Page 67 of The Fake Husband Play
Parker: HOW, dude? WHEN? WTAF, do you realize how whacked you sound? You’ve known this woman for a week. ONE WEEK. Why is she living with you? I am so fucking confused. This is mentally ill. I’m concerned for you.
Grammercy: It is not mentally ill! A lot can happen in a week! She was in a bind with her daughter’s health problems and stuff and needed help. So, I offered to let them live with me for a while. Elly’s so strong and hardworking and the best mom, but she just lost her job and benefits and can’t seem to catch a break, so…
Parker: So, you swooped in white knight style. Got it. That tracks. You know what also tracks? That I had NO IDEA you were doing any of this. Why? Because you’re a sneaky fucker, Grammercy. Yeah, you’re a white knight, but you’re also cagey. You always have been. I don’t know why I’m even a little bit shocked by your sneaky fuckery.
Grammercy: I’m not a sneaker fucker! I’m a private person, asshole. There’s a difference.
Parker: Is there? I mean, I’m one of your oldest friends, right?
Grammercy: Right.
Parker: And I literally never have ANY IDEA what’s going on in your personal life except that you don’t go out much and your mama is your BFF. So maybe you should text her about this, dude. I mean, I’m assuming SHE knows that you have a sexy roommate with a kid since you all went out after the game and shit?
Grammercy: Well, yeah. Sort of. But it’s complicated. And I don’t talk about sex with my mom, bro. I’m not THAT much of a mama’s boy.
Parker: Glad to hear it. Though Beanie’s a babe, man, even with the salt and pepper hair. I bet she was smoking hot when she was young.
Grammercy: Get my mother’s name out of your mouth, Parker. Be respectful.
Parker: I’m not being disrespectful! I’m just saying she looks like she knows her way around, you know. She’d probably give you great sex advice. I mean, I’d ask HER for sex advice way before I’d ask YOU, since you’re a hermit who hates fun and doesn’t leave your house on weeknights.
Grammercy: Say a single sex-flavored word to my mother, and I’ll burn your lucky socks to ash.
Parker: Whoa! Christ! Way to escalate, motherfucker. I was being theoretical. Calm the fuck down, dude. I don’t need sex advice from anyone. I am currently between fuck buddies and focused on eclipsing the other hometown boy on my team as New Orleans’ favorite hockey god. But if I do need to talk about my dick, I promise I won’t go to your mom. Happy now?
Grammercy: Why did I even text you?
Parker: Because I’m a good friend. More importantly, you know I’ll give it to you straight. And the straight talk is that it’s insane to move a woman you barely know and her kid into your house and start fucking her and having feelings, all in one week. It’s a recipe for disaster. Elly could be a psycho who planned all this to extort you or rob you or God only knows what. People are way more fucked up than I gave them credit for when I was younger. And I’m sensing a part of you knows that or you wouldn’t be texting me first thing in the morning, knee deep in dick regret.
Grammercy: Parker, no! That’s not it at all. There is NO regret. And Elly isn’t a psycho. She’s the sweetest, most honest, real, funny, incredible person I’ve ever met. Not to mention insanely beautiful. Like…I seriously can’t wrap my head around this woman. This morning, I looked over at her, still asleep next to me, looking like a fucking angel come to earth, and all I could think was…this is it. This is the woman I want to spend my life with. This is the woman I want to have my babies and sleep next to until the day one of us dies. And I hope it’s me that dies first, because even after only five nights of living together, the thought of losing her makes me feel like my guts are getting ripped out of my mouth.
Parker: Whoa.
Grammercy: Yeah. I know. And THAT’S why I think I’ve fucked it up. Elly’s been through a lot of crazy shit and is in an uncertain place financially. We should have taken things slower. I should have made sure she felt safe and knew she could count on me, even if the romantic stuff doesn’t work out.
Parker: Well, okay. Just tell her now, dude. Don’t be a weirdo.
Grammercy: I did. I mean, I sort of did, and I can tell her again. But after the way things were between us last night, she might not believe me.
Parker: Ah, I see. You were hot after it, huh?
Grammercy: Lava hot. We were up until after midnight.
Parker: Nice! About time you had a reason to stay up late. And honestly, man, if this girl is as great as you say she is, she already knows you’re a stand-up guy without an ugly bone in your body. Good people can spot good people, you know?
Grammercy: I hope so. I’d never want to make her feel unsafe, not when we just got her daughter’s medications sorted, and she’s starting a new PT next week, and her pain is getting better. I think it’s the swimming. I was doing some research, and swimming in a warm pool can be great for juvenile arthritis. So, I cranked the heat in the pool up as high as it can go. It feels like bathwater, but you should see this little bug zooming around. She’s the cutest thing. And so smart and funny and sweet. Just like her mama.
Parker: Oh my God, you really are in love with this woman. And her kid. In a week. This is…
Grammercy: Weird. I know. But it feels so real, Parker. It’s kind of fucking with my head. Maybe love at first sight IS a thing. Or maybe some people are just meant to be, and when you find your person, it’s real from the jump.
Parker: I don’t know, man. I don’t know a lot about love. I’m a little ashamed to admit it, but it’s always been easy for me to walk away. I’m probably not the best person to talk to about all this. Maybe youshould reach out to your big bro? He’s a family man, right?
Grammercy: I would, but Grant wouldn’t be cool about this. He takes relationships VERY seriously. Even more seriously than my mom.
Parker: Gotcha. Well, I might not be a lot of help, but I can buy you a coffee and let you bend my ear in person. Want to meet at the gluten-free place I like around 1? And in the meantime, I’ll call my friend Avery. She’s a couples therapist, so I’m sure she’ll have some words of wisdom .
Grammercy: That sounds great, man. Thanks. See you at 1. And just FYI, I’m keeping things between Elly and me quiet. I’m not ready to introduce her to the team or the wives and girlfriends right now. I want to ease her into all that. She’s got enough on her plate looking for a new job and applying for college, and mom stuff on top of it.
