Page 56 of Our Song

‘You know what I mean!You fancy him!And don’t talk shite about it being a chemical response or whatever.I mean you’re into him!You have feelings for him.’

Ridiculously, I can feel myself starting to go red.‘I don’t!I mean, not like before.’

‘Are you sure?’says Katie.‘Stop messing around with those mugs and look at me.’

I sigh.‘Look, if I do – and I’m not saying I do – it really isn’t like it was before.I’m not like I was before.And neither is he.We’re sensible adults now.’

‘I know,’ says Katie.‘I just … Remember I asked you if you were pining for him again?’

‘Yes, and I told you I wasn’t,’ I say.

‘And I believed you.I hoped this whole thing would be really good for you.I hoped it would remind you how brilliant you are at music.But now … now I’m thinking working with him might be a mistake.’

‘It’s not a mistake!’I protest.‘I’m really enjoying it.’

‘I know you are,’ says Katie.‘Which is great.But please tell me it’s because of the music and not just because of him.’

‘It’s not just because of him,’ I say.Which is true.

‘Good,’ says Katie.‘Because you know you don’t actually need Tadhg to play music, right?There are other options.Options that don’t end up with you heartbroken again.’

‘That isn’t going to happen, Kay,’ I say.‘Back in college I had … delusions.I mean, they turned out to be delusions.I thought he had feelings for me too.But he didn’t.I accepted that a long, long time ago.So it’s all fine.’

‘Is it?’says Katie.

‘I told you before,’ I say.‘It’s just for a fortnight and then I probably won’t see him for ages.Seriously, you don’t need to worry.I’ve got through what happened with me and Dave all right, haven’t I?And that was a lot more serious than my … my unrequited college crush.’

Katie’s worried look softens.‘Yeah, you have.Sorry, Lol.Maybe you and Dave is why I’m being a bit …’

‘Ridiculous?’

‘Overprotective,’ says Katie.‘But you’re right.You’re a grown woman, and I trust you to look after yourself.’

‘Thanks, Mam,’ I say.‘Say that again,’ says Katie, ‘and I won’t let you have any of the posh cheese.’

Later that evening, I’m in my room messing around on my acoustic when a text arrives from Sarah, with a voicenote attached.

Sarah: Sorry, I know it’s not her birthday for weeks but she winkled it out of me!

The voicenote is from Ellie, and it’s three minutes forty-eight seconds long, the majority of which is just Ellie screaming my name and then Tadhg’s.‘Thankyouthankyouthankyou I am dead I am DEAD this is the greatest thing to ever happen.If you see him again can you ask him what Taylor Swift smells like?Okay, thank you love you bye.Oh, you don’t have to get me a birthday present now.Unless you want to.’

I’m still laughing about it when I ring Sarah.‘So am I the best honorary auntie now?’

‘You beat all the other aunties forever,’ says Sarah.‘I’m so happy you’ve sorted things out with Tadhg.’She laughs.‘Remember what you were like when you arrived in New York that summer after your big bust-up?You’d cried so much onthe plane I wanted to take you to the ER and get you put on a drip!I would have too, if we’d thought our travel insurance would cover it.’

‘Ha, yeah,’ I say, a bit too cheerfully.‘Don’t worry, there’s no chance of that now!’

But later, in bed, I realise it doesn’t matter how much I tell my friends I’ve moved on, and it doesn’t matter how often I remind myself that Tadhg and I are just friends.The illogical old hope that we could be more than friends keeps creeping in, no matter how much I remind myself of what happened the last time I had that hope, no matter how hard I try to crush it now.

But I really have to crush it if I want to keep making music with him, just for a while.

I just have to get through this fortnight.

That’s what I tell myself when I set off for the studio the following morning.It’s what I tell myself when Tadhg answers the door, wearing a dark-olive and navy checked shirt that brings out the green in his eyes.It’s what I tell myself when he looks all happy to see me, and it’s what I tell myself when, as he’s making the first cups of tea of the day, he says, ‘So … I have a proposition for you.’

I try to look normal.‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yeah,’ he says.‘I’m playing this big gig in August.It’s the only proper show I’m doing this year.You know the Moveable Feast festival?’

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