Page 65 of You're So Vine
And now, so does Ava. Who’s gone very quiet.
“If we were all condemned to be judged by our worst mistakes,” she says, “and never given a chance to redeem ourselves, we’d be fucked, wouldn’t we?”
“Depends on the mistake, don’t you think?”
“Okay, sure, if you’re Jeffrey Dahmer and you murdered and ate people, then you deserve the condemnation. But if you were him, you’re probably not interested in redeeming yourself, either. Right?”
I feel kind of like I’m walking into a trap.
“So … wanting to be better makes up for the mistake? That what you’re saying?”
Ava shakes her head. Not disagreeing, more figuring out how to express her thoughts.
“We can’t undo the mistake,” she says. “And we have to face any consequences and not avoid responsibility,butwe can also choose how that mistake defines us from then on.”
Definitely a trap. Or that scene inIndiana Jones and The Last Crusadewhere the Nazi has to pick which cup is the holy grail. He chose—poorly.
“I don’t know how to let it go,” I tell Ava. “I can’t see how I can present myself to the world as a good man, a dependable man, when I know what’s behind that. It’s not just what happened with Lee, it’s the war, and the fact that I’ve been running and hiding for ten fucking years…”
Shit. I can feel tears pricking behind my eyes. Fuck that. Crying sucks ass.
Ava’s cheek is resting against my shoulder. I can feel her soft breath on my bare skin. Long, even breaths, in and out. Ava is calm. She’s not upset. Can’t tell you how much I admire her for that.
“You really think you’re not dependable?” Ava asks.
“I’m worried I won’t be,” I say. “When it counts.”
To her credit, and my relief, Ava doesn’t wheel out a response like “Don’t be an idiot.” She might be thinking it, but she doesn’t say it.
What she says is, “Who have you let down since then? And ducking out of second dates doesn’t count. We’ve all done that.”
There goes that answer.
“No one, I guess,” I say, reluctantly. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t.”
“True. It doesn’t,” says Ava. “We’re all capable of acting on our worst impulses, and there’s always a risk that we might. But the future’s in the future, pardon the obvious. Why worry about what might happen? Why not focus on what we’re doing today?”
I hear Debra, Lee’s secret sister, scolding me.Stop waiting and step up. Now’s good.
Can I do it? Can I put the past behind me and live in the now? Stop running and face my fears head on?
“I mean, all things considered,” says Ava. “Today’s been pretty okay. I give it a solid B.”
“B!”I object. “In my humble opinion, that was some A-plus sexual hijinks back there.”
“Yeah, but you scored a big ol’ D-minus for running off to Lee’s. But you did get bonus points for your company at Doc Wilson’s … and for the donut frosting.”
It suddenly occurs to me that I’ve already done it. I’ve already faced my biggest fear. I told Ava everything and the world didn’t end. In fact, we’re making jokes. Bantering. How the hell did that happen?
“You’re the best thing that’s happened to me, you know that?” I say. “Thank you.”
“Well, don’t be so hasty. You haven’t heard my secret yet.”
Ava’s smiling but there’s a twist to her mouth, and a plea in her eyes.
She feels the same way I did. Afraid that revealing the secret might change everything … and for the worse.
And I realize that whatever she tells me, my feelings for her won’t change. Ava is the best thing that’s happened to me, and I don’t want to hide anymore.
