Page 34 of Beautiful Scars: Unshakeable

I am so grateful to these men, but I can't remember if I've actually told them or just thought the words 'thank you' a thousand times.

At night, sometimes, I can hear them talk when they think I'm sleeping. Their voices are low and careful as they discuss security rotations and leads on Garrett. I should tell them I'm awake, that I can hear the guilt and rage threading through their words. But selfishly, I let their voices wash over me and keep the memories at bay a little while longer.

Zane's steady breath, and the sound of Levi's soft snores have become my lullaby. When they settle in next to me, my breath syncs to theirs easily. I keep thinking it should be strange to have both of them here. But, it's almost like I can't remember them being anywhere else. I can't remember either of them separate from me. It's as if here, next to me, is where they've always belonged.

In the moments between dreams and daylight, hands hold mine. Lips graze my temple. Sweet words fill my ears.

I’ve stopped trying to guess whose touch is whose. I belong to both and neither. They're here. They found me. They didn't leave me. That’s what matters.

Chapter Seventeen

Sunny

Myeyesflutteropenas early morning light hits my face through the open curtains. I take a minute to simply breathe—to sink into the warmth of the blankets and the men lying next to me.

Z's face is peaceful in sleep. All of his hard lines and edges are softened. His long dark hair falls across his cheek, and my fingers itch to brush it back but I don’t. I don't want to disturb him. Behind me, Levi's arm is heavy across my waist, his soft snores and breath are warm against my neck.

Z shifts slightly, his hand tightening around mine. The gesture, unconscious as it is, tugs at my heart. These two men haven't left my side since they found me. It's been weeks now that they've held me through nightmares, cleaned my wounds, and made sure I eat and drink during the times when all I've wanted to do was to disappear.

I can’t imagine being without them.

The doctor’s been impressed with how quickly I'm healing. All but the worst of the bruises and other injuries are completely gone, but even those have faded. I've been told several times that I'm lucky my ribs were only bruised and not broken.

My fingers are taking the longest. Theyshouldbe completely healed too, but they're stiff, sore, and difficult to use. The doctor thinks it's because of all the damage from before—the fractures and surgeries. But it's nothing a little time, patience and exercise won't heal. Again, lucky.

Yep, that's me—the lucky, lucky girl.

I stopped taking the pain pills a week ago, but this is the first morning my head feels truly clear. It's the first time in a while I feel like I can string together more than one or two thoughts at a time.

There's a downside to clarity though. It makes reality harder to escape. Images and sounds flash through my mind at random times and they're impossible to push away—Garrett's hands on my skin, his voice in my ear telling me how worthless I am, how damaged, how no one else could ever want me. Sometimes the memories of what he did to me in that room, the things he made me do are so vivid that I can't believe I'm not still there.

I know I'm as safe as I can be. Levi and Z both work so hard to make sure I feel that and know I'm not alone. I love them even more for it, but it scares me.

They want to take care of me and have everything be okay. Havemebe okay. But I'm not sure that's ever going to happen.

I look at Z's face, studying the strong line of his jaw, the fullness of his lips, his thick lashes. He's so beautiful it hurts my heart. Behind me, Levi's body is solid and warm—like it was specially made to hold me, protect me. They're both so perfect, so strong, so good. And I'm...

Not.

The first tear slides down my cheek before I can blink it away. Garrett's words echo in my head—"No one’s going to want you now. I’m the only one. You'll always be mine." More tears follow the first as everything comes crashing back all at once. And, the phone call—God, they heard everything. Every last thing.

I try to keep still. To cry quietly. They've lost more than enough sleep and time taking care of me.

I don't understand how they can be here with me. To be this close. I'm dirty, used, tainted. There’s no fixing that. What happened isn't something that can be erased or scrubbed away. I know. I've tried.

Good men like them couldn't possibly want someone like me. Someone else’s broken toy.

Z's face blurs through my tears, my heart aching with how much I love him.

Love them both.

Who would ever choose to be with someone as damaged as me?

No matter what I feel for them, I need to remember that the main, and most likely only, reason I'm here is because of Levi's guilt over the past. He feels obligated to me. Z just happened to get dragged along for the ride.

Ultimately, it’s their sense of duty that ties them to me.

I bite my lip to remain silent while the tears stream down my face. I'm not worthy of their protection, their care. I'm nothing. I'm marked and ruined. The evidence of it is written all over my body. The truth lives inside the scars that cover me. And no matter what I do to hide them, to cover them, they'll always be there.

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