Page 85 of Mayhem

“I’m not doing it for you. It was bothering me.” I sit back on my heels, giving my back a break.

“I see. This is what you do with a day off of school?” he asks, leaning against the doorframe.

“I was bored to tears. I had to do something.”

He smiles. “You could’ve watched a movie.”

“I don’t get the fascination with television. I don’t know how Nate wastes so much time watching it.”

“That I would have to agree on.”

I stand up, washing my hands in the sink. “Can we talk? I want to show you something.”

“Sure.”

Once I wipe my hands dry, I make my way to the bedroom. I grab my case before sitting on the bed. When Chase doesn’t sit right away, I pat the bed next to me.

“I want to explain it to you, if you still want to know.”

He sits next to me, staring straight ahead. “I want to know.”

“Good. I want you to know. I don’t expect you to understand any of this, but it might help you understand a little bit more.”

“Okay. I’ll try my best to understand.”

I clear my throat before opening the case. “This is my case. It’s where I keep my razor blade and alcohol pads. Even though I know how incredibly dangerous this can be.” I take a deep breath, trying to keep my voice steady. “I try to be as safe as possible. I always clean my razor blade and wound when I’m done.” I zip it back closed. “I didn’t just decide to hurt myself one day. It started off as pinching. Anytime one of my mom’s customers would get a little too close or she would hit me in a drug-induced haze, I would get so angry. Sometimes I would be scared. Every time it felt like this enormous pressure was sitting on my chest.” I rub my fist over my chest. “I realize now it was probably some form of anxiety. Instead of acting out, I would pinch my leg. The sting of the pain gave me something to concentrate on. Something better than what was going on in my life.”

I lick my lips, giving myself a minute.

“I think that was the first time I realized I had something I could control. I couldn’t control Celeste or her johns, but I could take this pain and control it. It made the pressure go away. Gave me a little bit of independence that I never had before. Then the pinching stopped working. I started digging my nails in instead. That’s when I first saw the blood. Watching it pebble up offered me a new sense of calm.” I take a deep breath and watch Chase tense out of the corner of my eye. “I made the first cut when I was eleven. It was a rusty razor Celeste kept in the bathroom. I was scared to death to do it, but felt compelled to do it, anyway. When I did, I realized what I did. I didn’t do it for months after that because I felt so ashamed. How could I do that to myself? Then Celeste tried to offer me up to one of her johns. He wasn’t having it with her, but I caught his eye.”

I watch as Chase’s fists clench.

“Nothing happened. I ran. That was before we moved here. There was a park by our old trailer. I ran all the way there and hid out all night. That was the first time I realized I wasn’t safe in my own home. It was also the next time I cut. After staying the night in the park with that weight on my chest, I knew something had to give,” I tell him, hoping he understands. “I went to the school nurse the next day and asked about shaving. I told her I was embarrassed to ask my mom, but we both knew Celeste wasn’t really a mom. The nurse gave me a razor and showed me how to use it. After school, I found a place to do it and I made the cut. The pressure went away immediately. From then on, it was the only release I had. I tried not to do it too much, but anytime it became too much, I would reach for my case.”

I turn and face him, tears in my eyes.

“I never wanted to kill myself, Chase. I need you to know that,” I whisper.

He stays silent for several minutes digesting it all and I let him. I watch his jaw clench as he cracks his knuckles. When he turns to me, he takes my hand in his and squeezes it tight.

“I want you to know I heard you. I heard what you said. My words mean nothing right now, and I get that. I’m not going to make you promises. I’m going to take action.” I hand him my case.

He takes it. “What do you want me to do with this?”

I give him a watery smile. “Get rid of it. I don’t need it anymore.”

“You don’t?” he asks gruffly.

I shake my head, voice trembling. “I think one of the reasons I did it was because I didn’t have any other options. Now I do. I have you. I have Nate and Hailee. I’m not saying it will be easy. That impulse will always be there.” I shrug. “It’s an addiction of sorts. When that weight settles in, my first instinct will always be to reach for my case, but with help, I can overcome it.”

“You can’t do this alone. I won’t lie. I stayed up most of the night researching this stuff. I think you need to talk to someone.”

I swallow hard. “I’m not ready for that yet, but I will be. With your help, I can get there.”

He reaches up, cupping my face. “Okay. You have me. I’m here.”

I lean into his hand. “I know. Thank you for being here. For not abandoning me.”

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