Page 118 of Spark

Ruby tells me the story about her conversation with Cooper in Laila’s dressing room yesterday, and we both hoot with laughter till we’re crying.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was freaking out. Right before Cooper came to talk to me, Laila said something that made me realize I’m in love with you, and I—” Ruby clamps her mouth shut, her eyes wide. Obviously, she didn’t mean to say those three little words out loud.

I touch her cheek and smile from ear to ear, feeling like my heart is about to explode. “I’m in love with you, too. I love you, Ruby. I’ve always loved you.”

She sighs. “I love you, too, Kendrick.”

And I always will.

They’re the words on the tip of my tongue. But I don’t have the courage to say them. Not yet. Baby steps.

We embrace and kiss, and after a bit, Ruby breaks away and says, “I have a confession to make, too.” She bites the inside of her cheek. “The spark didn’t happen for me instantly, like it did for you. But only because you were a football player, and I thought those were totally gross.”

I laugh.

“But when you went off to school, I missed you so much, it felt like a physical ache was wracking my body. Like I was missing a limb. I dreamed about you every night, Kendrick. At first, we’d be playing music together or watching a movie in my dreams. But then, I was kissing you. And then . . .” She blushes. “I was losing my virginity to you.”

My breathing catches. “Oh my god, Ruby.”

“I realized I wanted that in real life. Not only in my dreams. I wanted you to be my first.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this back then?” I’m beside myself. I sit up in the bed, my legs bent and my mind racing. “I would have dropped everything to come to you, Ruby! Do you have any idea how many girls I turned down in high school, specifically because I wanted youto be my first? Because I was in love with you, and only you? Because being with you for my first time was my biggest fantasy? I was totally obsessed with the idea.”

Ruby runs both palms down her face. When she emerges, she’s red-faced and panting. “I didn’t tell you—not over the phone, anyway—because I decided to surprise you at school on your nineteenth birthday and ask you to take my virginity in person.”

My jaw drops. “Why didn’t you go through with it? I would have said yes.”

“I did go through with it. I took the train and made it all the way to your doorstep.”

“What?”

“But then, I saw something through your front window that made me turn around and hop the next train home.”

“You were there? What did you see?”

Ruby presses her lips together. “You and Florence. Having sex on a couch. I saw you without meaning to do it through a tiny gap in your blinds.”

I palm my forehead. “No.No.”

“I turned around and went home and never told another living soul about what happened and the stupid thing I did.”

“Oh my fucking God, Ruby. It wasn’t stupid.I wanted you. Only you. You’re the only one I’ve ever truly wanted, baby. Fuck me. If only I’d known.”

Ruby snorts. “I appreciate the sentiment, but it sure looked like you were enjoying your couch time with Florence quite a bit.”

“Because I couldn’t have you! I settled for her, the same way I’ve settled for every fucking woman since. All because I couldn’t have you.” I can’t help returning her wicked smile. “Okay, yes, okay. I was nineteen and horny and putting my dick inside a pretty girl, probably for one of the first times, given the timing, so, yes, I’m sure I thought it didn’t completely suck at the time.”

We both guffaw. And in this moment, I couldn’t love Ruby more.

“But I swear to God, if I’d known you wanted me back, I would have waited for you for the rest of my life. I would have hopped a train the second I found out.” I run a hand through my hair. “I would havekilledfor us to be each other’s first, Ruby.” I pause, my heart pounding in my ears. “Your first was Ryder, right?” We’ve never talked about it, but based on timing, that’s got to be the guy, the lucky bastard.

Ruby nods and winces. “I wished he was you the whole time.”

“I wished Florence was you, too. I’ve wished every woman I’ve ever been with was you.” I’m quaking with adrenaline. Also, with grief over what might have been. “That’s why I came in my pants at Reed’s party. Because I’d been dreaming about tasting your pussy for twelve long years, and my inner teenager couldn’t handle it finally coming true.” I exhale and gather my courage to say something on the tip of my tongue. “If you’d been my first, Ruby, you would have been my last. My only.”

Her eyes prick with tears. “Oh, Kendrick. Mine, too.”

---