Page 100 of Never Have I Ever
“And you did,” I tell her. “In a way. But being with Grayson was different. He showed me his life, his world, and I loved it.” I smile, remembering every lesson with him. I loved going on adventures with him. I loved spending time with him in general.
“And him,” Leila says.
“What?” I snap out of my thoughts and face her.
“You love him,” she says. “It’s all over your face.”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “How do you even know you’re in love?” I’m not a cynic like Grayson. I believe in love, and I love spending time with him. Everything in me needs to be with him, talk to him. Is this love, though?
“It consumes you,” Gabi says. I look at her and see her staring into space, her throat moving as she swallows. “Everything reminds you of them. Everything you do makes you want to share it with them, and you want to spend every minute with them to the point where you can’t imagine your life without them. Nothing in this world makes the pain of not having them around better. No matter who you date, kiss, or sleep with, it will never erase your feelings for that person, for what you wish you could have, but ultimately know will never happen.” She blinks and then turns to face us, a weak smile on her face. “That’s what love feels like.”
We all stare at her as she swallows.
“Jesus, Gabi,” Leila says. “Speaking from experience?”
She shrugs. “Something like that.”
I think of what Gabi just said. How it consumes you, and you want to spend every minute with that person. That’s what I feel for Grayson. The way he makes me feel is like there are a million butterflies in my stomach, but he also makes me feel like I have nothing to worry about whenever I’m with him.
I feel like I can be myself with him. Whenever I'm around him, I can be me, and he won't judge me. He doesn't want me to be anyone else other than myself. I love who Grayson is. He’s a good person, although he tells himself the opposite, he’s nothing like what people said and everything I hoped he would be. He’s the kind of man I want to be around all the time, and I can never get enough of.
“I’m in love with Grayson.” I breathe out.
“Hell yeah you are,” Madi says. “You blush every time you talk about him. Granted you’ve only talked about him once, but I can see it all over your face,” she says grinning.
“I’m in love with Grayson,” I repeat.
“Uh… yeah?” Madi says.
I squeeze my eyes closed. “I’m in love with Grayson.” It doesn’t matter how many times I say it or admit it to myself, I can’t make sense of it.
“Are you okay, Rosie?” Leila asks.
“Maybe she’s processing it,” Gabi says.
“No. I can’t be in love with him,” I say.
“Why not?” Gabi asks.
I exhale. “He said he wanted this to be casual. No feelings, no relationships.” And I promised him I could do it. I was so sure, but I never stood a chance.
“You never know,” Madi says. “He could change his mind.”
I shake my head. “You don’t understand. Grayson doesn’t believe in love. He'll never be with me. He won't ever feel what I feel.” I drop my eyes. “He’ll never love me back.”
“I know the feeling.” Gabi mumbles.
“What do I do?” I ask them.
“Maybe you should tell him,” Leila says.
“No.” Gabi intercepts. “She can’t do that. He’ll freak.”
I frown deeper. He will?
“You’re not helping,” Leila says to Gabi. “You never know. He could feel the same.”
My eyes drift closed. “He doesn’t.” No matter how much I want him to, he doesn't love me, and he won't ever love me. It doesn't matter that I'm in love with him. He doesn't believe in it and doesn't feel the same about me.
