Page 102 of The Fake Husband Play
Those ten minutes I spent fighting for my life have never left me.
But it’s the way the ocean sucked me under that haunts me most. It just came out of nowhere. One second, I was bobbing on the waves, the sun on my face and not a care in the world. The next, I was in a dark, alien realm where there was no air or sound and no doubt in my mind that I was inveryserious trouble.
That’s what it’s like tonight.
One minute, I’m on the bathroom floor, suffering through the worst flu symptoms I’ve ever had, the nextI’m jerked under by a riptide. The pain twisting through my gut is instantly muted, but I’m still dimly aware of heat burning behind my eyes and my arms limp and clammy on the cool tile.
I’m also still miserably aware of the tiny voice calling my name from the door to my bedroom, then closer, closer, until Mimi’s there beside me, sobbing as she falls to the floor, her little hands gripping my shoulder.
“Mama! Mama, what’s wrong, Mama?” A sob rips from her throat. “Mama, please wake up! Wake up, I’m scared! Mama!”
The terror in my little girl’s voice rips me apart. To hear her so frightened and knowI’mthe reason for it is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me as a parent. For a moment, I think the guilt surging through me like a tsunami is going to be enough, that I’ll be able to open my eyes and comfort her, tell her I’m okay, just really sick.
But I’m too deep under the waves, being tossed back and forth by pain, the animal part of me lost in the suffering of my body as something deeper assures me this might be it.
This might be…the end.
Like, theend, the end.
God, it came so unexpectedly.
So fast.
I’m not ready.
Are we ever ready?
But we just found him, a panicked voice whispers in my bones.He just found us! We just found our family and Mimi still needs her mama and I need my baby girl and I need happy endings to be real.
I need there to be a point to it all.
I need something in this chaotic world to make sense.
I’ve fought my way here, through hardship and suffering and shame. Surely this can’t be it? This can’t be all there is? Just the fight and now…the fall.
And then like the answer to a prayer, Grammercy’s voice is close, deep and comforting and taking care of business. I can’t make out what he’s saying, but when Mimi speaks again, she sounds calmer—still scared, but relieved that a beloved grown-up is here to take charge.
She loves him, she truly does.
And he loves her, and suddenly I’m not scared.
I soften into the freedom that oblivion offers because…it’s all going to be okay.
Even if this is it for me, Mimi will be loved. Grammercy will hold her when she cries and comfort her as she grieves and eventually give her reasons to be happy again. He’ll keep my baby girl safe and laugh at her jokes and talk through her problems and always be her biggest fan. He’ll be her support system and her defender and her daddy and will never let her forget that her mama loved her so much.
Because of course he will.
This wasn’t an accident, the way we fell so hard and fast. It’s always felt like Fate. In my most romantic moments, I thought it was because he was destined to be mine. But maybe he was always meant to behers, my sweet little girl, who would have been all alone in the world if she’d lost her mom before we met this hard-loving man…
Take care of each other, I think as I sink deeper, leaving the agony in my body behind.I love you both so much.
And I do.
And maybe that’s all there is.
All there ever was.
After all, it’s not the happy ending that makes loving worth it; it’s the act itself. It’s the beautiful places it takes you and the lessons it teaches and the way it breaks your soul wide open, letting all the light in.
