Page 97 of Never Have I Ever
I nod, brushing her hair out of her face and rubbing the strands between my fingers. “I killed my uncle.”
“What?” she says, her eyes widening.
“At least, I thought I did. I thought I killed him. This whole time, I blamed myself.”
She tightens her hold on me. “What happened?”
I sigh, staring up at the ceiling. “I used to hang out with my uncle. A lot. He was fun and nothing like my parents. He wasn’t rich, and he definitely didn’t have maids or any of that shit. He lived by himself in an apartment over his garage, where he worked on cars.” I look down at her. “That’s where the obsession started, I guess,” I say, smiling down at her.
She squeezes my hand, urging me to continue. I tilt my head back. “He taught me how to drive and fix cars. He taught me everything I know. But he suffered from addiction.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “He smoked weed, he drank, he did coke, even heroin. He was an addict, and I was just a kid. I didn’t know what to do.”
I was only eight when I noticed he wasn’t himself. When he woke up at four in the afternoon, and his eyes were red. “I hated what the drugs were doing to him. He never hurt me, never gave me drugs. He would kill me if he knew I smoked, but he was a mess, Rosie.” My voice cracks, and I clear my throat. “He looked like shit. Barely slept, barely ate, and he was broke and in so much debt from the drugs.”
I blink away the wetness in my eyes and swallow. “One day, he told me to get a tool he needed for the car he was working on, and I went upstairs. I left him. Fuck, I wish I hadn’t. But I did. When I got back… He’d done drugs all his life. I didn’t know. Fuck, I didn’t know.”
I tried to ask Frank for help that same morning. I went into his office, wanting him to help his brother, but instead, I walked in on him and his assistant. He yelled at me to knock before coming in, and I left. He didn’t help me, and in the end, I couldn’t help mydad.
My voice is shaky, and if it weren’t for Rosie squeezing my hand, I’d think I was back there. I had a few episodes right after it happened where I would see myself back there again, witnessing it like it was the first time.
“I didn’t take long so he must have barely snorted the line, because when I came back he was out. Down on that hard concrete floor. His mouth was foaming, and he was spasming on the floor, and I did nothing. I watched. I was frozen in place, watching him die. I panicked. Only after he stopped, I grabbed my phone and called the police, but it was already too late. He was dead.”
She tucks her head into the crook of my neck, leaving a soft kiss there. “It wasn’t your fault,” she whispers against my chest.
Those words make me feel like a ton of bricks have been removed from my chest. I’ve never heard anyone say that before. Not even my mother.
“He was my father,” I whisper. “My mother ended up confessing that she cheated on my dad, or I guess, my uncle. Fuck.” I breathe out. “This is so confusing.”
She tightens her hold on me. “I blamed myself for years,” I tell her. “I lived with the burden that I didn’t help him. When he needed me, I didn’t help him.” I drop my head, looking down at her. “I watched my dad die.”
Her eyes drift closed, and she wraps her arms around me, holding onto me. Fuck, this feels good. Being here with her. I don’t ever want to leave. “It wasn’t your fault. You’re good, Grayson. You’re a good person.”
Every day I spend with her, I start to believe it a little more. Someone as good as Rosalie wouldn’t want to be around me if I was so horrible, right?
“Is this what this is?” she asks, running her soft fingertips over the ink on my arm. Her eyes lift to look up at me as she continues caressing my skin.
I swallow and give her a curt nod. She looks back down, leaning in to kiss his birth date tatted on my skin. “He would have been so proud of you,” she whispers against my skin. “Thank you for telling me.”
Something thick builds in my throat. “I…” I take a breath and swallow down whatever I was about to say and say something smart instead. “Are you thinking of moving to Paris?” I haven’t brought it up since she told me about it. But I can’t stop thinking about it. She might move away. I won’t see her ever again.
She lets out a breath, closing her eyes. “I don’t know. Your mother is a wonderful person. It would be a dream come true. But I hate the fact that she’s making me choose between two dreams.”
I nod. “Yeah, I’m not the biggest fan of hers right now either.” I should have talked to her about Rosie, but she doesn’t know that we know each other or that we’re… involved.
Rosie yawns again, struggling to keep her eyes open. “I’m sorry I woke you, angel. Go to sleep.” I kiss her forehead, tucking her head into me.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbles.
“For what?”
She lifts her head, and those blue eyes shine as she looks at me through hooded eyes. “You came looking for sex, and I can’t give you that. You wanted a distraction, to have fun, and instead, I’m half asleep.”
I sigh, closing my eyes when I feel her breath on my skin. “It’s okay, Rosie. Get some sleep,” I say, relaxing into her as she holds onto me.
The fucked-up thing is that I wasn't even thinking about sex. I was thinking about what we were doing right here. I wanted her arms wrapped around me as she tightens her hold on me until we fall asleep.
She feels right tucked next to me, her head fitted against my chest. She feels like she was made for me.
And I’m scared as fuck of what that means.
