Page 31 of Cinderella Screwed Me Over
He scowled at me. “It’s not funny, Darby. Just find a date so she’s happy. I’ve never asked you for much, but—”
“You ask me for stuff constantly. You’ve still got half my CD collection.”
“Hon? Where are you?” Anne walked into the kitchen. She narrowed her eyes at Devin and me huddled together. “What’s going on?”
Devin looked at her, panic flashing across his face. “Um, Darby was saying she knows a guy she can bring.”
My jaw dropped. He totally threw me under the bus! The crazy-bride bus.
Anne’s face lit up. “Oh good. I know it seems strange that I care about stuff like that, but I’ve been so stressed and I just want everything to be perfect.”
Devin walked over and put his arms around her. “Of course you do. You deserve the best.”
They started kissing, so I left the room, wondering how I was going to scrounge up a date. Asking a guy to go to a wedding with you isn’t exactly like asking him to dinner or the movies. To a guy, it’s the equivalent of saying,Hey, I want to marry you someday, so let’s go see how another couple does it.
Not wanting to risk ruining Devin and Anne’s special day, my top priority became getting a date. Steph and Jimmy Delfino were hot and heavy yet again, so when I got really desperate, I asked him if he had any single friends.
That’s how I ended up taking Ralph to my brother’s wedding. When I showed up at Ralph’s door to pick him up, the first thing he said was, “You’re not ugly. I thought since you couldn’t find a date, you’d be ugly.”
I should’ve run, should’ve given up on the whole mandatory-date thing right then and there. You gotta wonder what Rapunzel thought after she was saved. Did she look at the prince and think,Wow, I feel like I owe him, but he’s really not who I want to be with? If he was anything like Ralph, that’s exactly what happened. I pulled him into my life, then immediately regretted it. I wished I would’ve let him walk on by.
All during the ceremony, I had to keep pushing Ralph’s hand off my leg. He’d set it on my thigh and inch it up a little at a time. We were in achapel, and he was trying to feel me up! After the ceremony, I wanted to tell him to go, but I was his ride. I owed him for doing me this big favor.
Things at the reception only got worse. When Ralph called me a prude and took off, I was relieved. He could go eat and drink and leave me alone. It was nice to not have to be constantly pushing him off me.
I laughed and caught up with my seven giants. Drew, Devin, Gil—the whole gang was there. We laughed and even did some dancing.
I’d just gotten back to my table when one of Anne’s bridesmaid’s came up to me and pulled me aside. “You need to do something about your boyfriend. He’s hitting on all of the bridesmaids, and he just told Anne that he liked married women, so to give him a call. She won’t say anything to Devin because the last thing she wants at her wedding is for her groom to get into a fight.”
I groaned, not wanting to deal with my date. This was all Anne’s fault anyway, and now she wanted me to take care of it?
“Hey, baby!” Ralph said as I walked up to him. His breath reeked of alcohol. He grabbed my hand and tugged me toward the dance floor. Once we got there, he pulled me to him—like suffocatingly close—put his hands on my butt, and whispered in my ear the dirtiest thing I’ve ever heard. Something that I still can’t bring myself to repeat, but it was wrong and suggestive and explicit.
Without thinking, I pulled back and slapped him across the face. I reached into my purse, took out several bills, and shoved them into his hand. “There. Take a cab home. I hope I never ever see you again.”
People stared, mouths open, eyes wide, as I pushed Ralph toward the elevator. Anne was upset I’d caused a scene, but Drew and the rest of the guys thought it was the coolest thing they’d ever seen. At least I didn’t just freeze, like I’d done so many times before.
Time Wasted:It was only one day, but the entire time was miserable, so it seemed longer. And obviously everyone remembers how charming I was at Devin and Anne’s wedding. The story is legendary.
Lessons Learned:
Brides are emotional time bombs. (I bet Anne wishes she would’ve just let me go solo.)
Never take anyone you don’t know to a wedding.
Jimmy Delfino actually looks like a gem next to his obnoxious friends.
Slapping someone across the face can feel very exhilarating.
*Sidenote (added in 2011) – Despite my ban on fairy tales, I did accidentally watchTangledone day with my nephew. Yes, the Disney version added girl power, which was pretty cool. And Flynn Rider was hard not to fall for and Imighthave been cheering for him in the end. But, like Aladdin, he was a liar (real name, Eugene Fitzherbert, and he happens to be a criminal). So while charming, he’s automatically disqualified. But I do consider slapping Ralph the equivalent of Rapunzel and her frying pan. Bonus points for girl power.
Chapter Ten
Since I’d spent a few hours with Stephanie over lunch—and had received a passive-aggressive e-mail from my boss—I’d stayed at the office late to do everything Patricia insisted was so urgent, even though I knew the client meeting wasn’t until next week. The last thing I felt like doing when I got home was cooking. I was tempted to call in a take-out order to Blue, thinking I’d just slip in and out. But the risk of seeing Jake was too great. I searched my fridge and cupboards and decided to make a ham-and-cheese sandwich. Unfortunately, I only had two heels of bread left, and I only ate them if I had absolutely no other options. Like now. The entire time I choked my sandwich down, I wished it was something more appealing.
I’d barely finished putting the dish away when there was a knock at my door.
Like I said, the beauty of needing to be buzzed into the building is never being surprised. Since I hadn’t buzzed anyone up, it had to be Steph or Drew. Or someone who’d gotten the wrong door. I walked over and stared out the peephole.Jake.
