Page 59 of Our Song

‘No, Dave!’I yell.‘No, it’s not the right fucking thing to do!Next time you drop a little bombshell like this on someone, send them a text or write a fucking email so they don’t have to pretend to be okay while they’re talking to you!’

Then I hang up.And then I do slide down the wall and sit on the ground, and I stay there for a long time.

Chapter Twenty-One

2019

‘Are you all right?’

Katie’s brow is furrowed with concern as she looks at me across the kitchen table the next morning.I lean back in my chair and sigh.

‘I’m fine,’ I say.

‘Are you sure?’she says.‘Because when we got in last night you were sitting on the floor of the hall with your head on your knees.That doesn’t say fine to me.’

‘Iamfine,’ I say.‘I mean, I will be.’

‘I know you will be,’ says Katie.‘But what about right now?’She bites her lip.‘I don’t like leaving you alone …’

‘You don’t have to worry about me!’I protest.‘I’m not … I’m not going to do anything stupid.’

‘I wasn’t thinking that!’says Katie.‘I just … I don’t like the thought of you being upset on your own today.’

‘I won’t be on my own,’ I say.‘I’ll be at Tadhg’s.’

‘But are you sure that’s a good idea?’says Katie.‘Going over there, I mean.’

‘Of course it is!’I say.‘What am I going to say?“Sorry, Tadhg, I can’t come and work with you today, my ex-fiancé has impregnated another woman?”’

‘Well,’ says Katie, getting up from her chair, ‘when you put it like that …’

‘Look, you know I don’t want to be with Dave anymore,’ I say.‘You know I’ve accepted … all of it.But …’ My voice starts to wobble a bit.‘But when he told me last night, it was just … I just …’

I can’t say any more.But I don’t have to.Because now Katie is beside me, and now her arms are around me, squeezing me tight.‘I know,’ she says softly.‘I know, Lol.I know.’

When I woke up this morning, way too early, there was a moment of blissful peace before the memory of Dave’s phone call last night hit me.I didn’t want any aspect of his news to take me by surprise at some random moment in the future, so I lay in bed and forced myself to think about it all in great detail, as if really torturing myself now would somehow inoculate me against it causing pain later.Dave, the man I used to love, the man who used to love me, is going to have a baby.Dave will be a father.He’ll have a new family.He’s getting exactly what he wanted while I’m still mooning over a boy I fancied twenty years ago.He’ll be thanking his luckystars he dumped me when he did.I think about all this again now after Katie goes to work.I remember him pointing out that couple with the tiny baby and saying ‘That’ll be us in a year or two’.

It’ll be him and Liz now.

Then I pull myself to my feet and go to the bathroom.If I do cry in the shower, well, no one hears it.

It’s a mild, sunny day that actually feels like spring, and as I walk to Tadhg’s house I try to be happy that winter is over, instead of wondering when exactly Dave’s baby will arrive.How long did he wait to impregnate his amazingly fertile new fiancée?But he and his baby are none of my business, I tell myself.He’s nothing to do with me now.

Sam meets me at the door, and when we go through to the studio, Tadhg is sitting in front of the giant computer screen at the sound desk, doing something mysterious with various tracks.He turns around when we enter.

‘Morning!’he says.His face changes.‘Everything okay?’

‘With what?’I say.‘With me?Of course!Why do you ask?’

‘Sorry,’ he says.‘You just look … I thought something was wrong.’

‘I’m fine!’I say.‘I just slept badly last night.’

‘Ah,’ he says.‘That must be it.’

But he doesn’t look totally convinced.

I do my best all morning not to appear too subdued.It helpsthat Tadhg asks if we’re up for trying out a song he’s been working on recently, so I don’t have to present something of my own.

---