Page 68 of Our Song

He was cupping her face in his hands and kissing her like she was the love of his life.

Even though I thought I knew it was coming, even though I had just kissed Fiachra because I knew it was coming, I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach.I literally couldn’t breathe.

‘Laura?’said Fiachra.‘You okay?’

‘I’ll be right back,’ I said.‘Sorry.’

I blindly pushed my way through the crowd and through the door to the tiny backstage dressing-room area.Then I stumbled into the loo, slammed the door behind me, sat on the toilet seat and let out a keening noise that I had never made before.An animal sound.I put my fists to my eyes as if that could stop the hot tears from coming.I thought I had braced myself for seeing him with Jess but I clearly hadn’t done enough bracing because this felt worse than I could have imagined, this was terrible, this wasunbearable…

‘Lol?’

It was Katie.

‘I saw them.I saw all of it.Fuck, Lol, I’m sorry.I’msosorry.’

I dragged myself to my feet, wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, opened the toilet door and stepped into the dressing room.

‘Are they still—?’

‘Don’t go out there,’ said Katie quickly.

So they were.

‘I need to go home,’ I said.‘I can’t … I can’t be here.’

‘Okay,’ said Katie.‘What’ll I say if he asks where you are?’

‘He won’t ask,’ I said.I looked in the dressing-room mirror.My eyeliner was all smudged, but it had been a little smudged since I got off stage – it had been so hot and sweaty under the lights.My eyes and nose were red.My mouth looked swollen but that was partly from crying and partly from kissing Fiachra.‘I can’t go out looking like this.He can’t know I’ve been crying about him.’

‘Just give it a minute,’ said Katie.‘You can go soon.’

‘I was with Fiachra,’ I said.

‘I saw that too,’ said Katie.‘Don’t worry about it.I know why you did it.Go on, splash a bit of cold water on your face and then powder your nose to take the shine off.’

I did all these things, feeling like a robot.Tadhg was with Jess.Tadhg was with Jess.I saw them together.I saw him kiss her like he loved her.Maybe he did love her.

He’s all yours!

‘There you go,’ said Katie.‘You look grand now.’She handed me my coat and I put it on.

And then the door of the dressing room opened and Tadhg and Jess came in, laughing.

For a moment Tadhg and I stared at each other.I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.I was terrified that he might be able to tell what I was thinking.I couldn’t go home straight away now.It would look like I was running away.Which was exactly what I wanted to do.

‘Hi!’I said.My voice was way too high.I sounded unhinged.

Jess was glowing.She was sohappy.She was as happy as I’dhave been if Tadhg had kissed me like that.‘Well!’she said.‘It looks likeyoumet a fan tonight!’

It took me a moment to realise what she meant.And some supernatural strength I didn’t know I possessed must have overtaken me because I somehow managed to laugh and say, ‘Oh yeah, that was Fiachra.We, um, have a bit of history.’

‘Ooh, really?Good for you!’said Jess.She was radiant.She was clearly just waiting to get Tadhg back to her posh flat so she could have sex with him.Oh God, that was actually going to happen tonight.He was going to have sex with her.The thought was so extravagantly, outrageously painful I almost laughed.This was ridiculous.How was this happening?How was I just standing there smiling at them like a normal human being?I wanted to run back into that manky toilet cubicle and howl like a dog.I looked at Jess.She didn’t look at all uncomfortable to see me because, I realised, it had clearly never crossed her mind that I could be any sort of romantic competition.

I couldn’t meet Tadhg’s eye.

‘We’re actually going to head,’ he said.‘I just came in here to get my guitar.Um, are you going to Ruairí’s party?’

I said, ‘I’ll check with Fiachra.’

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