Page 63 of Carnival
I fucking loathe the fact that I cannot physically be by her side, and it pains me to think how she’ll be left in someone else’s care. But my thoughts on the matter are irrelevant. As long as she is alive and unharmed, I’ll stay behind bars for life if necessary.
“To protect Rose. Everything I did until this point was to keep her safe. And I’ll do it all over again.’’
PART II
‘’I love you as certain dark things are to be loved. In secret, between the shadow and the soul.’’
– Pablo Neruda
24
Rose
TWO YEARS LATER
Asoft groan escapes me. My hair falls over my face, and I brush it backward with my hands, getting it greasier than it already was. The bags under my eyes are massive, and I don’t remember the last time I’d gotten a full night’s sleep without interruption.
“Would you focus?’’ Danica, a Serbian exchange student whose accent I grew to adore over the time I’ve known her, smacks the back of my head with the thick economics textbook. “You will fail all of the exams if you continue to doze off.’’
My eyes fall on the rest of our study group.
Chase and Danica are the two I’m the closest with, as we share all of our classes. Chase and I met a while ago, and Danica came not too long after. We just clicked, our interests aligned, and we enjoyed the same things.
Asher and Ella are just our classmates, and we’ve always been friendly, though we rarely interacted off campus. Whenthey asked if they could join us to study together, there was no reason to say no; hence, we’ve been studying together for the past two months, three times a week.
“Why am I the only one being scolded? Chase is playing poker on his phone!” I whine, but Danica isn’t impressed. I think she just gave up on Chase as a whole, since we’ve known that he’s an S-class procrastinator.
“And Ella is breaking things off with her boyfriend for the millionth time this week,’’ Danica snorts. “So, what’s your point?”
“You’re just scolding me.’’
“That’s because you’re my favorite study buddy,’’ she explains, flopping her head against my shoulder. “And you’re the only one actually grasping the logistics of this all, so it’s the easiest to just ask you.’’
“Ah,’’ I chuckle. “So, I’m your free-of-charge tutor?”
“I pay you in coffee and cigarettes, so it’s not entirely free. Have you seen the nicotine prices go up? It’s insane; no wonder most people are smoking weed.’’
Asher clears his throat, fixing his glasses. He snatches Chase and Ella’s phones away, then tucks them in his bag, confiscating them for the night. Chase starts to protest, but Danica simply pulls his elbow, begging him not to start anything.
“Now,’’ Asher clears his throat. “It’s best if we actually start working. It’s getting late, and our exams start next week. We need to hurry up before Aria gets home and starts screaming at us again.’’
I wince.
I moved in with Aria not too long ago because all of the money I had saved up went to James’ attorneys. It’s an entire team, and although Aria and Hudson offered to pay for everything, I couldn’t do that. I dipped into my savings, moved out of my apartment, and started renting it out because that fucking bastard was supposed to be out soon. But no, he killed an inmate and just worsened the situation for himself.
After that night when Casper snuck me in, James refused to see me. The very next day, I tried not to think about the revelation he bestowed upon me and focused on finding an elite team of attorneys. No wonder I’m fucking broke; every penny goes to them.
Vivian’s connections ran too deep for the attorneys to get an actual, fair trial, but they managed to completely toss away any possibility of a death sentence, much to my relief. But it doesn’t help that he won’t see me.
He doesn’t want to speak to me, and I’ve written too many letters over the past two years and haven’t received a single letter back. If it weren’t for the attorneys and Casper, who’s been able to see James every once in a while, I wouldn’t even know if he was alive.
It’s eating me alive. These past two years were the hardest I’ve had to endure. It didn’t help that I couldn’t go to James, since he refused to see me, and asked more questions about what he told me.
I tried digging into that information myself, but aside from Willow’s death certificate, I couldn’t find a damn thing. I couldn’t even find Gabe, despite remembering James telling me that he worked in law enforcement. Nothing.
The possibility of James lying just to spite me one last time did cross my mind a few times, but somehow, I doubt it was that. He wouldn’t make up something like that — at least that’s what I’d like to think.
It’s killing me on the inside. It’s infuriating that he wants nothing to do with me now, yet he was the first one to pursue me. It’s infuriating that I haven’t stopped thinking about him since everything happened, and it’s downright insane that my feelings haven’t gone away. If anything, they’re stronger than they were.
