Page 102 of Never Have I Ever
“Honey, what’s wrong?”
Is she trying to play it off like she didn’t do this? “Is it some sort of bribe or something?” I ask her. “I don’t need your money.”
“Honey, what money? What’s going on?” she asks in a panicked voice.
“The money you deposited into my account. 50 grand, mom, really?”
“Grayson, I didn’t put any money in your account. I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
I still, my brows furrowing. She wouldn’t lie about this. She’d have no reason to. “You didn’t send the money?”
“No,” she says. “Grayson, 50 thousand is a lot. What have you gotten yourself into?” she’s quiet for a second, and then her voice cracks. “Are you doing drugs?”
I close my eyes, groaning. “No, mom. I told you I’ve never done drugs. Do you not know me?” I have never once touched the stuff. When I saw what it did to my uncle and how it ended his life, I never wanted to touch them.
I remember Rosie asking me for drugs and how I wanted to tell her what had happened. I didn't want the same thing to happen to her. When I walked in on her paranoid and hyperventilating, it was like it was happening all over again, and I couldn't stop it. The thought of losing her almost crippled me. I couldn't get off the floor when I saw her curled up there, needing me and begging me to help her.
“Honestly, Grayson, I don't. You changed after what happened.”
“Can you blame me? I let him die, mom.” This was the first time we have talked since dinner last week. I think knowing he was my father makes me want to talk about him.
“I don’t blame you, honey. I blame myself.”
I freeze, my eyebrows scrunching. “What do you mean?”
She’s quiet for a second, but then I hear a sniffle. “I always wondered if what happened between us… He was a good man, Grayson, you know that. But the drugs, the drinking… I wonder if it was because of me.”
“Mom,” I say, shaking my head as I hear the words come out of her mouth. “No. You can’t blame yourself. Uncle Gary loved you, he never said a bad word about you. He was just… he needed help, mom. I should have helped him. I should have done more.”
“You did everything you could for him, honey,” she says, her voice cracking.
“Not enough.” I could have done more. I could have done… something.
She sighs. “I should have never kept this secret from you. I’m so sorry for doing that to you.”
I swallow, about to say the words I never thought I’d say. “Did you love him?” I don’t have to say which ‘him’ I mean. She knows.
“Yes,” she breathes out. “I loved Gary so much. But ultimately, I was married to your dad. I didn’t want to change that.”
He’s not my dad. My dad is dead.
“But I’m done with that,” she says.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m divorcing him, honey,” she tells me. “I always thought I was doing the right thing. Staying with him to give you a family. I wanted him to treat you like a son. But he never did. And now that you know the truth, there’s no reason to keep pretending anymore. I should have never subjected you to a lifetime with that man, knowing he would never love you like a father should love his child.”
My throat clams up, a tight feeling in my chest. “Mom?”
“Yes, Grayson?”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what, honey?”
I blow out a breath, wishing I had a cigarette right now. “For being a disappointment.”
She sighs. “Don’t believe those words Frank told you. You were never a disappointment to me. You’re my son. I love you, Grayson.”
