Page 96 of Our Song

‘Photos of us appeared in the tabloids,’ Tadhg continues.‘And basically, I freaked.I know it sounds naïve – I mean, I was what, twenty-six?I wasn’t a naïve kid.I thought I knew what tabloids were like.But somehow I couldn’t believe they could just do that tome, to us.I couldn’t believe they’d spied on us when we were having what was meant to be a romantic weekend away.I don’t think I understood that I was, you know, famous enough for anyone to bother with me, so it was a huge, huge shock.For a few months I didn’t want to go out anywhere.I was paranoid there’d be paparazzi snapping me everywhere I went.I really liked Charlotte, and she liked me, but my reaction to all that bullshit basically destroyed our relationship.’

‘What a very cheering story,’ I say.

‘I know it doesn’t sound very positive,’ says Tadhg.‘But I did get through it.I found ways to adapt.And, no, it’s not fun, but I mean, my job is hardly going down the salt mines.I know plenty of people who have proper jobs that are much harder than anything I have to do.’

This is very sensible.For him.But he gets the good parts of fame to balance out the negative stuff.He gets his dream career and his gorgeous house.I still have to live in the real world.He must guess something of what I’m thinking because he says, ‘Sorry, I know that’s not hugely helpful for you right now.’

‘Well, I did ask howyoudealt with it.’

‘I suppose the most useful thing I did was … disassociation,’ says Tadhg.‘Consciously telling myself all those stories and photos had nothing to do with me.They were about some imaginary Tadhg.But the real me … I could tell myself that was still Tim Hennessy.A different person.’He pauses.‘It’s actually useful, going by two names.It can create a sort of distance between the person who plays big shows and gets photographed in the street and the person who, like, goes for Sunday dinner with his mam and dad in Clontarf.’

On one hand, disassociation is helpful advice.On the other …

‘Do you mind me calling you Tadhg?’I say.

‘What?Of course not!’

‘I mean …’ What do I mean?That I’m suddenly feelingreallysad that I might not know the real him?That I never did?Thathe was creating a distance between me and him the whole time?I think of Jess calling him Tim and how odd that made me feel.Like maybe she knew his real name, his real self, and I didn’t.

‘Me and Katie and Jo and Brian, us calling you Tadhg … did that make you feel like we didn’t know you?Like we just knew, I dunno, a persona, but you were always Tim to your real friends?’

‘God, no!No.’Tadhg is literally shaking his head.‘It wasn’t like that.You were my real friends too.You calling me Tadhg wasn’t about a persona.It wasn’t a stage name.It felt … it was affectionate.’He looks away for a moment and then turns back to me, with that old awkward smile.‘Shit, at least I hope it was!’

I laugh, at least partly in relief.‘Yeah, it was.’

‘You know,’ says Tadhg, ‘a few months after we … after the band split up, when I started playing solo gigs, I was initially going to bill myself as Tim Hennessy.But I stuck with Tadhg.’

‘Because Tim wasn’t rock-and-roll enough?’I say.

‘Ha!Well, partly,’ he says.‘But also … I wasn’t ready to stop being Tadhg just yet.’

‘Oh,’ I say.

‘Yeah,’ he says.‘And here we are.’

‘You’re stuck with it now,’ I say.‘Even though no one outside Ireland can spell it.Or say it.’

‘Yep,’ he says.

But he doesn’t sound like he minds.

This entire conversation makes me feel better.We talk abouthis early gigs and my brief periods in other bands after college.I don’t tell him none of them worked out because nothing was as good as playing with him.We talk about the new songs and how good it’ll be to try them with Sam when he’s back in the studio tomorrow.We imagine suitable punishments for Hugo.We finish the bottle of Fleurie and look at each other and Tadhg says, ‘Fuck it, will we get another?’and I say ‘Yes!’and we do.It’s fun.It’s good.And most importantly, it’s distracting.

‘This was such a great idea,’ I say.‘Thanks a million.’

‘Absolutely no need to thank me,’ says Tadhg.‘It is very much the least I could do.’

‘And I really don’t think anyone’s noticed you,’ I say.I cautiously stick my head out of the alcove as if I’m looking for a sniper.‘All clear!’

And then I see them in a booth on the other side of the room, getting their bill from a waiter.

He’s changed his hair.That’s the first, stupid thing that comes into my head when I see Dave putting his card in the machine to pay the bill.The last time I saw him his sandy hair was short, but not exactly styled.Now it looks carefully groomed.He’s been using product.He never used hair products.Maybe his fiancée got him some hair wax.Her back is to me, but I can see her glowing honey-blonde hair.Sleek, well-behaved hair.Very unlike mine.

Why are they even here on a random weekday?How the hell did he get a table?I was just thinking earlier that you haveto book this place a year in advance.And a year ago he was engaged to me.A year ago today was our seven-year anniversary.

Oh.Oh.

He must have booked it for our eight-year anniversary.And now he’s here with his new pregnant fiancée and I’m – well, I’m here with a hot rock star.In other circumstances that would look pretty good.But given what the papers have been writing about me, if anyone recognises me they’ll think it’s like a Make-A-Wish foundation outing.

---