Page 65 of Love's a Glitch
If I concentrated hard enough, I felt her arms around me, and tasted her on my lips.
The image of coming home from a long trip to find her on a couch in our living room, her laptop in front of her and her cat by her side, formed. I strode toward her, kissed her lips and breathed her in. The inner turmoil that’d left my mood perpetually stormy calmed, the sunshine splitting the gray thunderclouds and bestowing me with a warmth and happiness I’d only ever experienced around her.
I loved her.
I wasinlove with her.
My heart thumped, harder and faster. An expert at stifling my emotions, my denial about having them was so strong I’d convinced myself they didn’t exist. Now they inundated every inch of me, swirling and whirling, a tornado of emotion that threatened to destroy me and any chance at happiness in my future.
Without Ellie, no adventure would ever feel as grand, no picture would ever seem as beautiful. I’d flipped through the photos I’d taken night after night, sure I’d lost my touch.
I hadn’t lost my touch; I’d lost what fed and fueled my soul. Somewhere along the way, it’d changed from risk-taking and picture-taking to a person. Ellie was the object of my affection.
The scenario I’d conjured shifted, and after kissing those addictive lips of hers, I glanced down and placed my hand on her pregnant belly. Instead of anxiety, pure, unadulterated bliss tingled through me, along with an intense unconditional love that fueled the purpose behind my adventures, my photos,my everything.
A powerful mixture of unease and frenetic energy overloaded my system. I lifted my camera, snapping pictures and documenting everything as quickly as I could so I could finish up this job and barrel toward my next adventure—hopping on a plane and flying to California so I could tell Ellie that I was madly in love with her.
After how awfully I’d treated her, I was afraid nothing I could do would convince her to take me back.
But with her soul so entwined with mine, I didn’t have a choice. I had to try. Even if it meant burning bridges with the people who handed out photo assignments and resulted in being unable to work for my favorite publication ever again.
Ideas began whirring, and as the ones with the best chances began to take shape, I realized that I was going to have to do something far scarier than any trail I’d hiked, river I’d rafted, or mountain I’d climbed.
In order to pull this off, I was going to have to call Ellie’s friends.
34
Ellie
“I’ve updated my dating profile so that it’s crystal clear up front that I’m searching for someone who’s ready to get serious about finding the right person to share their life with. And look”—I moved aside my half-empty glass of Coke and the basket of fries we’d all been sharing during our first girls’ night out since the breakup, and swiveled the laptop screen toward them—“See that last line?Fuckboys need not apply.”
I waited for the laughter. Hell, I’d take a smile. Instead, concern filled my friends’ expressions.
“Honey, we’re proud of you for picking yourself up, taking control of your career, and totally kicking ass with your new business,” Penny said. “But when it comes to dating, I worry you’re forcing yourself to jump back in too soon.”
Well, now I wasn’t smiling, either.
“We might’ve been too hard on you when it comes to your dating efforts, and in particular, the night you introduced us to Luke,” Cat added, and then she immediately shook her head. “Strike that. We were, and I’ll take on the lion’s share of the blame since I refused to bend at all. You know how I get. You were so sure, and I had to add my two dollars, because that’s what I do….” She always claimed two cents was far too low a fee for her expert services. “But in our efforts to protect you, we accidentally hurt you and your relationship.”
A tight band formed around my chest, squeezing tighter and tighter. “No, you were right. I was settling for less than I wanted. Sure, seeing Dillon messed with my head, and his words hurt, but I needed to hear them before I went and wasted another year of my life with a guy who didn’t feel as deeply about me as I felt about him. In time, maybe Luke would’ve….” My voice cracked, betraying me in the moment I’d desperately needed it to be strong. I couldn’t force myself to say the rest. In the dark of the night, when the loneliness pressed in, I’d wondered if maybe he would’ve fallen in love with me if I hadn’t freaked out and pushed him away before he could reject me. Although I maintained he wasn’t playing fair, asking so much without giving an inch, either. “It doesn’t matter. He and I didn’t want the same things in the end.”
Penny and Cat glanced at each other. “The words you’re saying sound great in theory,” Penny said. “But we know you. No one gets over someone they love in three weeks, especially not someone with as big a heart as yours.”
I rapidly blinked, glad I’d chosen waterproof mascara and to stick with plain Coke, so my emotions were easier to force down. “But this is the new and improved Ellie. I took a huge leap by quitting my job, but it’s already paying off. I’m designing a website I love and have two more booked.”
Cat placed her hand over the one I had flattened on the table. “And again, we’re so proud. You’ve been needing to cut the deadweight and tell that boss off for a long time.”
Cut the deadweight.The words stirred the memory of Luke telling me the same thing about Dillon. It’d rung true, but when I tried to apply it to the man who’d taught me that I was braver than I realized—something that’d helped me take that leap and quit my job—I couldn’t make myself believe it.
“I…” Tears welled, and I swallowed past the lump in my throat. It didn’t go away, but at least the saltwater stayed in my eyeballs. My besties stood to circle the wagons, and I held up astop-right-therehand and shook my head. “I can’t. If you guys hug me, the dam on my emotions will break wide open.”
They froze, helplessness written across their features. After one week spent in misery, one working my ass off getting my solo career ready to launch, and another signing up clients, I’d hoped that I could fake my way into being over Luke. I’d been ready to push “go” on dating again to prove it, with the idea that I’d manage to have the same type of success I’d had with work. If I stayed on my current trajectory, and without a company taking such a huge bite out of my fee, I’d be on track to increase my income by ten percent this year.
Perhaps my optimism with relationships had been beaten beyond repair, but my faith in myself was higher than ever. “I loved Luke, and I worry that a part of me always will, but I won’t respect myself if I send him the same type of desperate text I sent to Dillon.”
Catalina and Penny pressed their lips into tight lines and nodded. “Okay,” Penny said. “For the record, that wasn’t what we were going to suggest, but we get it, and we’re here for whatever you need.”
“What she said.” Cat tilted her head toward Penny. “But maybe don’t rush into anything else until you’re ready? It’s okay to mourn a relationship and the loss of a guy you cared about, even if it didn’t work out in the end.”
