Page 84 of One of Them Girls

“I do too, but that’s our burden to carry. He’s living his best life with the Lord now. Watching over us as the guardian angel he was always meant to be. While we miss him, we also have to be grateful that his pain and suffering is over. He’s in a better place and we will see him again.”

“I hope you’re right, Mama, because I could really use my best friend right now. I hope he’s sitting right here next to us, helping me through this.”

“Always. He’s always with us. I can feel it in my bones.” She wraps her arm around me, pulling me to her side.

I rest my head on her shoulder, closing my eyes to feel him too.

“Tell me what happened,” she whispers.

“We were doomed from the start. Between the two of us, we have baggage that can fill a jet airliner and then some. I thought we were getting past it, but it keeps rearing its ugly head. I don’t think there’s any moving past it for us.”

“Everyone has baggage. There will always be a past there that you can’t change. It’s not about your past, but how you move on from it. Do you process it and move on or are you stuck living with your demons? I won’t lie, baby girl. I was worried about you for a long time. You spent a long time living with your demons, growing comfortable with them. I wasn’t sure if you were ever going to move on from Ryan’s death, but I’ve seen a change in you. Xavier brought you out of that darkness. I know it hurts right now. I’m not saying that you won’t scar, but for that alone, I will always be grateful to him. He gave me my Cassi back.”

I’m full-on sobbing again, hearing the pain in her voice as she talks about how I was.

“I had no idea you felt that way,” I choke out.

“Of course you didn’t. It’s not like I could tell you. You were so lost in the grief that anything I might have said would have pushed you further away. You were unreachable. All I could do was pray for a miracle. Pray to God that I didn’t lose both of my children at once.”

Her own voice cracks before we are both hugging and sobbing into each other.

Once we both calm down, I confide in her, “I didn’t want to burden you. I felt like I was drowning while watching you and Dad drown too. I couldn’t bear losing either of you, so I turned to Jared. He was Ryan’s best friend. We leaned on each other for comfort, but I think we started a cycle that was unhealthy. It wasn’t until I met Xavier that I really saw it. I would have kept falling into it had he not helped me find a new way. I feel guilty though. Jared is still stuck in it and now he’s all alone. I’ve abandoned him. I feel ashamed that I was laughing and having a good time when Ryan can’t be here. When Jared is still grieving.”

“I know it’s hard to move on. Those feelings are all completely normal, but you have to remember that you are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. You can only control your own destiny. Jared being stuck in his grief is not your responsibility. He can’t use you as a crutch to continue to live in it. He needs to find a way out, whether it be from professional help, his faith, or his family. It’s not fair of him to latch on to you when you are finally getting your head above water.”

I know she’s right, but it’s hard. It’s hard to see the sadness on his face every time I pass him at school. Or see him get shitfaced at a party to cope with his feelings.

“You’re right. I know you are,” I whisper.

“Darn straight, I’m right. As for me and your dad, I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t come to us. We will always be here for you. We were grieving too, but that’s no excuse. We should’ve tried harder to make you feel like we were there for you. For that, I’m eternally sorry.”

“Hey, if I need to cut myself some slack then you do too.”

She chuckles. “Fair point.”

We sit in for a while, watching as the sun sets. It’s nice to be here with her, just enjoying the silence.

We both turn as we hear Dad’s truck coming up the driveway.

“I guess I should get up and make supper.” Mama smiles at me.

“I’ll help,” I say, standing before helping her up. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

Heading inside, I hurry into the bathroom, smiling as I hear Dad greet Mama.

“Hello, beautiful. How is it that every time I see you it’s like you get even prettier?”

I hear Mama laugh as I close myself in the bathroom.

I want a love like theirs. Forty-five years of marriage and they still love each other.

I clean my face before staring at myself in the mirror. I look better, but I can see still the emptiness in my eyes. For once, it’s not because of Ryan though.

No, it’s because of this pain in my chest. I rub it as I take a deep breath.

My phone vibrates in my pocket, but I decide I don’t want to answer it. I want to be here with my family and forget the rest of it for a while. Pulling it out, I don’t look at it as I press the power button until it turns off.

Coming into the kitchen, Dad pulls me into a hug. “Baby girl, what are you doing here? Not that I’m complaining, but isn’t it a school night?”

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