in Mikhail’s eyes when he wished to erase our relationship make me choke on a sob. I thought I was doing the right thing by protecting him from the truth, but all I’ve done is push him further away.

I don’t know how to fix this, how to make things right. It feels like I’m carrying the world on my shoulders, and the heaviness of the load is crushing.

I want to tell Mikhail the truth, to unburden myself of Andrik’s secret, but the fear of his reaction holds me back, not tomention the worry that he will lose more than just me when he retaliates.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to calm my racing thoughts. It does me no good. The guilt and fear are too strong. I can’t keep this up for much longer. How can I pretend everything is okay when it isn’t close to that? My world is falling apart before my very eyes.

Guilt gnaws at me for the next several minutes, the wish to confess almost overwhelming.

I’m about to break my suggestion in a shamefully quick time frame, when, unexpectedly, Mikhail tosses me a life vest.

With one arm between my legs and the other curled around my waist, he cranes me to his half of the bed. The tears I’ve held back for hours soak his shirt when he pulls me in close to his chest. He holds me like my sobs are as hard for him to hear as they were for me to hold back. Tears stream from my eyes as pleas for forgiveness fall from my mouth.

I don’t confess, though. His comfort is a coping mechanism I didn’t expect, and it kills my confession at my lips.

Even with the alcohol seeping from his pores strong enough to make me tipsy, I can’t bring myself to shatter this fragile moment of peace.

Mikhail needs this as much as I do.

As Mikhail rubs my arm in a soothing manner, my mind races with the possibilities of what his comfort could mean. Maybe I can find a way to talk to him, to explain what happened in a way that won’t fracture his relationship with Andrik and Zoya?

I push the thought aside and focus on the present when the thud of his heart lulls me toward sleep.One step at a time, I tell myself. I can’t fix everything overnight, but I can start by making sure Mikhail knows how much I appreciate his comfort.

I owe him far more than that, but for now, it is all I can give.

The next morning, Mikhail is gone. The bed is cold, and its emptiness is a stark reminder of the gap I still have to bridge between us.

I sit up, my heart heavy with the secrets I still carry. Inevitably, Mikhail will learn the truth. I can only hope that when the time comes, he understands this was never about hurting him. I want to guard the minimal good memories he has of his childhood and ensure they’re not tainted by the ill judgment of an adult.

After getting out of bed, I walk to the window and look out at the world beyond. The sun is shining brightly, casting a gold glow over everything. I had hoped this morning would be the start of our new beginning, but all I feel are the chains of our past shackling our progress.

I can’t live like this forever. Hiding the truth and pretending everything is fine haven’t gotten me anywhere fast over the past ten years. I need to make things right, to mend the damage years of silence caused. But how? How do I undo the damage that’s been done?

As I turn away from the window, my resolve strengthens. The crumpled bedding is only on one side of the mattress, from the side Mikhail pulled me to.

That means Mikhail never returned me to my side of the bed.

I slept in his arms all night.

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