Page 84 of Our Song

2019

I’m lying on my bed on Monday afternoon staring at the ceiling and making a list of the most surprising people who have contacted me since yesterday.A girl from my year in secondary school who I once hit with a folder because I saw her picking on a first year.My aunt who told me at my cousin’s wedding last year that I should use some filler on that line between my eyebrows.A former colleague who I know used to bitch about me behind my back.And Brian’s ex Caroline, of course.Who now has her own lifestyle brand.Of course she does.Not quite the little boutique I imagined during that lunch with Tadhg less than a fortnight ago, but almost.I have the urge to tell Tadhg about this, because he’d find it pretty funny, and then realise I can’t.Or I won’t.

I still haven’t got back to him.He stopped trying to ring me yesterday afternoon.I suppose he thought all the calls might be getting a bit much.Or maybe he’s just given up.I will talkto him eventually, of course I will, but at this moment all I can handle is lying in bed and staring at the ceiling.I haven’t even cried since yesterday on the bench in Fairview Park.I’ve spent most of the time just lying and staring.

I barely got any sleep last night.I spent way, way too long looking at comments and messages yesterday, and they’re all still scuttling around in my head like spiders.There were so many terrible, terrible comments.Even the compliments felt horrible and intrusive.So many peoplesayingthings about me.We’re not meant to be exposed to so many opinions about ourselves.I don’t think our brains can handle it.Mine certainly can’t.

Eventually Katie took my phone away from me.I don’t know where it is right now.She could have thrown it in the Tolka for all I care.Just thinking about it makes me feel sick.I don’t want anyone to contact me ever again.Maybe I’ll never leave this room.Maybe I’ll become one of those modern-day hermits.Maybe—

There’s a knock on my bedroom door and Katie says, ‘Lol?You okay?’

‘I’m fine,’ I lie.

‘Can I come in?’

I know she’d go away if I asked her to.But I’ve been in the house on my own all day while she and Jeanne were at work.Maybe I don’t really want to be a hermit after all.

‘Okay.’

She gently opens the door and walks in.‘So … Tadhg just rang me.’

I sit up on the bed.‘What?’

‘He’s genuinely worried about you.’

‘He shouldn’t be using you to get to me,’ I say.

‘He’s not,’ says Katie.‘He just wanted to know how you are.He’s not trying to pass on messages or anything.’

‘And what did you tell him?’

‘I said you were in shock,’ she says.‘Which I think you are.And that this has all been very hard for you.’

‘What did he say?’

‘He says he knows it must be hard and he’s sorry,’ says Katie.She looks down at her hands.‘I think you should talk to him, Lol.’

I sigh.I know she’s right.I can’t keep putting it off forever.

‘Okay,’ I say.‘But I’ll need my phone back.’

‘I’ll give it back,’ she says.‘But first, you need some food.’

I barely ate anything yesterday and nothing but a small bowl of cornflakes this morning, so as soon as I smell toast I’m suddenly famished.I devour it before Katie hands me my phone.When I turn it on I see multiple missed calls, some from unknown numbers, and a ridiculous number of texts.I delete all the unknown numbers without reading them and text my parents and Annie to let them know I’m still basically okay.Annie was one of the few people I talked to yesterday before Katie took my phone away.

‘I’m going to fly home and kill those pricks,’ she said when she rang me from London.

‘Which pricks?’I said.

‘The journalist.Aisling’s husband.Tadhg fucking Hennessy.All of them.’

I almost believed she’d do it too.It was weirdly comforting.

After I text Annie I make the stupid mistake of googling my name, which brings up a whole new rake of stories in other outlets from all over the English-speaking world and makes me realise that this story is not going to go away quickly.

Why we’re so obsessed with ‘Tadhg’s Cinderella’

What we know about Tadhg Hennessy’s protegée Laura McDermott

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